Friday, July 31, 2009

Spam Filter (Rated PG-13)

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Your stick will be big not only when you close your eyes.

By enhancing your friend downthere you enhance your popularity.

Nothing makes a man manlier than a few extra inches in pants.

She is bound to lose her mind over your great size.

Having a bigger thing in pants is every man's dream.

The longer your instrument is the more power it has.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Obsessive Compulsive Much?

The ongoing refrigerator saga continutes...

So, the repairman is coming tomorrow...

Last night I got home at about 8, and sort of had my appetite back, and so I rifled through the fridge to see what could be eaten. "I know! I'll have some toast!" I grabbed a loaf of bread, and it was so molded there was green and yellow more than there was bread. I've never seen yellow mold on bread before, that was new.

Then - I grabbed another loaf of bread. completely moldy. Then, I saw a pack of cheese. Cheese is good at room temperature, right? OOH, there's pickles. I wrapped a pickle in Havarti cheese and ate it. EW. Didn't taste very good. Then I ate a second piece of Havarti cheese. I stopped at the third piece because it was totally moldy.

I have cereal and some soy milk in the cupboard, but if I open the soy milk, I have to refridgerate it afterwards. So no go on that.

I found some peanuts in the cupboard. And I had some dark chocolate Hershey's kisses. So dinner last night was two pieces of bad cheese, a bad pickle, a handful of peanuts, and 8 dark chocolate Hershey's kisses.

I think I have a problem. I don't like throwing food away. And then of course this morning, I have been to bathroom like 8 times. Go figure.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Spam Email of the Day

Well this just makes me want to cry:

"Conquer the Impossible. Look great today!"

I Got Food Poisoning...

Thanks, Fridge!

I just spent 33 hours sleeping/puking/crapping my guts out. And, yes, now I know not to eat bad food.


The good news is I missed a day of work.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

A Public Apology to Trader Joe's wasn't their fault. My fridge is broken. Today it was 60 degrees inside there.

All the signs were there, and I didn't pick up on them. Anna came over on Friday night and we opened a bottle of white wine that was chilling in my fridge for about a month and it wasn't even cold. Then I went to Trader Joe's and bought that stuff and the arugula was complete liquid the next day. Then Jacqui and the kids came and I gave Jacqui a glass of milk and she couldn't drink it because it was 'warm'. I thought she was being a prima donna, but then the next day it was completely solid. Not curdled. Solid. Like hard milk in the shape of a milk carton. And today I came home from a weekend away and it was 60 degrees in the fridge.


Saturday, July 25, 2009

Trader Joe's

So, as I learned from my mother at a very young age, there is no reason to go to the grocery store but once every couple months. As I posted earlier, I had NO GROCERIES the other day, so I decided it was time to go. I spent $276. My favorite thing to say while I am wheeling a heaping cart-full at the check out line is, "I LIVE ALONE". So this time before I had a chance to say my signature hilarious joke, an employee kind of looked at my cart sideways, and as she walked away I screamed, "WHAT? YOU THINK THIS IS TOO MUCH FOOD FOR SOMEBODY WHO LIVES ALONE??? ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT???"
Lots of people looked like, 'huh'? And then the cashier (who was sorta cute) asked if I wanted to put my name in the drawing because I brought my own tote bags, and I said, "Is this your way of getting my phone number?" and he goes, "I'm married."

And then I said with fist slicing the air, "CRAP".

p.s. This trip to Trader Joe's was kind of disappointing. My bag of arugula, my Trader Joe's brand Organic milk and an $8.00 package of sliced roasted turkey all went bad after like one use. You shoulda seen the chunks of wasn't even liquid. And the expire date is 7/26. Like, the future. And those of you who know me know that I don't go by those silly dates, I just drink the milk until it stinks too bad to drink it.
I hate throwing away food! It is like so against my religion.

The reason I will never do another Triathlon

Attention anybody that swims in Lake Nokomis:
Watch out for your toes. Cory caught this monster Tiger Muskie the other morning. The reason there is a strange man in the photos is because Cory wasn't expecting to catch a Muskie and it was his first one.  He had heard that they are very fragile fish and he didn't want to kill it. So he brought it up to the beach, and then handed me the reel and then ran down the beach to get this guy, who had been fly fishing for Muskie. The guy jumped in the water and got it unhooked and then held it up. I took a million pictures. Then the guy goes, "want your picture with the fish"? and Cory was like, "nah", and then the guy was like "GET IN HERE!" so Cory whipped off his shoes and socks and jumped in the water, but it was very awkward and slimy and hard to hand the fish over and it was heavy and so then they just took a group photo.

It was all pretty exciting. Luckily, the fish didn't tear back into the water, leaving me to waterski behind it as I had expected when Cory ran to get the other guy.

I didn't catch nuttin'.

The man in this photo is me.

I think we have the art of sushi making pretty much down pat up in International Falls...

I think I was most impressed by Summer's Eel Sauce. YUM. Summer got all of the fish and supplies that we used at Coastal Seafood in Minneapolis. We had raw yellowfin, ahi tuna, salmon and cooked eel.
As Summer was cutting up the raw fish I had to laugh because I kept worrying about cross contamination on the cutting board, but then I realized we were about to eat the fish raw, and so who cares?
Oh, also I made this fabulous avocado sauce with ginger, garlic avocado, and a touch of wasabe (you can see it in the bottom photo, sort of globbed on the plate), and then I slathered the last piece of eel sushi with it and shoved it in my mouth. Only it wasn't the yummy avocado sauce it was the wasabe that was in the little bowl next to the avocado sauce and then I almost died. That part was in the back of my mouth and I just kept trying to swallow, and I was swearing, but you couldn't tell because my mouth was full of sushi and eventually I had to spit it out and I was SO MAD because it was my favorite kind and there were no pieces of that kind left.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Somewhere beneath this pile...

...lies my dignity, my customer service skills, my patience, my evenings, my summer...


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Spam Email of the Day

Universal Detection Technology Bio-Detection Kits Gain Momentum in Commercial Sector

Monday, July 20, 2009

Spam Email of the Day

"Your life sucks, use our 54% OFF on all our products."


"Drive and talk without using your hands."


"Your tiny dimensions make you feel an incomplete man?"

Well...I wouldn't say tiny.

Sha Sha Resort

Why is there a bird cage at Sha Sha? With a swing inside?

I don't really get it, but it was fun.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Visitors from Texas

Can't wait!

Monday night I'm picking up this motley crew (minus Willie) and I'm so excited to see them!

I have to say that because they read my blog!!!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Hanna's 80's Slumber Party

I'm not sure if I ever posted pics of this party -- I was kind of waiting for Hanna to post them on her blog...anyways here are some photos. She got to go to a fun slumber party where the theme was 80's. We went to Savers and bought some stuff and used some stuff that we had and came up with these outfits:

And here's what the rest of the girls wore:

And the mom of the slumber party did Sadie's hair:

Here's the cool dad of the slumber party, Run DMC-style:

And here's the mom on the right:

Hal Hexum

This guy wipes things on his pants to clean them, but he also wipes all his boogers on his pants.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Little Miyo Puddin' Pie

My mom and dad have a loft in their cabin and it's pretty darn dangerous for the kids. There is just a ladder, and it's pretty steep. When you're upstairs, it's a huge hole in the floor and it's hard to get up and down. (p.s. I'm sort of worried about it, because my parents aren't getting any younger...)

Miyo and I went up there, and we were laying on the bed, on our stomachs, feet cutely kicking the air, looking at stuff. I said, "I see an ALARM CLOCK!!!" and she said, "I see a LAMP!", etc etc. Then I said "I see a SUITCASE", and she said, "Yah, a soup-a-case".

And then I got bored of that stupid game and started to go downstairs, and Miyo said,


Dad and Khia

My dad called Khia a "Dead Eyed Dick".

Nancy and I didn't get it, but apparently that means she is a good shot.

All of my sisters and I had to run screaming out of the cabin to stop my dad from shooting bubbles that Khia was blowing. It just seemed a little dangerous.

Or, as Miyo would say,


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Back to work

So, I took four days off. Going back to work today was like waking up from a nap on the way to International Falls and realizing you're only in Forest Lake.

Is that a good analogy?

Not sure. (I just went to International Falls though, so any analogies today or for the next week might include a reference to my home town.) Anyways, I worked until 9:30 tonight, and was STARVING for dinner. I decided, since I have NO groceries, to stop at Noodles on the way home. A luxury I haven't experienced for about a year. I got pretty excited about the mushroom/chicken stroganoff, but almost started crying when I finally got through the detour in Bloomington and saw that all the lights were out as I pulled into the parking lot. But then I saw that Chipotle was open! I parked, grabbed my purse, and then remembered that I forgot my wallet today. I did start crying this time. Looked through every pocket of my purse, the glove box, the nooks and crannies of my car hoping for a check book, a spare credit card, anything. Nothing.

So I started home, but couldn't get back on the freeway because of construction and so went side-streetin' the whole way home. As I drove by Kowalski's on Chicago and 50something'th, I thought, "I should get some groceries, because I'm so hungry, and there's no food in the house." Again, pulling into the lot, parking the car, and again, realizing, FOR THE SECOND TIME, that I had no wallet.

Cry again.
Drive home.
Make an egg burrito.

(That weird orange thing on the egg burrito is an orange bell pepper. The ripped off part was the hard crunchy part of a stale tortilla you have to rip off. I had to tear all the mold off of the cheese also.)
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