Saturday, April 20, 2019

Hal-isms, Vol. 74

"Stick to bein' a cop. Quit this kissin' stuff."

"You expect a lot outta people who aren't Norwegians."

"Whoa whoa whoa what's going on?"
** his phone rang

"I've seen this - the kids are dead the mom screams and screams 'madre dios' let's watch somthin' else."

"That was before when I used to get offended when people did me dirt."




Friday, January 4, 2019

Logic

All my life my parents never locked the doors to their house. I don't think I ever in my life had a key.

One day this summer my dad and I were leaving the house together and he locked up behind us. I looked at him funny and he goes, "when your mom was alive it was only half mine. Now it's ALL mine."








Sunday, December 30, 2018

Coffee Talk

My dad's Keurig is on the fritz.

I suggested he might need a new one. He asked how much they are and I said, "I don't know? 30 bucks?"

Hal: "Wanna pay $15 each?"

Me: "no"

Hal: "Well, $15'd be easier for both of us."




Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Whattabooger

Somewhere in Eau Claire Wisconsin, a beautiful young professional woman (me) extends her delicate lady fingers out an open car window, lightly rubbing the middle and thumb together as if sifting through sand. Suddenly the wind picks up and carries her booger right back into the car.

She quickly looks at her husband to make sure he does not see. 

He is already laughing. 





Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Deathiversary

Today was my mom's one year Deathiversary. That is to say she died one year ago today. I haven't said that out loud on this blog yet because I've just had probably the worst year of my life and your mom dying is never funny. And I guess I only like to write about things that are funny. 

Well - I'm back Jerry! Here's something funny:

I woke up at 4am on this, the morning of my dear mother's deathiversary to myself literally crapping the bed. Pooping in the bed. Full-on diarrhea poop. No warning. I wasn't sick. I didn't eat anything weird. Poop.

I knew my siblings might appreciate the irony and also the poop story (we are an intelligent humor bunch, us). So I sent them all a quick text on the old Mass-textomy.

Enjoy!










Wednesday, November 14, 2018

Hal-isms, Vol. 73

"I don't know if you've noticed but I drive not violent. 'Non-violent driving' they call it."
 
"It's time I stopped dreaming young men's dreams. I need to start dreaming of sitting on the couch listening to the neighbors and watching Trump settle the world's affairs."
 
"I buy my eggs in twins."
 
"You try to help other people, and then YOU suffer. That's been my life."
 
"Kady. I can't keep up with this modern world."
 



 
 
 
 
 

Monday, October 8, 2018

Continuation of the Mass-Textomy


I met a very important milestone in my old lady life today - I had my first mammogram. Of course I had to text my siblings the joyous news.

Jerks.






Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...