Tuesday, April 22, 2014

And Just Like That, It's Spring

It snowed three inches on Wednesday of last week. And everybody in Minneapolis is like, SO over snow let me tell you. So when I woke up Sunday morning to the view of my across-the-street neighbors having coffee and reading magazines on their front porch and the sun was out and even their indoor cats were outside, I thought I might still be dreaming. I made a cup and joined them and that started the most glorious outside day ever. Seventy degrees!

I peeped the party and invited myself. What a stalker.



Sal's a little fat. Don't judge.


Barefoot Skateboarding!? Well of course! It's Spring!

Summer and Shash and I went for a lovely walk in our Old Lady hats (the sun was out, and, you know). All of the neighbors in the whole neighborhood were outside! And they all waved back when I waved at them! It was so wonderful! We met another (unfortunately we forgot to memo her on the hat rule) friend at The Blue Door on 35th and 42nd. Our entire bill was $14.12 for an order of cajun tots and six pints of beer. Best Happy Hour in Minneapolis.





After that I got a massage and then we all met back at the across-the-street neighbors for the first of many, many backyard fires of the year. Good LORD that was a long winter.

The end. 

Monday, April 21, 2014

They're Fake

Some of you have asked -- and no, these are not my real eyelashes:

Duh.



Here's what they actually look like (although those three on the very right are obviously fake):




My friend Roxie tells me I shouldn't tell people they're fake. I should just smile and say "thank you" when complimented. I can't handle the stress. What if somebody found out somehow that they aren't real and I wasn't the one who told them? This is why I can never get boob implants. 

I go to a place in Edina where I bought a membership for $60 a month to get them "filled". A lady named Doua dims the lights, puts on some very relaxing music and proceeds to glue an individual fake eyelash to each of my invisible ones while I sleep. Of course I sleep. There's relaxing music! I made her take this next photo. As you can see, at the end of three weeks most of them have fallen out and it's time to get them "filled" and I procrastinated just a bit too long. Those white things separate my bottom lashes so she doesn't glue my eyes shut. 





I know that I fall asleep because I frequently wake myself up mid-snore. The way that I snore is so funny too it's like a "PAAAAAAA" [breathe in]...."PAAAAA"...[breathe in]..."PAAAAAA". I begged Doua to take a video of the snoring but I think she was too embarrassed because she didn't do it.

I think they're worth every penny. If not just for the opportunity once a month to take that delicious snore-nap.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

National Record Store Day

It's National Record Store Day again, folks! That magical day in Spring where we walk four blocks on down to Hymie's and stand in the street drinking PBR and listening to up-and-coming local bands.

Two years ago, we went fishing for hipsters and last year I turned into a bully and whitewashed a good friend.

Here's a photo of us from last year. (That cute tall guy facing the other direction in the background asked me for my phone number and I panicked and told him I would give it to him but..."it's too long".)




Monday, April 14, 2014

Summer-isms, Vol. 64

"I'm working on it cuz I cut out grains."

"All I can do is cry."

"I asked Modest Mouse for a baked potato bar."

"You're ashamed? You know what you're wearing, yeah?"

"They're prostitute-beggar-priests."



Thursday, April 10, 2014

Happy National Sibling Day

Apparently, it's National Sibling Day*. Across America. I know this because I subscribe to something called the Internet.




Left to Right: Kasey, Kady, Pete, Kelly, Keri and Kim

So. I'd like to celebrate my siblings. In one sentence or more:

KIM:

Kim is the oldest. Mom to Hanna and Skeeter. Has the wonderful pond. She knew the private and basic love of being an only child, if but for one short year and resents all of us for the loss of that pretty much every day. She was really into picking my boogers and I had to let her because she was the boss of me and so I spent many an awful minute bent backwards over her lap while she sat on the toilet and picked and picked and picked them.

SCOTTY:

He was just a little baby when he died of complications from Spinal Myelo Meningocele. There were only a few pictures of him and my mom is pretty sure one of the kids took them to school one day and lost them and so now we don't have any. They say he had red hair. I never know if I should say I have seven kids in my family or six. What a cute name though, huh?

KERI:

Keri is married to Marc and lives in Hutchinson. They have 178 dogs and love every of them one like it was their own. I love Keri because she used to be SO UPTIGHT and now she is as loose as a goose. (This was a girl who used to line my toilet with toilet paper right in front of me...and now...she at least waits until I've turned my back.) They once found a worm in her underwear after she had been playing in the pigpen. My mom freaked out, thinking she had some terrible pig disease, but they finally realized it probably just crawled in there.

KELLY:

She is married to Mike and stepmom to Karley and David. Lived in Ohio for seven years but moved back to St. Paul finally and lives five minutes up the road. Mean as mean can be but gives the best advice. I call her whenever I have a problem or a question about life in general. She drove over a bicycle the day she got her driver's license and couldn't go to the movies with her friends like she hoped. 

PETE:

Pete is married to Tanya. Lives in Wisconsin. Most folks know him as Cowboy Pete. He's the only boy, and the only one without a 'K' name. (Rumor has it that my mom named him Pete after my great-grandpa Pete paid her $50 to do so). Most people feel sorry for him, being the only boy in a family of five girls. Let me tell you there is no reason to feel sorry for him. He got his own room. We had three bedrooms growing up and he got his own. Do the math on that one. Also: all new clothes. No hand-me-downs. However one day he did have to go to school with a mini pad taped to his face because we were out of band-aids one day.

KADY:

Definitely the favorite. Rightly so. Gorgeous.

KASEY:

Mom to Miles, Murphy and Miyo. We were basically attached at the hip our entire childhoods. Once we had a boy come over to the house and I knew Kasey was in love with him. We were all standing on the back porch talking to him. We were like seven and five. She was wearing my dad's yellow "Equal Opportunity Kitchen" robe and that's about it. I was standing behind her and I thought it would be hilarious to push her off the back porch while she was talking to him and so I did. She landed face down on the grass and just laid there. Arms out. The cute boy and I looked on. All you could see was the apron string and her undies. She was really mad at me and I couldn't really understand why? I mean, it was so funny to push her! I finally figured out it was the underwear. Sorry, Kasey.


*I did not confirm that it's actually National Sibling Day.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Favorite Things

Well I very optimistically bought two tickets to St. Vincent's concert months ago -- and I still don't have a boy date, SURPRISE SURPRISE. I'm taking Hobo Siren instead. If you get stuck in an Internet wormhole watching St. Vincent videos all afternoon as a result of this post, YOU'RE WELCOME.










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