I Was Such a Cute Pre-Teen. Ew.

All this talk about deer hunting reminds me...

The following story comes from 1989, when I was 12 years old.  If you're offended at a story about a 12-year-old accidentally getting drunk and it kind of being her dad's fault: STOP READING. 

OK.  When I was 12, I shot my first deer, and so my dad told me I could have a shot of whiskey.  Right of passage or something?  So he left with the three-wheeler to go and get the deer and I stayed at the shack and had my shot of whiskey, and maybe another one.  And maybe another one.  I have no idea how many because that was over 20 years ago.  I do remember I was smart enough to replace the missing whiskey from the bottle with water so that he wouldn't know.  Jeez.  Anyway, I suppose I was curious.  Whatever. 

He came back with my deer and then he informed me that we had to go back out and hunt some more.  I was like, "WHA...?"  Because I thought I was done hunting, maybe forever.  Nope.  Anyways, I was pretty shnockered but I didn't want him to know that!  So I did my best to pretend I wasn't a completely drunk 12-year-old while we walked like what seemed to be 16 miles through the woods (and by the way, I was probably wearing my brother's boots and wool pants which were way too big), and finally we sat down on a downed tree.  You were supposed to be very quiet when hunting, and so in my mind I leaned over and barfed to the side so stealthily and so silently that there was no way my dad, sitting right next to me, would ever ever find out.  I wiped my mouth and looked straight ahead, and then heard my dad laughing. 

He laughed some more and said, "You went and got yourself drunk, didn't you?"
I couldn't BELIEVE he found out!  How could he possibly have known, with how quietly I barfed one foot away from him?  I was busted though.  "BLAaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.  I don't feeeeeeeeeeeeel gooooood."  He put his arm around me and said, "Now isn't this fun?  Isn't drinking wonderful?  Let's quit hunting and go back to the cabin and have some more.  I'll pour you a glass.  We can drink ALL day."

Now that's good parenting.

Seriously, Who Breaks a Toilet Seat?

Might I remind you (CLICK HERE before reading any further) of a story from last summer, one in which my dad made reference under his breath to my butt being large?

Check out the current state of our toilet, taken today, 8/7/2011:

Painters tape?  We must be out of duct tape...

I saw it and freaked out, thinking my mom was going to be in real big trouble.  I'm reminded of my favorite quote from A Thousand Splendid Suns:  “Learn this now, and learn it well, my daughter: Like a compass needle that points north, a man’s accusing finger always finds a woman. Always.”

When I asked my parents who broke the toilet seat, my mom opened her mouth to confess, but before she could speak, my dad admitted it.  How sad that I, (though not a man), immediately pointed my accusing finger at my mom.  How hilarious that even she thought she did it.

Seriously, who breaks a toilet seat?  ME.  And my dad.  Oh, you KNOW I took the opportunity to call him: (not-quite-so-under-my-breath)

"fat ass".

Country Cousins

Cousin Jacqui from Texas came up to visit!  You may remember her from such stories as the 'Tuba Tutor'.  Her mom (my auntie Betsy) and daughters (Willow- 10, and River-5), and my aunties Julie and Debbie drove up from Hutchinson.  Apparently it took 10 hours to get here.  The entire way I was getting texts from Jacqui:

• Looks like we're heading into a thunderstorm...we might not be there until tomorrow morning.
• A kid just passed us on a trike.  I was tempted to ask for a ride...
• Stopped at a bakery. Stopped at a coffee shop. Stopped at a bead store.  Stopped at a gas station.
• Finishing up lunch in Walker.  I think this is the never ending trip.
• Just saw a sign that says Blackduck.
• And we just got stopped for 20 minutes for road construction.
• We just went through Baudette.  Please Lord, let it be over soon.
• Just left Williams.  Stopped to pick up cereal and ice cream.

Needless to say, Jacqui was happy to finally get here:

The girls went straight to business eating popsicles and finding baby mini frogs in our fire pit.

And then I got straight to business receiving a 6-hands massage.  How great is my life?

Then we visited 'Silent City', the unfortunately-named cemetery where my family is buried:

Why is there a bullet casing on this poor couple's stone?  Never mind.

Sunflower patch!

(Check out that face.  Now imagine it for the following story.  My mom had a lot of kids, so she knows all the tricks, especially for getting rid of them when they're buggin' her, or in the way.  She just says very cheerily, "OK, see ya!  Love ya!  Bye!"  Well, River wouldn't fall for it.  With the above face and a robot voice, she said, "Me. Not. Leaving.")

Then cousin Corky came over and started telling the most hilarious stories about his colon cancer issues.  Apparently he knows exactly how to make his own gastro-tube (gas reliever) out of a piece of surgical tubing, a match, and a knife.  He said he got about 5 minutes of fart out of it. 



Here's Jacqui and Julie's reaction as Cousin Sheriel said, "oh, and the stink!"

...And Willow found a 7-leaf clover!!!  (I was kind of jealous...)

...And River did her Gnomeo cheerleader impression.

...And we couldn't get my dad to shut up, so Jacqui did the best she could:

...And River spent three days petting this dead bear.  Is that weird?

See ya next year, Crazies!

Lordy, Lordy, Look Who's Forty

Did you think I would forget, Kelly? 

p.s. Some people think turning 40 offers an air of dignity, decorum, class perhaps.
 

...and clench

She's very serious.

I love Keri's face here.

UPDATE:

Kelly got some bad news today, and in a spirit of loving sisterhood, I thought I ought to post a gorgeous picture of her to be nice.

Love you!

Vocabulary Lesson

Sometimes I make up words.  It's not on purpose or anything; I just can't think of the right one sometimes.  So the other night at the restaurant, I was bussing a table, and clutzily knocked over a glass, which rolled off the table and totally broke. 

"Don't move," I told the group of four old fisherman at the next table, and picked up the big chunks.  "I'm gonna have to get the vacuum, this glass really sharded.  Shard.ed?  SHARDED.?  I guess I mean shattered."

As I walked away, I heard one of the old fishermen whisper to the other, in the most Southern accent you can imagine, "I thought sharded was a shit 'n a fart."

It's Not Connerd!

When my auntie Julie was a little girl, there was a kid named Conrad who lived down the road, and all the neighborhood kids took to callin' him Connerd.  Well he had enough of it one day and screamed, "It's not Connerd!  It's Conwad, Conwad, CONWAD!"

And That's the Toot

My cousin Jacqui takes an elderly woman named Mrs. Osgood into Austin to have therapy about once a month.  She is the properest of propers and would certainly NEVER allow her children to use the word fart. 
One week Jacqui had to bring her daughters River and Willow along for the ride.  Jacqui jumped out to pump gas, and as she stood beside her car, heard River say, "One time, when we were in Minnesota, my mom farted so loud it sounded like a tuba!"  (p.s. I have heard Jacqui fart and 'tuba' is a perfect description.)

Of course, Jacqui laughed hysterically while Mrs. Osgood sat absolutely stone-faced.  Later, Jacqui asked Willow why River said that.  Willow told Jacqui that she was explaining to Mrs. Osgood about how she was so relieved because she had just passed her standardized testing in math.  She had been struggling but Jacqui and Willow prepped and studied and worked very hard and Willow ended up not only passing, but getting a perfect score of 100!  Mrs. Osgood said, "your mom must be a very good tutor!"

Willow said, "yah, she's the best!"

Which reminded River of the time in Minnesota when Jacqui "tuted" so loud it sounded LIKE A TUBA.

River, 5 and Willow, 10

Well, They're Still Married...

My dad and I were bear hunting when I was 14.  We were sitting up against a hay bale.  I was oddly quiet, and ol' Hal was wondering why he didn't have to constantly shush me like usual.  He looked over and noticed that I looked pretty sad.  He asked what was wrong, and I said, "Dad?  Were you and mom really going to get a divorce?"

He was confused, but remembered that the night before after hunting we had stopped into a shack belonging to a guy he went to high school with.  While we were there he told the following story:

"Well, Dianne and I had HAD it.  I packed up my guns, my dogs, my clothes, and took off down the driveway in the truck.  I saw Dianne running after the truck waving her arms, so I stopped. 

'"What do you want?' I asked her.  'Aren't you going to take the kids?'  She yelled.  'No!  I don't want 'em!'  I said, and she said, 'Well I don't want 'em either.'

"We stared at eachother for a while, and finally I turned the truck around.  I unpacked all of my stuff.  We realized we could never get a divorce because neither of us wanted those darn kids."

Still keeping the folks together,
Kady

New Invention

"A hill, a steep hill, made entirely of carpet laid upside down, that I can slide down, naked."

-My niece Hanna, after a particularily horrible bout with Poison Ivy.

Farm Girl for Reals

My dad bought a grader from the distant past.  In fact I think it drove here in the DeLorean.  It cost $500.  And it's sole purpose is to level out the driveway.  I thought that was a fool notion, buying a $500, six-ton machine to do one job.  I don't believe in buying expensive equipment that only has one use. 

However, it's really fun.  The other day we scraped and graded and today we leveled out the driveway.  Next we're going to do the neighbor's!  (Because it's so dern much fun.)  My job is to stand on the back and lower and raise the grader as needed.  The ancient gears don't want to turn though because they've been in one position for 76 years, and so today we had to chain the blade to a tree in order to jar it loose because it was stuck at an angle, and we needed to straighten it out.  Then we greased it up and adjusted it just right.  And now the driveway is perfect.  Dad says we won't have any standing water come next spring.

This way...

...and that way

Click here to see realtime video of the hard work we do up here on the farm.

Lake of the Woods, Vol.2

Family Day, Week 3.
 
I went fishing with 'The Bickersons' on Lake of the Woods.  They caught three small saugers and I caught nothin'.  NOTHIN'!  This lake is really pretty, though and it's real fun imagining my dad's $100, 14-foot tin crapheap taking on too much water in the middle of the lake and having to save my life and theirs while they argue over who's fault it was. 

Not a trophy, but makes for good eats!

There is So Much Going On...

I haven't been posting every day, but folks, there is SO much going on up here in the north woods.  For example: (and this is straight out of The Northern Light, Lake of the Woods County's premier newspaper).

• P.* and B.B. visited V. and V.F. Friday July 12th.  C.S. was their supper guest that evening.  Wednesday morning R.S. was a coffee guest.  July 15th V. stepped out of the house wondering what Keno the dog was watching.  There stood two huge timberwolves at the end of the driveway.  Keno went after them.  Luckily V. was able to get the dog to come back.
• Little C.D. had a sleepover on Friday night with Grandpa and Grandma D.
• After seeing my mother get out of the wheelchair at the Back Home Days program last Friday, I said she and L.N. could be on Dancing with the Stars.  Hollywood will be calling!  Mom is a hard act to follow.
• A.S., the good Norwegian, has been baking blueberry pies in the hot/humid weather, getting ready for B.T.'s family coming from Alaska on July 25.
• J. L. visited friends in the area while spending a week out by the lake in a niece's trailer home.  J. keeps busy making crafts.
• Mom enjoys the mail and watching the Twins games with J.W. and visiting on the phone with family and friends.  Thank you for your prayers!
• July 10th J.S. and J. went shopping in Bemidji.  They enjoyed eating crab legs at The Super Buffet before they came home.  R. stayed with E. while J. and J. were in Bemidji.  July 8th D. S. rode up from St. Cloud with R. and J. for a visit.  R. and J. are building a home over behind K. and V. P.'s.

It keeps going, folks.  With all this hub-bub, it's hard to get my regular tasks done, like blogging and napping.  But I'll see if I can't get a handle on it all.  Just for you.



*Names have been shortened to protect privacy.

Professional

My mom and I finally opened the last few boxes from the move, which were all of her framed family photos, and arranged them in her bedroom. 

Included were the three professional photos that exist of our family.  This first one was taken at the mall in International Falls, MN.  They must have adertised in the paper because I can't think of any possible reason that the eight of us would have been at the mall together.  I remember having fun picking out my outfit, but throwing a fit because the hat didn't match.  They tried to tell me that it didn't matter because the photo would be black-and-white, but that didn't make sense to me.  Also everybody told me NOT to smile, because people in the olden days didn't smile.  I thought that was total crap.  Poor olden day people!  I guess they meant they didn't smile in photos.  I rebelled and smiled anyway.

1982?

I have no memory of this next one.  Statistics show that at least 3 in 8 Hexums will feather their hair.  Check out Keri's perm-mullet:

1984?

This one was the 30th Anniversary photo for my parents.  Somebody had the great idea to all wear denim. (Keri).  I hate my hair in this picture, but at least I don't have a piece of poop on my upper lip (Pete).

1997

Lake of the Woods

I got to go fishing on Lake of the Woods the other day with Jim Riley, who owns and operates Into the Wild Adventures.  He books fishing and hunting trips all over the world and has stamps in his passport that could rival even my own.  He is staying at the resort where I work for the summer, and offered to take us out in the boat.  For free!  I caught the biggest walleye that anyone has ever caught of my life.  We couldn't have asked for better weather.  Not too hot, not too cold...in fact, I really didn't care that much about catching fish at all, lest it interrupt my fabulously relaxing day in the boat.

Ahhhhhhhhh...I almost forgot I'm a waitress.

Gentleman Jim changed out my jiggers, baited my hook, and netted my fish. He even looked the other way when I had to pee off the side of the boat.  I can't say the same for the neighboring launches, but I digress. 

Now you know I have a policy never to touch anything icky, and so of course I had never touched a fish in my life. But Jim got me to hold up my walleye for a few photos.  You can probably tell by my face that I was calm, easy, and relaxed freaking right out and hyperventilating, "it's looking at me! It's looking at me. It's LOOKING AT ME.  Is it going to poop on me?  I think it might poop on me!  How do I release it?  What do I do?  It's looking.at.me!  Oh my God.  Oh my God." And then when I had to throw it back into the lake I about died because I was SURE it was going to get caught on my hand and take me with it, then gather up all its friends to pierce MY lip for revenge.

What a beaut!  The fish, obviously.

Oh and Jim caught some fish too:

We won't discuss how big his fish was.

So anyway, if you're into hunting and fishing and the like, and maybe you have a hankering to go to Argentina or New Zealand or Africa for that matter, check out Jim's webpage.

Crushed Dreams and Country Justice

I'm still getting over a nasty cough, so today I drifted in and out of consciousness until 1pm. My mom was downstairs watching the weirdest crap on TV (I could only hear it) and finally I was like, "what IS this?" She told me it was a dumb movie on the Lifetime Movie Network. Well, she watched like three in a row. So around 1pm when I finally decided to get out of bed, I yelled down the stairs that she had to change the channel before she got into yet another crappy Lifetime movie. It wasn't disrespectful, promise. More like a 'you'll thank me later' thing.

Anyway, we ended up watching a cute little movie called Morning Glory with Rachel McAdams, Diane Keaton and Harrison Ford. I loved it.  But -- in it, there is a scene where Rachel McAdams loses her job and she's talking to her mom, who was kind of mean, and basically told her to give up her dream of being an Executive Producer of a popular morning talk show. I think the quote went something like this:

"When you were 8, [your dream] was adorable; when you were 18, it was inspiring, but now, at 28, it's officially embarrassing. Let's stop before it becomes heartbreaking."

Isn't that MEAN!? So I said to MY mom, "don't you ever crush my dreams like that!"

And she said, "YOUR dreams? You? Who wouldn't let me watch 'Country Justice'?"





p.s.
I was searching for a google image for this post, and found this hilarious blog, a movie review site Specially for the Lifetime Movie Network:
http://www.mothermayisleepwithlifetime.com/

Here is a post specifically about 'Country Justice', including a synopsis:
http://mothermayisleepwithlifetime.blogspot.com/2011/01/county-justice.html

Dear Ryan Gosling...

Dear Ryan Gosling, are you sure you won't reconsider my dinner date invitation? I know I probably called you at a very busy time...what with you promoting your new movie and everything...but, let's look at the facts:

• I am a very good cook
• I am trained in massage therapy
• You are very good looking:

Photo stolen from perezhilton.com

• I am very good looking:

• I would prefer not to work
• I am practically Canadian
• Some say I look just like Scarlett Johansson
• I am willing to overlook your awkward Mickey Mouse Club phase:

Ugh...you were even adorable in your awkward Mickey Mouse Club phase.

• My parents want me out of their house
• I want a baby

So, call me will ya?  My number is on your cell phone.  Repeatedly. 

Love, Kady

Hello, Hair Cut

Another set of comparison photos, if I may:



This is last year's bad haircut, (a result of trying to trim-up in foreign countries):

This is my dad in 1967:

This is last year's bad haircut again:

And here we have Ace Ventura, Pet Detective:

And...here we have Ed Grimley: