Sunday, September 29, 2013

Sunday Favorites: Whitey-Tighties

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. This story originally appeared on June 6, 2011.

Tonight after work Hanna and my mom and I were staying up late and enjoying an episode of America's Next Food Network Star (or whatever it's called) and I had to go pee.  So I went pee. I'm peeing, and suddenly I hear my dad, who has been asleep for hours and hours whisper, "who's in the bathroom?" And I'm like, 'oh jeez' because as you all know, he had his PROSTATE removed last year because of cancer and all we can talk about since is his pee problems, so I had to hurry and finish up peeing as a courtesy to my post-cancer dad. I even decided to run out and wash my hands in the kitchen. As I ran out, I was horrified to find him in nothing but his black whitey-tighties.  

**So my whole life I grew up seeing my dad in his underwear. The truth is, they were extremely threadbare. Mostly us kids just didn't look, because, gross! Apparently my mom had a conversation with him pretty recently about how if he was going to insist on walking around in his underwear they were going to have to be black from here on out. (And as a sidebar to me, she said the trick to get your husband to wearing a different kind of underwear is, 'you gotta throw away the old ones'.)**

Anyway, I sort of thought that would be a funny Facebook status, you know, seeing my dad in his 'black' whitey-tighies...and so I started up the computer...and decided a blog post would be better, and right as I was typing, my dad stumbled out to the kitchen in a robe. My. mom's. pink. robe.  The. one. so. short. it. barely. covered. his. black. whitey. tighties.

Me and Hanna and my mom started laughing so hard, so so so so so hard that we were laughing until we cried. My stomach started to hurt as I ran for the camera. But he's so used to my blog as a source of teasing him now that he instinctively hid behind the refrigerator door so as to thwart my effort at a photo.  

"Please dad! Please! I'll give you all my tips from tonight if I can just take a photo of you in that tiny pink robe!"

"KADY! KADY! KADY...KADY kady kady KADY!...STOP IT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Why are all the lights on? DON'T YOU DARE TAKE A PICTURE! All the lights are on upstairs!"

So then I tried to get a video because he's so hilarious, but my camera was stolen so I'm using my mom's camera and I don't know HOW to take a video, or furthermore, how to get the flash to work so I didn't get a dad gum photo of my dad in a tiny pink robe.  

After he begged me not to blog about this by telling his side of the story--

--and to be fair, here is his side of the story:
"You wake up in the middle of the night to go pee after a HORRENDOUS surgery, and somebody's in the bathroom. Somebody's ALWAYS in the bathroom. Anyway you get made fun of...but your throat is dry and you need some water, so you try to cover up, but it's dark and who knows where your real robe is, so you just grab what you think is your robe and...Kady it's a very small house. It's not meant for a tourist 'traction."

So later on he came out in a Smith & Wesson T-shirt with a gun on the front that says "BANG" and plaid pajama pants, slippers, and a button down Carhartt hunting shirt. Noticing me noticing him, he said "You have to dress to the nines just to get water nowadays."

And then my mom said, "Listen, Rock Hudson would grab frilly Doris Day robes and wear them." But she must have forgotten Rock Hudson was gay.

I did not take this photo. Kelly took this photo in an exactly similar incident when she lived with my parents after my mom's lung cancer surgery. What a mean, mean person. She probably didn't even offer him all of her tips.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Shash-age Links

Once again folks, I scoured the entire Internet for you. You're welcome.

My friends just revamped their leather goods website and you really ought to go there and buy a wallet. Or a purse. Or some earrings. Or a headband.

If you're not following this website, start now. Beautiful stories and photos of the people of New York City.

Well, probably not the greatest act of heroism ever told, but this cute little Minnesotan Dairy Queen employee did right by a visually impaired man. (p.s. I tried to type heroicism there, but my computer wouldn't let me. I am a Dummy.)

Why we like sad music.
Step aside, Ryan Gosling and make room for Joseph Gordon Levitt.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

I Wanna Get Next to You. Not You!

I always have a song in my head.

Frequently I start singing it out loud. Ask any one of my old roommates or anybody I've ever worked with. Constantly singing, me.

Well. Today I was training a new married Processor on something and while standing over his shoulder I inadvertently started singing the chorus to that old Motown song that had been rolling around in my head: 

"I wanna get next to you..."
I looked at him horrified and said: "not you!"

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

A Glimpse Into the Mind of a Lonely Old Lady

Some people might watch this video clip and go "awwwwwww that's a cute dad and his little girl." I watched it and I started bawling because in my mind this is exactly what my imagined husband (I'm really into redheads) and my little girl (I'm really into owl pajamas and tiny pink ukuleles) would get up to after some fireworks happened in the neighborhood. It's something to do with 36-year-old ovaries and hormones and it's really strong and there's nothing you nor I nor my therapist (if I had one) can do about it. I don't even really truly want a little girl but if I did she would definitely be wearing little skinny jeans and a girly white tank top with a tiny pink flower decal at the neckline and her name would definitely be June but we would call her Junie. She's convinced I can really remove my own thumb and put it back on (but it's just a slight of hand trick). Also when she loses her first tooth we would secretly put it in her dad's coffee hidden inside a spoonful of sugar and then everybody would laugh and laugh. Her sister would surely be named Louise, Lou for short and I would definitely be pregnant with their brother Hal. The kind of skinny pregnant where my nose never gets too wide and people say "you're ALL baby" and they really mean it. Childbirth is "amazing" but I would never say that out loud because I would't want any of the other pregnant ladies to feel bad and I for sure would never lose my patience and certainly not my temper like I do with my nieces and nephews. I digress. Watch the video. You'll die.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Hal-isms, Vol. 43

"Tell me your life. I've lived it, Sweetheart."

"Kady. We're clones. You stand up to pee and we're the same person."

"Go make a bunch of money and spend it on jewelry and loud music I guess."

"I don't know why I'm not letting you go -- I guess it's because this'll be the last time we talk. I'm more nervous than usual." (I was getting on a plane for New Orleans.)

"You complicate my life."

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Sunday Favorites: Eddie

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. This story originally appeared on June 12, 2012.

When we were kids, there was a deaf man named Eddie that lived in our apartment complex. I don't know how old he was, but at the time he seemed to me like he was 50. Anyway, he was our friend. My sister Kim was learning sign language and she practiced on him all the time. I learned a few signs too. Mostly I would slowly slowly sign:
...and then I would spell out the word I wanted to know with slow slow finger spelling. And then Eddie would show me the sign. Poor Eddie. This would go on for hours. The only thing I ever really retained was the word "turtle", and "constipation".

One time Eddie came on a car trip with my family. Which meant there had to have been nine people in our car, and I'm sure I was getting antsy because I was squirming all over the place. My mom got fed up and screamed at me, "Why can't you be more like Eddie! Look at him! He's sitting quietly!"I'm sure Eddie was wondering why everybody in the car looked at him suddenly. And I was left to wonder why, in fact, I couldn't be more like 50-year-old Eddie?

This story will probably horrify my parents and I don't think they've heard it before:

Eddie had his couch set up diagonally in the corner of his living room. One day, Pete and Kelly let themselves into Eddie's apartment and hid behind the couch. He was deaf, you know, so he couldn't hear them come in. They even were yelling things like, "Hey Eddie! We're over here!" from behind the couch and then giggling because this was proabably the easiest hiding job they ever did. They waited...and waited.

...and then, when poor Eddie came into the living room to sit on his couch to watch TV, Pete and Kelly JUMPED OUT! and scared him!

Oh how he laughed. At least they said he was laughing.

Poor Eddie.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Hanna the Potter

My niece Hanna is quite a little potter. She basically spent her 11th and 12th grades of high school in the Pottery Studio, making infinite bowls and plates and coffee cups and tea pots and I gotta tell ya, her work has gotten pretty good. Sure, she's had her mishaps:

I still love this one! It holds all my earrings.

I use her stuff all the time! That one is where I keep my quarters for laundry and that one is where I put candy if I ever have any and that one I plan to have a bowl of soup in if I ever make any soup.

Aren't they great!?!

And this one just looks cool but sometimes a piece of mail will go in there until I can read it later:

OK. So. All that stuff is great, yes. But pictured below is my absolute favoritest piece of pottery that Hanna has ever given to me. And she didn't even intend for it to be used the way I use it, but I told her and she thought it was pretty AWESOME, as do I. As do I.

Looks perfectly innocent, doesn't it? Sitting there, so pretty on top of the toilet? (For photographic purposes I removed the roll of toilet paper, the candle, the matches, my flatiron, a hair tie, a pair of earrings and a bottle of hairspray.)

YES. So innocent.


HA!  You didn't guess, did you? It's nefarious purpose?  TAMPON HOLDER. Put in your orders now ladies and I'll see if I can't getcha one. Only $79.95 plus tax and shipping and handling and a finder's fee for me.

She did not pot the turtle.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Summer-isms, Vol. 59

"I've been sitting all day. I don't wanna stand."

"I don't know...I'm pretty stable for a mental patient."

"I cannot WAIT to put a bikini on."

"I watched two seasons of Grey's Anatomy....which was hard for me, I'll be honest."  

"I'm sorry. I've never gone deeper than a level four."

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The Worst Kind of Turd is an Honest One, Vol. 6

We all went down to the hotel pool one late night in New Orleans and though nobody was in it, there were a few people hanging out around it, including two little kids who got very excited when we got in.

I knew they were very excited because they started jumping up and down and shouting "YAY!" I assumed this meant that maybe they were too scared to go in with nobody else in there (totally one of my fears). And then they told me they weren't allowed to go in. They motioned over to their lazy uncle on his iPhone. Anyway, I felt bad so I tried to make the kids feel better.

I told them they didn't want to be swimming right now because late at night, the pool has sharks. You see, the hotel staff opens the trap doors for the sharks to let them in.

The kids bought the story a little too well (the little girl asked, "does the hotel staff hate us?") and then I felt bad again and so I told them that the sharks are only interested in eating "Mean, Old Ladies". 

The little girl said, "You don't LOOK mean."


I took that as a HUGE compliment until Beata pointed out that she didn't say I didn't look old.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Don't Be "That Guy"

When driving your car just after riding your bike, please remember to TAKE YOUR HELMET OFF.

Also, don't take pictures of yourself while driving. Bad. (I was pulled over.)

Monday, September 16, 2013

Shashage Links

No need to go internet surfing, folks. I did it for you. And here's what I found:

Dang those Japanese for keeping their whiskeys away from us Americans!

I figure if I pre-order one of these cuddle mattresses, the men will just come flocking, right?

A cute little vid about what it's like to have a brother with Autism (TEARJERKER! Reminds me of my nephews Miles and Murph):

I have been waiting a really, really long time for this.

I saw a display at the Uptown Art Fair from this guy, who takes the most adorable photos of little mini people skiing down cupcakes and mowing broccoli.

This guy is spending an entire year pretending it is 1986 to get his kids' off the iPhones. (thanks, Shash)

Speaking of getting off the iPhones:

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Sunday Favorites: I'm Real Comfortable Around Celebrities

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. This story originally appeared on April 10, 2012. 

On April 29, 1999, I was having drinks with friends at a restaurant in Minneapolis when out of the corner of my eye I noticed Leelee Sobieski walk by the restaurant. Why do I remember what date it was? I'm weird like that. Also it was the day the Blair Witch project opened and there were tons of people in Uptown.  

Fun fact: Leelee and I share a birthday.  June 10, 1983.

Anyway, we don't get a lot of celebs in these parts and I was so curious about why the heck she was in town (filming something? here for the premier of Eyes Wide Shut?) that I bolted out of my chair, ran out of the restaurant and down the sidewalk after her. When I got close, I stopped running and started walking. You know, to be normal. Then I purposely bumped my shoulder into her shoulder, looked at her confused like a best friend who hasn't seen another best friend in years, and asked:

"Leelee?  What are you doing in town?"

Friday, September 13, 2013

Gram and Gramps

I took Murphy and Miyo on the seven hour car ride up to my parents' place over Labor Day weekend. They have really grown up a lot in the three years I was away from Minneapolis...Miyo is so bossy! And she calls my mom "Gram" and my dad "Gramps" which makes me die I love it so much. Nobody taught her that. It was very hilarious how she would say to me: "we need to talk." and then motion for me to join her on my parents' front porch. Then she'd say, "have a seat." and then motion for me to sit down. But then she didn't say anything. When it was snuggle in bed time, we'd be chatting about my mom's garden and if we got away from the conversation she'd say, "yah...let's get back to the vegetables."

My dad got a new boat! (New to him, actually it's quite old.) But it has a steering wheel! No more steering from the back of the boat. Look how fancy and rich we are(n't) now:

Miyo loves to go "pickin' groceries" in Gram's garden. (I had to force her to actually eat that carrot, but through her tears I'm pretty sure she told me she liked it.)

Is six to young to start using a knife for cutting onions? Well, I didn't want to do it! They make my eyes water! Hilariously, she was using the blade upside down at one point and had her finger pressed down on the sharp part to press down on the onion. Good thing the knife was so dull, and don't tell her mother. 

Later we baked some cookies and somehow this happened. I blame Miyo.

And of course, there were plenty of cooking shows, where Gram and Miyo almost mastered the art of French Toast making:

I have zero pictures of Murphy. What a terrible, terrible aunt. 

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Headed to New Orleans

...and it just isn't the same without ol' Uncle Lionel...

Watch him school me in the art of "dancing together". I think he prefers to "dance alone"?

Maybe we'll have better luck this time trying to find his gravesite?

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

What a HAG

You know how sometimes you hold a door open for somebody and they don't thank you and you're like, WHATEVER?


The other day I went to the post office and as I was walking in, a very nice lady was walking out. I could tell she was nice because she made eye contact with me and she smiled. I held her gaze and smiled back. She held the door and waited for me to enter before she exited. I sort of gave her an extended smile/nod and went in.

After she walked out I could hear her say"YOU'RE WELCOME!" in the rudest, meanest tone ever. Did I do something wrong?

Was I supposed to smile, nod, make long long eye contact AND say 'thank you'?

How am I supposed to know all the crazy people's rules?

Failing at Life

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

It's Gonna Take a Whole Lotta Whiskey...

Many years ago (when Laura came home and Mary was blind) my friends and I went to a NOFX concert at First Avenue in Minneapolis. We parked in the Target Center parking ramp (as lazy fans are wont to do). Well: the Target Center parking ramp stairwells were pretty gross. In those days, everybody knew that.

I forgot for a second and used the handrail to assist in pulling myself up the stairs. My friend Mitch saw me and gave me a nice preachy lecture about how you should never, ever touch anything in those stairwells because all the local bums come in there and pee all over the place. In a fit of I-don't-know-what because I'm a total germphobe, I looked ol' Mitch right in the eyeballs and, without losing eye contact, licked a good three foot section of handrail. 

Later, I poured about a half bottle of whiskey onto my tongue (I suppose a few drops also spilled down my throat), hoping it would wash away the herpes, HIV, chlamydia and pregnancy I was sure to contract.

Why am I thinking of this, just now, 15 years later?


Better not watch Wrecking Ball, her latest video. It'll make you hate yourself.
 Hey, Miley: quit licking stuff, Dummy. There's not enough whiskey in the world to wash out my eyeballs.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Clothes Line Bandit

My landlord charges $1.25 to wash and $1.25 to dry. Highway robbery! Also we have no clothesline here. But I like my clothes better if they've hung outside to dry. Duh. So what's a girl to do?

I snuck into and clandestinely hung my clothes in a random neighbor's yard. They never noticed, I don't think (two loads, underwear and all!), and so I dubbed myself the #clotheslinebandit and now I've taken to going to friends' houses whom I know to have clotheslines and I like to leave them a little surprise for their Saturday:

Do you live in Minneapolis? Do you have a clothesline? Do you dare to leave your backyard unattended? You could be NEXT.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Sunday Favorites: The Steam Room

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. This story originally appeared on July 2, 2012. 

When my sisters and I were traveling in Austria, we stayed at a fabulous hotel in the mountains which boasted a spa that included several kinds of Turkish steam baths. As prudish Americans we were given pause at the "NO BATHING SUITS" sign as we entered the spa. We got seriously confused. What the?! Why? OH!! But you can wear a towel!...OK...we can just wear our towels. Phew! We started in the eucalyptus room and moved to the lemon room, never opening up our modesty cloaks towels. After that we kind of separated and started trying new rooms on our own. We were pretty much the only people in there, and when I ended up alone in a sauna, I couldn't help the urge to try something new *wink*. I stationed myself on an upper bench and opened up my towel. How dangerous! How luxurious! How exciting! The decadence was short lived, since not three seconds later I heard the door open. I quickly shut my towel. In walked a completely naked European man who lay down (face up) across the room from me on a lower bench.

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't get up and leave, because I had just arrived, but I was seriously uncomfortable. I was terrified that I was going to 'look'. I lay there, trying to decide what would be a rational amount of time to decide to leave a sauna after you enter. I gave it five minutes.

When I got up, I sat up too quickly and BANGED! my head on the ceiling. OW! How embarrassing! I made eye contact with the man. Then-I-looked-at-his-thing-and-then-I-panicked-and-so-I-looked-back-at-his-face-but-got-nervous-and-then-looked-back-at-his-thing-and-then-back-at-his-face.

And then I got the heck out of there.

Yah right, dudes. No bathing suits allowed.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Shashage Links

I scoured the entire Internet again and here's my favorite stuff from this week:

A favorite scene from my favorite show:

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Measuring Up

So it's not like I'm obsessed about it, but I turned 36 this year. I was born in 1977. My niece Miyo has taken to calling me "Grandma" and "old lady" and when I protested, my mom pointed out that technically, I could be a Grandma. 

I always thought that at 36 I'd be all grown up. Except I frequently eat dinner over the kitchen sink and fall asleep in my clothes. My bedroom looks like the bedroom of a 16-year-old boy and I once found a chicken wing in my bed.

Today, I was feeling very curious about which celebrities are the same age as I am and how I stack up when making unfair comparisons to their lives. Here's what a simple Google search revealed:

Shakira, Singer. Born February 2, 1977. Married to that hot soccer player above and just had her first baby. Not a natural blonde, but it looks better on her than me. Fabulous poet-lyricist-singer. Amazing at belly dancing. Her hips do not lie.

Rob McElhenney, writer It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Rob was born April 14, 1977. He is married (to Kaitlin Olson who plays Dee on Sunny) and has a baby. He makes his living as a writer. Looks good, even when fat. Gets to work with Danny DeVito.

James Van Der Beek, aka Dawson, Dawson's Creek. James was born on March 8, 1977. He is married with two kids. He makes his living as an actor. He enjoys watching football and baseball.

Maggie Gyllenhaal, actor. She was born on November 16, 1977. Married to Peter Sarsgaard, two kids. Gorgeous. Has gotten paid to kiss The Dude. Nurses her children in public. (Google it.)

Orlando Bloom, actor. Born January 13, 1977. Likes to make millions by signing on to epic trilogies i.e. Pirates of the Caribbean and Lord of the Rings. Married to Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr. They have a baby. 

Robin Thicke, that guy Miley Cyrus twerked up on. Born March 10, 1977. Married. Baby. 

  • Sarah Michelle Gellar, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. April 14, 1977. Married to Freddie Prinze Jr. Two kids.
  • Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty, The Help. March 24, 1977. 2013 Oscar nominee. In a long term relationship. Named "Sexiest Actress Alive" by Glamour magazine.
  • Liv Tyler, actor. July 1, 1977. Very famous dad. Has a son called Milo.
  • Zachary Quinto, actor. June 2, 1977. Single. Hot. Gay. The new Spock.  
  • Colin Hanks, actor. Son of Tom Hanks. November 24, 1977. Married. Two kids.
  • Kerry Washington, actor. January 31, 1977. Married to a San Francisco 49'er.
The list goes on and on. Need I even mention Saved by the Bell's Dustin Diamond, aka Screech?

So far, the only ones I seem to be winning over are Brittany Murphy who is dead, and Edward Furlong who I thought was dead, but was arrested as recently as January 2013 for beating his wife. (However he does have a baby.) 

Meanwhile I get angry when my greasy hair can't make it one more day without a shampooing and I get a real sense of accomplishment when I finish a full season of some TV show all in one day.

SO: Which celebrities are from your birth year, and how do you measure up?

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Sunday Favorites: Kim Jong Hal?

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. This story originally appeared on April 4, 2013 and I know it might be a little too soon for an "Archive" post, but it's just too good. If I do say so myself. 

Remember when I noticed a disturbing resemblance between my dad and a certain female British pop star?

Well, today I noticed a disturbing resemblance between my dad and a certain unpopular North Korean world figure.

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