Monday, September 18, 2017

Hal-isms, Vol. 70

Volume 70!
On this, somewhere during the week of the anniversary of the 70th year of his birth (cuz I can never remember the actual date):



"I'll have a cup of coffee...try to say something to your mom before she tells me to shut up."
 
"My God, I can't take my hand off your shoulder without hitting your butt on the way down. I gotta swing wide. Like gettin' off my four wheeler. Swing my leg wide."
 
"Is everything in China about sitting on a stump somewhere, meditating?"
 
"Do them Irish people ever stop singin'?"
 
"When I get dementia and start wanderin' up by Sheriff Gary Fish's place and you guys'll hafta put out an LMNOP on me."
 
 


 

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Sunday Favorites: Chewing Gum

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. Enjoy! This story originally appeared on April 4, 2015:


The resort where we stayed in Cancun had a fancy Italian restaurant where we ate most nights. After a long day of reading books and doing nothing on the beach, we'd all head up to our rooms, shower and meet back downstairs for a delicious meal and drinks. There were eleven of us, and so we had to be split up at two tables.

We wore our best dresses and drank wine and were very, very fancy.


Look how fancy!



After dinner the first night, I stood up to go and chat with the other table. We discussed what they ate and how good it was. An older man who worked at the restaurant came up to me and grabbed my arm and dragged me back to the table where I was sitting, to the spot where I was eating. He seemed very agitated when he said to me, "PLEASE DO NOT PUT YOUR GUM UNDER THE TABLE CLOTH." 

The staff were changing out the linens and sure enough, at my spot, under the table cloth was a piece of gum.

YOU GUYS. It was NOT MINE.

We were eating fancy! I would never put my gum under the tablecloth! It was seriously way up underneath, so whoever did it had to pull up three yards of fabric and shove it up under there, on the pad underneath. 

I said, "Sir, that's not mine."

He poked it and said, "FRESH."

I poked it. 

It was fresh. 

But you guys!!! It was NOT. MINE. I repeated myself. "Sir, I am telling you that gum is NOT MINE."

He was so disgusted with me and so finally I just shrugged my shoulders and walked away.



Does this look like somebody who just shoved GUM under her fancy tablecloth?



The story doesn't end here, unfortunately.

The next night, I was nervous to go back there, but I decided to get over myself and just do it. I sat down and out of the corner of my eye I noticed the man. Out of the corner of my other eye, I noticed one of my friends putting her gum on a little plate next to her dinner plate. I didn't have any time to warn her.

Here comes the waiter (not the same man, but he came straight from talking to the man). He handed her a paper napkin and said, "please put your gum in this paper napkin. And anyone else at this table *here he looked STRAIGHT AT ME* needs to put their gum in a paper napkin right now."


ENOUGH!

I threw my cloth napkin down on the table and half stood up to say to that poor innocent waiter, "OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! I DID NOT PUT MY GUM IN THE TABLECLOTH! YOU TELL THAT MAN I DIDN'T DO IT! AND WILL YOU PLEASE ALSO TELL HIM I AM 37 YEARS OLD!!!!!"


He looked really hurt and said, "yes, I will tell him". 

And then he came back later to take our order and I said, "I'll have the seared tuna. With extra gum."

And then the poor innocent waiter said, "please. I am on your side."

And then I really felt bad. 

But for Pete's sake, can you imagine being accused of a heinous crime? Twice? When you were 100% innocent of it? Now I know how Cameron Todd Willingham felt.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Hidden Treasures

Look at the sweet wallpaper we unearthed in one of the bedrooms at the House Across:




Thursday, September 7, 2017

Zach

"Is that your husband with the crazy hair?" asked the 3-year-old, and everyone else. Ever. When I told my mom he proposed, her first question was, "are you gonna make him cut his hair?"

I wouldn't dream of it.


What do you mean "crazy"?




Wanna peek at little Zachy Poo Poo from 1992 when we met in the 9th grade? I'd sooner ask him to cut off his right hand.



Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Technology

Zach and I have spent a lot of time apart since we met - we both move around a lot: he takes long jobs in Vermont from time-to-time and this summer I've basically been living at my parents' place. 

Imagine how proud we were when we finally figured out how to video chat! 










Of course inevitably he falls asleep (10:27 AM dontchaknow) and then I just look at myself in the mirror camera.










Sunday, September 3, 2017

Sunday Favorites: Fanny

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. Enjoy! This story originally appeared on August 20, 2014:


A good friend of mine was recently photographed and subsequently mocked for his choice in hands-free gear-carrying:

According to my source:

The Oscar winner, 44, laughed off his style choice with a big grin during an interview with CSN Houston's Julia Morales. He attended the game with his 6-year-old son Levi, and topped off his retro bag with a white T-shirt, khaki pants, a baseball cap and sunglasses.

"I'm not afraid of the fanny pack. You gotta kinda put it on the side to make it look a little not as nerdy, but still, practicality wins out," the Dallas Buyers Club actor said. "I got so much gear in here that I don't want in my pockets."


You know what, how many times have you been around someone and they're like, 'Aw, man, I forgot so and so and I gotta go back to my car.'" Pretending to take something out of his hip pouch, he added: "I got mine right here."







I couldn't agree more, Pal. That is SO TRUE.

And I do want to go on record and state that it was me who very probably single-free-handedly started this trend:




As snapped by the paparazzi, April 2011



And again, January 2014

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Telecommuting, Redneck Style

My mom is in hospice, and so I have spent most of this summer at my parents' place up in Roosevelt MN. My company has been wonderful - they're allowing me to work remotely so that I can be with her. I brought my home office computer and two monitors and set them up in my old loft bedroom. I love it! I wear my overalls every day (and to bed) and work work work and sometimes I go down the ladder and vacuum, or do laundry, or get pills or make meals and it's been working really well.

Today I was on the phone with an insurance agent following up on a binder that I had ordered. My mom was downstairs with HER NURSE, talking about vitals and pain management and this weird pain in her head and could that be another tumor?
...when all of the sudden BANG!!!

My dad shot a squirrel. From inside the house.


I pretended nothing happened
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