Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Hal-isms, Vol. 67

"I don't know about gettin' drunk but I'm gettin' diarrhea"

"Well, you marry a gadabout you get a gadabout"

"I know what the community needs"

"This guy left me a gallon of coyote urine, and we were gonna split it..."

"What's so funny about that? He gets two quarts and I get two quarts?"

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Prude to Be an American

I work out at a fancy schmancy Pilates Studio multiple times a week sometimes. I change in the bathroom from my work clothes into my expensive Lulu Lemon/Athleta outfits Target sale rack stained with bacon grease outfits.

I am also late every single time, so I'm always in a rush and running to the bathroom, changing while I pee (I have this down to a science. I can do my bra and top during the pee and also change my pants and socks). 

Anyway, I have in the past forgotten myself and started unbuttoning my top in the lockers area, which wouldn't normally be a problem except there are occasional men who work out there and also the front desk person is a man and although they aren't always in the lockers area, they could totally go there, because it's not a WOMEN'S ONLY kind of thing. 

The other day I came sailing out of the women's bathroom to find a tall skinny model of a woman (the only people who work out at my Pilates studio by the way) standing in the lockers area with her button-down shirt open and her bra totally visible for the world to see.


"No", she said in her perfect European accent. "This is just a shirt", she said, flapping her real shirt open and shut to reveal her bra, which I was accidentally staring at because she was calling it a 'shirt' but it was totally a bra.


"No," she said again in her perfect European accent. "I did it on purpose." and didn't shut her shirt.

The image I found when I google imaged "tall skinny model in locker room"

Tuesday, March 21, 2017


In December during our trip to Hawaii, Zach and I came to the harsh realization that we are basically golfers. 

I mean, we golf. We just do.

In Kona, we definitely drove up to the Country Club on several different occasions to find we had just missed closing time, but then when we finally got in we couldn't go because he didn't have a collared shirt so then we bought one at the grocery store and then we definitely bought a couple of buckets of balls and hit them. I got to hit a lot of mine twice! Because they didn't go very far!,

On the way home we drove through Palm Springs where we just couldn't resist the urge to hit the links for an 18-hole Par 3 experience. We are just naturals let me tell you. The scores don't lie -- and mine was the highest and best score you've ever seen!

It makes sense really, because golfing combines everything we love: driving a golf cart and drinking beer. AT THE SAME TIME.

"Collared shirt". Fancy!!

Left-handedly using a right-handed putter.

Zach has it in his blood, I think. His uncle hikes around and hits a golf ball wherever he goes. I think he's going to walk across the US hitting a golf ball -- and has already gone the whole way around the Salton Sea.

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Zach-isms, Vol. Fart

"I'm not farting ON you, I'm farting WITH you."

"I like to toot around you."

"It's like a weird bladder infection, but it's brought on by poop."

"You know how I always say I like my farts? I didn't like that one."

Monday, January 16, 2017

Hal-isms, Vol. 66

"Kady he fell off the stage. Do you know I've fallen off every log, hay bale, and tractor I've ever seen? And do I whine? Kady, have you ever heard me whine?"

"I've accepted my fate to be an example to all humans."

"Well why don't you go back to sleep? It's appears you have a laid back lifestyle. Meanwhile your mom yelled at me for leaving the broom and dustpan out and the door open."

"Give me that one present. Don't blog this."

"If I didn't love ya I wouldn't give a damn."

Thursday, January 12, 2017

The Half Moon Treatment

Zach and I just got back from Oahu. While there, we walked about a mile to get from our hotel to our favorite beach spot. The quickest way was to walk along the beach but at some points the water line was right up against a hotel and so part of the way we had to walk along a pretty narrow sidewalk (pictured here). 

We walked with tubes and so it was a little awkward to traverse, and in some places it jams up with people cuz a giant turtle appears in the water below - anyway it's mostly single file. One day I was ahead of Zach in the single file walking, and we are in love, so I lowered my pants enough to give him the half moon treatment. 

When I turned around to laugh about it with him, he wasn't there. He's so sweet he let a tiny little demure Japanese woman and her husband pass him.
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