Friday, January 4, 2019

Logic

All my life my parents never locked the doors to their house. I don't think I ever in my life had a key.

One day this summer my dad and I were leaving the house together and he locked up behind us. I looked at him funny and he goes, "when your mom was alive it was only half mine. Now it's ALL mine."








Sunday, December 30, 2018

Coffee Talk

My dad's Keurig is on the fritz.

I suggested he might need a new one. He asked how much they are and I said, "I don't know? 30 bucks?"

Hal: "Wanna pay $15 each?"

Me: "no"

Hal: "Well, $15'd be easier for both of us."




Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Whattabooger

Somewhere in Eau Claire Wisconsin, a beautiful young professional woman (me) extends her delicate lady fingers out an open car window, lightly rubbing the middle and thumb together as if sifting through sand. Suddenly the wind picks up and carries her booger right back into the car.

She quickly looks at her husband to make sure he does not see. 

He is already laughing. 





Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Deathiversary

Today was my mom's one year Deathiversary. That is to say she died one year ago today. I haven't said that out loud on this blog yet because I've just had probably the worst year of my life and your mom dying is never funny. And I guess I only like to write about things that are funny. 

Well - I'm back Jerry! Here's something funny:

I woke up at 4am on this, the morning of my dear mother's deathiversary to myself literally crapping the bed. Pooping in the bed. Full-on diarrhea poop. No warning. I wasn't sick. I didn't eat anything weird. Poop.

I knew my siblings might appreciate the irony and also the poop story (we are an intelligent humor bunch, us). So I sent them all a quick text on the old Mass-textomy.

Enjoy!










Wednesday, November 14, 2018

Hal-isms, Vol. 73

"I don't know if you've noticed but I drive not violent. 'Non-violent driving' they call it."
 
"It's time I stopped dreaming young men's dreams. I need to start dreaming of sitting on the couch listening to the neighbors and watching Trump settle the world's affairs."
 
"I buy my eggs in twins."
 
"You try to help other people, and then YOU suffer. That's been my life."
 
"Kady. I can't keep up with this modern world."
 



 
 
 
 
 

Monday, October 8, 2018

Continuation of the Mass-Textomy


I met a very important milestone in my old lady life today - I had my first mammogram. Of course I had to text my siblings the joyous news.

Jerks.






Wednesday, September 12, 2018

Pineapples!

 
 
Have you ever seen how pineapples grow? It's SO COOL. I suppose I just thought they grew on trees like any good tropical fruit, but then on a trip to Samoa I got to see that they grow right out of the ground.
 
Insane.
 
 
These pictures are from Ponta del Gada Portugal, where they have a pineapple plantation. Really it was multiple greenhouses with about 2500 plants in each one.
 
I was ASTOUNDED to learn that it takes 18-24 months for one to grow. Did you know that you can also take the tops off of them, plant them, and then in just 24 short months you'll have a new, mini pineapple that you can eat?
 
Well you can.
 
 
 





It just feels like they should cost $25 and not $7 because of how long they take?

I mean?



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