Whattabooger

Somewhere in Eau Claire Wisconsin, a beautiful young professional woman (me) extends her delicate lady fingers out an open car window, lightly rubbing the middle and thumb together as if sifting through sand. Suddenly the wind picks up and carries her booger right back into the car.

She quickly looks at her husband to make sure he does not see. 

He is already laughing. 

Step Kid Pride

You know I'll be honest - when I married Zach and two teenage boys fell into my lap, I was terrified of the homework/attendance/schedule crap that comes along with kids. But through some stroke of luck Zach got them into a fabulous community school where there IS no homework, and the boys actually like going. I'm so thankful for PPL and LNAS.

 

Check out this video, in which Micah (misspelled in the video as "Micha") is interviewed at 3:01 and 4:27!

 

LNAS student film from Project for Pride in Living on Vimeo.

Zach

"Is that your husband with the crazy hair?" asked the 3-year-old, and everyone else. Ever. When I told my mom he proposed, her first question was, "are you gonna make him cut his hair?"

I wouldn't dream of it.

What do you mean "crazy"?

Wanna peek at little Zachy Poo Poo from 1992 when we met in the 9th grade? I'd sooner ask him to cut off his right hand.

Technology

Zach and I have spent a lot of time apart since we met - we both move around a lot: he takes long jobs in Vermont from time-to-time and this summer I've basically been living at my parents' place. 

Imagine how proud we were (at the ripe old age of forty) when we finally figured out how to video chat! 

Of course inevitably he falls asleep (10:27 AM dontchaknow) and then I just look at myself in the mirror camera.

Living with Teenage Boys, Vol. 1

A surprise around every corner.

Who Wears the Pants?

This is embarrassing for me to admit, but I tried on Zach's pants and they fit me. In fact they were kind of tight:

Worse, he fits in mine too and they look better on him: 

Golf!

In December during our trip to Hawaii, Zach and I came to the harsh realization that we are basically golfers. 

I mean, we golf. We just do.

In Kona, we definitely drove up to the Country Club on several different occasions to find we had just missed closing time, but then when we finally got in we couldn't go because he didn't have a collared shirt so then we bought one at the grocery store and then we definitely bought a couple of buckets of balls and hit them. I got to hit a lot of mine twice! Because they didn't go very far!,

On the way home we drove through Palm Springs where we just couldn't resist the urge to hit the links for an 18-hole Par 3 experience. We are just naturals let me tell you. The scores don't lie -- and mine was the highest and best score you've ever seen!

It makes sense really, because golfing combines everything we love: driving a golf cart and drinking beer. AT THE SAME TIME.

"Collared shirt". Fancy!!

Left-handedly using a right-handed putter.

Zach has it in his blood, I think. His uncle hikes around and hits a golf ball wherever he goes. I think he's going to walk across the US hitting a golf ball -- and has already gone the whole way around the Salton Sea.

The Half Moon Treatment

Zach and I just got back from Oahu. While there, we walked about a mile to get from our hotel to our favorite beach spot. The quickest way was to walk along the beach but at some points the water line was right up against a hotel and so part of the way we had to walk along a pretty narrow sidewalk (pictured here). 

We walked with tubes and so it was a little awkward to traverse, and in some places it jams up with people cuz a giant turtle appears in the water below - anyway it's mostly single file. One day I was ahead of Zach in the single file walking, and we are in love, so I lowered my pants enough to give him the half moon treatment. 

When I turned around to laugh about it with him, he wasn't there. He's so sweet he let a tiny little demure Japanese woman and her husband pass him.

The Worst Kind of Turd is an Honest One, Volume: Step Mom

One of the first bike rides we went on as a step-family happened to be a 68-mile round trip from our house to Wisconsin and back. Which of course took hours. And made for a nice opportunity for conversation. 

The 14-year-old and I were riding side-by-side at one point, and he said to me: "Out of all the girls in my life I've ever met you're the only one who doesn't complain about her weight."

<Insert AWWWWWWWWWWWW here>

My heart got so warm. My head got so big it almost exploded. Every feminist bone in my body shone brightly --- finally! Somebody noticed and appreciated my "realness". I thanked him for noticing and responded by saying that it's important to be healthy and riding bikes is one way that I try to stay healthy, and blah blah blah....but then my mind retraced his comment..."complain about her weight" 

I asked, "wait. are you saying that it's surprising because I'm also like the one girl in your life who's not skinny?"

"Well. Yah," he said, "you're actually kind of fat."

Gonna be a long ride.

The Wooden Part

I had a friend who was begging her Little Turd of a daughter to rub her feet. And then the Little Turd said, "OK. But only the top part. Not the wooden part."



This led to a years-long joke about the wooden part of a person's feet - you know the calloused part that the lady at the pedicure place has to SCRAPE and SCRAPE and you get really embarrassed?

Fast forward to my new life of living in my one room home with my lovely husband his two teenage boys. It's not ideal. If anybody farts the whole house hears it. And smells it too. The place is an open floor plan loft-style home. See what I mean?

(I designed it while I was planning to die alone.)

ANYWAY, Zach has been growing quite a nasty wooden part of his own on his heel all summer from working. He's OBSESSED with it and makes me touch it all the time. 

Well: the other night at bedtime Zach and I were getting ready to fall asleep, whispering and snuggling and otherwise falling in love, the usual. He grabbed my hand and made me touch his nasty wooden heel. I laughed and said, too loud, (in baby talk I might add): 

"ARE YOU MAKING ME TOUCH THE WOODEN PART AGAIN?"

His face dropped.

I gasped.

We died, while hoping beyond hope the kids were already sleeping.

Zach-isms, Vol. 1

Meet my husband, Zach. He's the sweetest and handsomest fellow in all the land and someday I will tell you all about how we met and fell in love, but for now -- the first installment of Zach-isms:

Sometimes he says them when he's still sleeping:

"Is there really M&M's for sale?"

...and sometimes when he's still awake:

"After being married for a few months I now know that women's poops don't not smell."

"Which chin should I kiss?" 

"I saw my friend Brian the baker. His name is Brian and he's a baker."

...and sometimes I get really excited when Nora McInerny Purmort retweets a picture of my uglyface review of her book to her 10,000 Twitter followers:

"Why do you want 10,000 people to see your ugly cry face?" 

World's Tallest Filing Cabinet

Somewhere in Burlington Vermont in the middle of a field lies the World's Tallest Filing Cabinet. It's in the Guinness Book of World Records and everything!

I had to see it. Had to! Especially with these ringing endorsements from all of these exciting people on Trip Advisor:

Best day of my life.

Good Friends

Oh we have fun:






Running on the beach...

Going wheeling...

You may remember that I was able to spend some very special time with my very good friends during their big wedding week. I'm happy to report they were able to make it my wedding (last minute! I couldn't believe it!)

original photo credit to Nylon Saddle Photography

Why I Got Married, Honestly

Because being single is hard.

The Worst Kind of Turd is an Honest One, Vol. 5

I got this text from my little turd nice Hanna the other day...

See? Turd.

She makes a good point. In all cases. I did get married. I haven't written a post here in forever. I don't know what to write now that I can't use my "I'm going to die alone and be eaten by my cats" shtick. 

And, my husband "builds me adorable custom shelving":

Adorable Custom Shelving

I guess I'll have to write about funny things that happen to married people. Like, seriously, this guy has NO Netflix etiquette. He watches OUR show by himSELF just because I fall asleep everytime the TV is on.

It's not that funny. I know.