Who Wears the Pants?

This is embarrassing for me to admit, but I tried on Zach's pants and they fit me. In fact they were kind of tight:

Worse, he fits in mine too and they look better on him: 

Hal-isms, Vol. 67

"I don't know about gettin' drunk but I'm gettin' diarrhea"

"Well, you marry a gadabout you get a gadabout"

"I know what the community needs"

"This guy left me a gallon of coyote urine, and we were gonna split it..."

"What's so funny about that? He gets two quarts and I get two quarts?"

Prude to Be an American

I work out at a fancy schmancy Pilates Studio multiple times a week sometimes. I change in the bathroom from my work clothes into my expensive Lulu Lemon/Athleta outfits Target sale rack stained with bacon grease outfits.

I am also late every single time, so I'm always in a rush and running to the bathroom, changing while I pee (I have this down to a science. I can do my bra and top during the pee and also change my pants and socks). 

Anyway, I have in the past forgotten myself and started unbuttoning my top in the lockers area, which wouldn't normally be a problem except there are occasional men who work out there and also the front desk person is a man and although they aren't always in the lockers area, they could totally go there, because it's not a WOMEN'S ONLY kind of thing. 

The other day I came sailing out of the women's bathroom to find a tall skinny model of a woman (the only people who work out at my Pilates studio by the way) standing in the lockers area with her button-down shirt open and her bra totally visible for the world to see.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! DID YOU FORGET YOURSELF AND START CHANGING OUT HERE INSTEAD OF IN THE BATHROOM??!?!

"No", she said in her perfect European accent. "This is just a shirt", she said, flapping her real shirt open and shut to reveal her bra, which I was accidentally staring at because she was calling it a 'shirt' but it was totally a bra.

"OH HAHAHA I JUST MEAN THAT, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE DUDES COULD COME BACK HERE, I'VE DONE THAT BEFORE AND I THOUGHT HAHAHA THAT YOU...ACCIDENTALLY...HAHAHA..."

"No," she said again in her perfect European accent. "I did it on purpose." and didn't shut her shirt.

The image I found when I google imaged "tall skinny model in locker room"

Golf!

In December during our trip to Hawaii, Zach and I came to the harsh realization that we are basically golfers. 

I mean, we golf. We just do.

In Kona, we definitely drove up to the Country Club on several different occasions to find we had just missed closing time, but then when we finally got in we couldn't go because he didn't have a collared shirt so then we bought one at the grocery store and then we definitely bought a couple of buckets of balls and hit them. I got to hit a lot of mine twice! Because they didn't go very far!,

On the way home we drove through Palm Springs where we just couldn't resist the urge to hit the links for an 18-hole Par 3 experience. We are just naturals let me tell you. The scores don't lie -- and mine was the highest and best score you've ever seen!

It makes sense really, because golfing combines everything we love: driving a golf cart and drinking beer. AT THE SAME TIME.

"Collared shirt". Fancy!!

Left-handedly using a right-handed putter.

Zach has it in his blood, I think. His uncle hikes around and hits a golf ball wherever he goes. I think he's going to walk across the US hitting a golf ball -- and has already gone the whole way around the Salton Sea.

Zach-isms, Vol. Fart

"I'm not farting ON you, I'm farting WITH you."

"I like to toot around you."

"It's like a weird bladder infection, but it's brought on by poop."

"You know how I always say I like my farts? I didn't like that one."

Hal-isms, Vol. 66

"Kady he fell off the stage. Do you know I've fallen off every log, hay bale, and tractor I've ever seen? And do I whine? Kady, have you ever heard me whine?"

"I've accepted my fate to be an example to all humans."

"Well why don't you go back to sleep? It's 9am...it appears you have a laid back lifestyle. Meanwhile your mom yelled at me for leaving the broom and dustpan out and the door open."

"Give me that one present. Don't blog this."

"If I didn't love ya I wouldn't give a damn."

The Half Moon Treatment

Zach and I just got back from Oahu. While there, we walked about a mile to get from our hotel to our favorite beach spot. The quickest way was to walk along the beach but at some points the water line was right up against a hotel and so part of the way we had to walk along a pretty narrow sidewalk (pictured here). 

We walked with tubes and so it was a little awkward to traverse, and in some places it jams up with people cuz a giant turtle appears in the water below - anyway it's mostly single file. One day I was ahead of Zach in the single file walking, and we are in love, so I lowered my pants enough to give him the half moon treatment. 

When I turned around to laugh about it with him, he wasn't there. He's so sweet he let a tiny little demure Japanese woman and her husband pass him.

2016 - The Year in Review

Remember 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, and 2014?

Somehow there IS NO "2015 - Year in Review" post. 2015 was a blur. I got botox for the first time, bought my house, renovated it, met a boyfriend, fell in love, GOT ENGAGED, and my mom got breast cancer and moved in with me for 6 months to get surgery then radiation and chemotherapy treatments...then Hanna moved in...like I said. Blur.

2016 was WEIRD. For one thing, I didn't leave the country. (For the first time since 1998). Do you count Montreal, Canada? I guess I did leave the country. It didn't feel like it counted because it was just for the day and I didn't get a stamp and I drove there by myself when I was visiting Zach in Vermont. 

Oh yeah, Zach. I forgot to die alone and instead I got married! 

Photo by nylonsaddle

During 2016, Zach and I went to 27 states together (and Puerto Rico).

I became a stepmom.


We joined a kickball team:

We weren't number 1.

My mom got lung cancer (again) and this time it had moved to her leg (surgery to remove) and her brain (radiation to zap). I was all ready for her and my dad and Rowdy to move in with me and Zach and the kids into this 900 square foot house, but as it turned out she was only in the city for a month. While they were here they celebrated their 50th Wedding Anniversary.

2016. 

A great year. 

A tough year. 

The last year of me NOT being 40. 

Hawaii

Hawaii

Zach-isms, Vol. 2

"You have a very large arm. That arm should win a competition for something."

"I really feel that I'm 100% mentally there I'm just not audibly there and I mean that in a really sincere way."

"You have like a bowling ball head."

"Don't you dare face that on postagram."

"Let's try to do something that'll make our farts come out."

The Worst Kind of Turd is an Honest One, Volume: Step Mom

One of the first bike rides we went on as a step-family happened to be a 68-mile round trip from our house to Wisconsin and back. Which of course took hours. And made for a nice opportunity for conversation. 

The 14-year-old and I were riding side-by-side at one point, and he said to me: "Out of all the girls in my life I've ever met you're the only one who doesn't complain about her weight."

<Insert AWWWWWWWWWWWW here>

My heart got so warm. My head got so big it almost exploded. Every feminist bone in my body shone brightly --- finally! Somebody noticed and appreciated my "realness". I thanked him for noticing and responded by saying that it's important to be healthy and riding bikes is one way that I try to stay healthy, and blah blah blah....but then my mind retraced his comment..."complain about her weight" 

I asked, "wait. are you saying that it's surprising because I'm also like the one girl in your life who's not skinny?"

"Well. Yah," he said, "you're actually kind of fat."

Gonna be a long ride.

Squinch

I normally go to my Pilates class after work but today I wasn’t able to --- and so I hit the noon class. I was ten minutes late, of course (as I am ten minutes late for literally everything else in my life). I ran into the class, jumped on my machine and tried not to interrupt much.

The first move is called Beach Ball Twist. This is where you are on your knees, straight back, and take the handle of the Fit Former in front of you with “I Dream of Genie” arms and you twist at the waist. From 10:00 to 2:00, back and forth. It works best if you squinch your butt cheeks as hard as you can. So they say. So I squinched. And squinched. And twisted and turned from 2:00 to 10:00 to 2:00 and back.

The next move is Shot Put. This is where you take the same handle in your right hand and make an “L” – or half a football goal post. Then you TWIST and squinch your butt some more and then give yourself a “High 5” in the mirror. As I returned back to the half football goal post “L”  I happened to look over my shoulder at the person behind me.

Male Co-Worker.

Thanks, Dad

My dad gets very offended, or maybe not offended, but definitely offput if you ask him for something extra he has. 

For example, my mom makes him a giant bowl of popcorn almost every night. So, naturally, when I'm visiting, I want some of that popcorn too. I have tried so many times in vain to go up to the giant bowl in my dad's lap with a tiny cereal bowl to get a small portion of his bounty. He looks at me like I'm asking him for a kidney, and my mom ends up making more popcorn so I can have some. He will not share. 

And then, when it's time to go home, I ask if I can take a couple pounds of venison. (Their deep freeze has enough venison to feed a family of four every night for a year.) You can't believe his shocked face. 

Anyway, when my sisters and I took him and my mom out for their 50th Anniversary dinner, we encouraged him to order the most expensive steak on the menu, and he did. It was pretty big, and I was drinking, so I asked him if I could have a tiny bite, to taste the yumminess. Just a bite. He shook his head yes. I couldn't believe it!

Then he slowly and deliberately, lovingly almost, cut me a piece and sent it down the table, passing it between four people to get it down to me. 

Below is the bite he let me have. He was staring at me receiving it with the most sarcastic sh*t-eating grin you have ever seen. 

JERK

Sunday Favorites: Elevators

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to re-post an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. Enjoy! This story originally appeared on May 1, 2014:

In my office tower, I have deduced that there must be some kind of old people eye doctor on the third floor. This makes for lots of awkward elevator conversations. (Remember when I worked in the same building as that hair restoration company?)

So how do I know about this old people eye clinic on third floor? My main clue is the droves of old people getting on the elevator and taking their sweet sweet time to locate and then push the number 3. The second clue is that when they go back down the elevator they always have an eye patch on. Anyway, remember I'm always late, so I can't tolerate this inability to locate the number 3 in a series of numbers from L-14. This drives me to near insanity. I've taken to just pushing it for them in most cases and then they look at me like, "are you some kind of a magician?" "how'd you know?" and then I'm like, "I'M IN MENSA." 

Yesterday a little old lady was on the elevator already when I ran for the door and barely made it on. She was staring at the numbers and so I pushed 10 for me and 3 for her. She looked at me SO CONFUSED and she said, "I couldn't see the numbers" (um...how the HECK did she DRIVE to my building then???) and so I said,

"Maybe you should tell that to the eye doctor."

Happy 50th Anniversary, Mom and Dad!

Stop ruining my moment, KASEY!

My parents celebrate their 50th Anniversary on October 15, 2016.

50 YEARS!!

It's hard to believe that only 50 years ago my mom was a 17-year-old blushing bride, holding her bouquet of flowers in front of her middle to hide my sister Kim, living inside. Back in the day when a man was expected to make good on a mistake. And more mistakes they would make, yessirreeee, 6 more to be exact, one of them being me!

I asked them both what they love about each other, after all this time. Their faces looked not unlike Hillary's and Donald's when asked to say "one positive" thing about the other.

They thought about it for a while and here were their responses:

MOM:

He takes care of everything that needs taking care of

He keeps the wolves away

He jiggles the toilet handle

He gets the spiders out of the bathrub

He changes the light bulbs

He went to work every day

DAD:

(...and he had to think about this for a long, long time)

After a snowstorm and I shoveled us all out, she'd make me a hot drink

I LOVE YOU GUYS --- CONGRATULATIONS!

Sunday Favorites: Dad

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to re-post an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. Enjoy! This story originally appeared on October 25, 2013:

Sometimes my dad calls me and counsels criticizes me, or whatever. It's not on purpose. Mostly he just disagrees with every decision I've ever made. (Can you blame him?) He just likes to continue to mold me, even now that I'm all growed up. I don't mind it at all, I tell you what, I'm just happy he calls. 

Anyway, the other day I told him, "It's OK dad. I already know you love me because you called. You don't have to say anything nice."

Oh how we laughed.

"You have to come now, or be one of them dummies. One of them city people. Look at your cement blocks. Look at your empty cans of beer. The money. And go clubbing. And don't worry about the Lady's Slippers. Why worry about it? Right?"

Please Respect My Privacy During this Difficult Time

The Wooden Part

I had a friend who was begging her Little Turd of a daughter to rub her feet. And then the Little Turd said, "OK. But only the top part. Not the wooden part."



This led to a years-long joke about the wooden part of a person's feet - you know the calloused part that the lady at the pedicure place has to SCRAPE and SCRAPE and you get really embarrassed?

Fast forward to my new life of living in my one room home with my lovely husband his two teenage boys. It's not ideal. If anybody farts the whole house hears it. And smells it too. The place is an open floor plan loft-style home. See what I mean?

(I designed it while I was planning to die alone.)

ANYWAY, Zach has been growing quite a nasty wooden part of his own on his heel all summer from working. He's OBSESSED with it and makes me touch it all the time. 

Well: the other night at bedtime Zach and I were getting ready to fall asleep, whispering and snuggling and otherwise falling in love, the usual. He grabbed my hand and made me touch his nasty wooden heel. I laughed and said, too loud, (in baby talk I might add): 

"ARE YOU MAKING ME TOUCH THE WOODEN PART AGAIN?"

His face dropped.

I gasped.

We died, while hoping beyond hope the kids were already sleeping.

Sunday Favorites: Twitter Fail

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to re-post an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. Enjoy! This story originally appeared on March 26, 2014:



Here's another in a new series I like to call "Tweets I wrote that should have been retweeted a million times but weren't because I don't think I'm doing Twitter right and not because they weren't wildly hilarious".

Follow my tweets here. 

Bathroom Break

My entire career I've been known as the girl who says "I have to go pee", while doing the peepee dance and never going pee. I wait for hours and hours and hours because my office is SO far away from the bathroom and I'm very busy and important. 

I'm kind of afraid that something bad is going to happen to my bladder when I'm older from all that holding it. 

So can somebody tell me then, why: when my home office is literally IN MY BATHROOM (thanks to this 900 square foot 1-person loft I built for myself and not a husband and two teenage stepsons because remember I was going to die alone), I say "I have to go pee", while doing the peepee dance and never go pee. I wait for hours and hours and hours.

WHY??????? 

New Orleans

Summer made a video of a trip that we took with Beata to New Orleans a few years back -- twerking was all the rage at the time. It'll make sense in a minute...

guh i love that city........

What Makes Us Girls from Summer Grimes on Vimeo.