- I'm in Minneapolis.
- I found an apartment.
- I start my job in a couple weeks.
- I'm shopping for furniture.
- I'm going to Puerto Rico.
"That's probably the second time in my life I've been wrong. The first time I thought I was wrong. But I was wrong."
"I wonder if I should even bother. I got turds all over the garage."
"I cleaned 'em up. There's a china kid who's hungry."
"Kady. If I had it to do over. Well, actually I probably wouldn't have had kids."
"I'm a connoisseur of steaks. I eat venison. I'll know if it's done or not."
|Protecting his family. In only his socks.|
New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. This story originally appeared on March 7, 2011:
I've been out of the country for the better part of a year, so maybe my view on this matter is skewed. Has this weird phenomena caught on in the United States? Are they replacing all liquid soap in public restrooms with either foam or mist spray? I'm just going to come right out and say that I hate spray soap. Is this a new thing? I push the button and if anything comes out it's a mist. What happened to the gelatinous soap of my childhood? The kind that makes a nice soapy lather that gives the illusion of cleanliness after a dirty bathroom experience and perhaps a day filled with dirty, germ-filled experiences?
And that leads to my next question. Mom, when did they invent liquid soap? Shortly after they invented color, perhaps? I don't remember life without it. I do remember thinking that bars of soap were disgusting in public bathrooms, and sharing that belief and a friend telling me the most poignant words I have ever heard:
"Soap is always clean."
In other words, rub it a little and get it movin', and you got yourself some perfectly good soap. I don't know the science here, but I have run with that for the last 18 years. These are just my opinions, folks. I would love to hear yours in the comments section.
And while we're on the subject of public restrooms, for your reading pleasure, a list! My list of preferences in a public bathroom: (in order of priority)
1. Toilet Paper
2. Lockable lock
4. Liquid Soap
5. And if not liquid soap, Bar Soap
6. And if not bar soap, Spray Mist Invisible Fake Soap
7. And if not spray mist invisible fake soap, Hand Sanitizer. But I hate Hand Sanitizer.
8. Flush Capability
9. And if so, Foot-kick ready flush
10. Privacy from lookie-loos
11. Privacy from heary-loos
12. A way to mask scent if necessary
13. Dry floor
14. No hair anywhere
15. A nice picture on the wall
16. Seat is firmly secured to the toilet
17. Proper inner-workings of toilet, illiminating the need for frantic basic plumbing
18. Towel to dry hands on
19. Exit door that pushes outward, not pulls inward for hands-free purposes
20. Sanitary napkin dispenser, preferably at the low low rate of 10 cents
21. Garbage can in stall
22. Helpful signs*
23. Toilet seat liner (but you're only going to find this in California and/or the Minneapolis airport.)
24. Good lighting in mirror for zit pinching
25. Mirrors at angle for weight loss illusion
26. A planter with bamboo of some sort
27. Stones in bottom of sink
28. New age and/or relaxing music playing
29. Basket of mints
30. Hand lotion
31. Hairspray available
32. Individual non-disposable towels
33. A woman to hand you individual non-disposable towel
34. Heated toilet seats*
35. Princess sound maker*
*Added to list since visiting Japan, the heavenly headquarters of the world's best bathrooms.
...Yet again I didn't get the whole thing on video. I don't want her to know I'm recording because I don't want to compromise the hilarity, you know, so instead I fumble with technology and end up with half a story. But here she is, telling about the time at the grocery store when she inadvertently shopped from another customer's cart, thinking it was one of those sale item carts. Also starring Butch and Sandie, the neighbors here in Roosevelt.
When I wrote about silly pants in India I got a comment from a favorite reader and loyal friend whom I love to death. She said she thought they were really cute, so Summer and I bought her a pair for a little souvenir from our trip. You may recognize them from the post I did about the Creepy Starers on the train, pictured below on the left. Turns out they're not only a dual purpose skirt/pants, they also make great Creepy Starer protection!
Well, she loved them! And we loved her Thank You email. I got her permission to copy it in its entirety for your reading pleasure:
Hi Kady & Summer...
I received my silly pants today!! Thank you so much!! I was so hoping you guys would send me a pair. I went out to get the mail and when I saw the package was from you two, I said, "oh, pleaaasssseee let it be silly pants"..I really did. I was so excited and I tore open the package and then I said, "yeah, silly pants". I was on my way to the Dr. and I didn't have time to try them on. But, tonight..I put them on and here's how it went.
I had on a turquoise sweater, so they didn't match color wise or material-wise. My sweater looked too warm with them. When I first put them on, I went to my full length mirror to look at the fit, and I swear, it looked like I had this huge penis hanging down. With a raised eyebrow and a "huh?" I tucked the fabric back and then I turned around and looked in the mirror at my rear. It looked like an elephant butt with huge testicles hanging at the back of my knees. I said, "oh, these are silly pants. They sure didn't fit Summer & Kady like this in their pictures." I thought, I really probably won't ever wear these.Then something magical happened. I removed my sweater and put on a soft sports bra that I sleep in as pajamas. I turned around and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I caught my own attention and I said, "WHAT?"...I actually looked pretty sexy and really hot. And when you look sexy, what do you do? You start dancing and posing. So, I was doing the, Look Like An Egyptian Dance...I started posing in all different figurations. And then I thought...I should put on some really high heals and pose in these Egyptian poses and take some photos and send to the girls. I want them to know how much fun I'm having in these silly pants and how much I appreciate them and how ridiculously sexy I look. Anyway, then I said, "yeah, but if I do, they probably will do some 'clogging' about it and post these photos on 'that way tube thing'. So, I decided to brush my teeth and while I was doing so, I continued to dance like an Egyptian and like Jeannie in I Dream Of Jeannie, all in front of the mirror. It was then I also remembered that the silly pants were from India and not Egypt. It was also at that time that I decided I WOULD wear these silly pants. Where, you ask? I'm not sure. But be assured, I will rock them!
Love you guys,
The moral of the story? COMMENT ON MY BLOG. THERE MAY BE BLING IN IT FOR YOU.
*not her real name.
I love living with my parents SO much. Here is an example of the types of loving, nurturing, tender conversation I'll miss the most:
Dianne: "Gol dang it Hal! Now I gotta rewind this."
Hal: "Have another glass of wine, Dianne."
Dianne: "I don't need a glass of wine! I need to hear my show!"
Hal: "Oh sure, whenever I want to say something..."
Dianne: "KEEP TAAAALKIN'!" (rewinds The Bachelor)
|Rented. All but the coffee.|
|This is like 50 pounds of snow.|
Both Summer and I slept about 15 hours for four days in a row when we first got to Nepal. However I was the first to get up and get going in the afternoon. Which made me better than her, and less lazy of course. So when the breakfast waiter asked me where she was, and I replied that she was "still sleeping", I loved his reply to me, (who had just woken up at 1pm):
"Your friend sleep? Very long time."
|Sadly, this is the only photo I got of Summer sleeping. So lazy!|
Traveling through India as women hardened both Summer and me into almost unrecognizably mean versions of ourselves.
Summer even punched a man.
After leaving India, our new and more horrible selves traveled through Nepal. On two separate occasions, while innocently window shopping on the streets of Kathmandu, out of the blue I was sidled up to from behind by a gross dirty stinky man hissing in my ear, "You want some hash?" and both times, I jumped right out of my skin, as if they had hissed "BOO!" (It didn't help that he said it in Gollum's voice.)
|"You want some hash?"|
I decided if it ever happened again and if I had the frame of mind to do it, I was going to punch the next guy. Why in the heck would you scarily approach a woman from behind and hiss into her ear? I was going to take it upon myself to teach the lessons of decency to the gross dirty stinky men of the world. Ladies like Kady Hexum do not appreciate being approached in that way, nor would they be buying any HASH "from the likes of YOU, Thank-You-Very-Much."
Well, it happened a third time. And I was prepared for it. I steeled myself, spun around, and wound up to flatten him. What I saw in his hand stopped me instantly. And in that millisecond, my mind replayed what he really had said:
|This torii gate at high tide appears to float on the water.|
I was traveling with a couple of dudes from Australia, and we decided to meet at the island and hike up Mt. Misen. It's only a couple kilometers up and back down, but the guidebooks said it takes four hours to do it round trip. We decided we didn't have enough time before dark and so we took the cable car most of the way up, hiked to the summit and then RAN back down.
|View from the rope way. (Cable Car.)|
|As if I hadn't just ridden the cable car 80% of the way up.|
We had some serious snow last night and after my dad got it all plowed up an unidentified animal trotted up our driveway, peed, pooped twice and dropped little bits of blood everywhere and then ran behind the garage and into the woods.
This is like Christmas for my dad. What kind of an animal was it? What did it eat last? Why was it bleeding? Where was it going? We walked up the driveway to inspect the poop and get some questions answered. I told you he's always digging in animal poop!
Tomorrow those gloves will probably be hugging me. Ew!!
|See the little dots of blood? I suggested maybe it was a girl animal during it's embarrassing time.|
|You have to smell it to see what kind of animal it was. Duh.|
|"Can't I do anything without you taking pictures?"|
The verdict? Probably a coyote. There was deer hair in the poop, which was a good clue. Also he said it smelled just like coyote poop.
|Do you feel sorry for all these people I force to take my photo?|
I had romantic visions of riding bicycle on my entire trip through Eastern Europe, Sri Lanka, and India. And why shouldn't I? I became quite the hipster cyclist wannabe last summer in Minneapolis.
Well, it didn't quite work out that way and I only ended up going for one sad little hour-long ride in Nepal. One ride in almost five months. Pathetic! So in Kyoto, Japan when I saw a flyer in the hostel lobby for $2 off the $8 daily rate I agreed to it in my mind before I even considered the weather. Or the walking distance from my hostel to the rental shop. Who cared? I had nothing else to do.
Ooh I froze. Well, I had no socks. Or rather, I refused to wear the sneakers which had become attached to my feet in India and Nepal with their human feces-exteriors. I was determined to try to look a tiny bit cuter in Japan. No sneakers meant either flip flops or ballet flats, which could not EVER be worn with anything but the tiny little socks you wear inside to keep your feet from stinking.
|Yah. Sneakers would have totally ruined this look.|
Aside from the freezing weather, I had a blast and saw lots of Kyoto's sights. I went to my first Starbucks since leaving the US and saw the man with the extreme combover picking his nose. I went to the Imperial Palace but couldn't tour it because I didn't have a reservation. But that was OK because I rode all around their gorgeous gardens and I saw a man having a picnic with his cat and that made my day.
Then I rode up to the Kinkaju-Ji (the Golden Pavilion) and at a stoplight on the way met a handsome American on a bicycle who asked if I was on vacation. When I said yes, he said he lived here and then rode off. Well la-di-da.
Ooh my feet were cold. I stopped in a few gift shops on the way looking for socks. I was cold enough not to care anymore about socks inside ballet flats. Every pair was Hello Kitty and $10. Highway robbery!
The Kinkaju-Ji was fantastic. Absolutely gorgeous. I hung out there forever and imagined myself walking around in there in wooden shoes and a kimono 500 years ago.
After that I rode down to another pagoda and the TV tower and another temple and in the end I think I rode for a total of five hours. It was weird, because it took me about an hour to figure out that Kyoto drivers do not want bikes on the road. You're supposed to ride on the sidewalk! Totally illegal in Minnesota. But, when in Rome...