en Espanol

You know how when you call any customer service line in the world and they say if you wanna hear it in Spanish you better press option two? But they say it in Spanish say they go "oh, prima dos?"

At least that is what I was certain they were saying "OH you know whatever you want, press two"

I am so dumb. OPRIMA is the verb for "press" --- I learned this from a Colombian elevator and Google translate.

Elevators

Keri and I were in the elevator at the Duluth Radisson on a recent trip up north. We shared it with a very pregnant woman.

"Do you know where the pool is?" I asked.

"No." she said.

"Well, you better find out", I said, "you're about to be a mom."

She looked at me like UM...WHAT and then said, "I'm already a mom, I have two kids."

And then I was like, "So...where's the pool?"

TA DA!!!!!

I didn't mean anything by it, SHEESH.

I'm a Rebel Dottie, A Loner

They're doing some work on my building...and this dear folks, is the most rebellious thing I have ever done in my life:

Elevators

In my office tower, I have deduced that there must be some kind of old people eye doctor on the third floor. This makes for lots of awkward elevator conversations. (Remember when I worked in the same building as that hair restoration company?)

So how do I know about this old people eye clinic on third floor? My main clue is the droves of old people getting on the elevator and taking their sweet sweet time to locate and then push the number 3. The second clue is that when they go back down the elevator they always have an eye patch on. Anyway, remember I'm always late, so I can't tolerate this inability to locate the number 3 in a series of numbers from L-14. This drives me to near insanity. I've taken to just pushing it for them in most cases and then they look at me like, "are you some kind of a magician?" "how'd you know?" and then I'm like, "I'M IN MENSA." 

Yesterday a little old lady was on the elevator already when I ran for the door and barely made it on. She was staring at the numbers and so I pushed 10 for me and 3 for her. She looked at me SO CONFUSED and she said, "I couldn't see the numbers" (um...how the HECK did she DRIVE to my building then???) and so I said,

"Maybe you should tell that to the eye doctor."

Elevators, Again

These are the elevators in the P2 parking level of my building. As you can see the flooring has a repeating pattern of "granite-carpet-granite-carpet".

The other day I came into the building to hear the elevator ding and so I began to run so that I could catch it. I came around that corner and my boots must still have been a little bit wet from the snow and so I SLIPPED! on the granite, but caught myself on the carpet before I fell down and also before the attractive business-y type man who was getting onto the elevator saw me. I slowed my pace but still briskly walked toward the elevator so he wouldn't have to wait long.

And then I SLIPPED! again on the next set of granite. This time I let out a loud "WHOOP!" and now the attracitve business-y type man saw everything and I still didn't fall down but it was a whole body slip and a loud "WHOOP!" so naturally I was very embarrassed.

And so.

I spent the entire 10-floor ride up the elevator explaining loudly and out-of-breath-style that I had "ALREADY SLIPPED BUT YOU DIDN'T SEE ME AAHAHAHAHAHA I THOUGHT I GOT AWAY WITH IT AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA AND THEN I SLIPPED AGAIN!!! HAHA!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA"

More Elevators

What? You haven't had enough of the tales of me acting a fool in the elevator?

Well:

A few weeks ago, I was riding back up to my office after lunch when a man got in after me. He was holding a stack of seven pizzas. There was already another man in the elevator with HIS lunch, a styrofoam container in a plastic bag, and a bunch of other people without any food, like me. I said to the group:

"Oh Man if this elevator gets stuck it's gonna get crazy in here." And then I dug in my purse to find my keys and put them in my hand, you know like how they tell you to do when you're walking alone at night so you can fend off rapists and muggers:

Re-enactment

And then I lowered myself into this offensive "every-man-for-himself-elevator's-stuck-I'll-kill-you-for-that-pizza" stance right here:

It's not always a Victoria's Secret fashion show at my place, you know.

Elevator PUNCH!

As some of you know, I have a hard time being "normal" when I ride in elevators.

Today, a co-worker and I were playing the "mock-race-to-the-elevator-so-you-can-quick-shut-the-door-on-the-other-person-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha" game but he made it first and so when I got to the doors and they opened he was right there and I was right behind him and I bumped into him and we fell into the elevator.

Well. There were already two people in there. (Attractive business-y type men, of course).

I hadn't put my coat on yet. I started to put it on and when I put my arm through the sleeve I pretended to surprise "arm-through-coat-sleeve-PUNCH!" in the face the attractive business-y man standing nearest to me.

He mustered up a slight smile and then I yelled "HILARIOUS!"

A real Barrel O'Laughs, Me

Just Exactly HOW Do Normal People Ride Elevators?

Last night after work I got into the elevator to find three young handsome men including a bearded redhead -- and you know I'm a total sucker for beards and for redheads. They were in the middle of a conversation but that didn't stop me from stepping right in the middle of all three of them, while maintaining eye contact with the redhead and declaring,

"OOOH! I LIKE MY CHANCES!"

And then acknowledging the awkwardness of making that joke right upon entering the elevator, not considering the time required to make a 10-floor descent, I turned back to the door and declared again,

"I SHOULD HAVE MADE THAT JOKE A LITTLE LATER IN THE ELEVATOR RIDE. HEH HEH HAHEHAHDHADHEHDHHAHHAHAHA. AWKWARD. HAHAHAHAah!!!!!"

They looked at me, confused and the redhead continued speaking, presumably where they had left off before I broke their conversation. '...and then I talked to Rosalind about it...'

And then I interrupted again, mock-angrily-crazy-eyesed, (you know, like a jealous hag over the '10-second relationship' I had just pretend garnered with the bearded red-headed cute one), cocking my head and positioning my arms across my chest:

"OH. ROSALIND. YOUR GIRLFRIEND."

"No. She's my manager." By now they realized I wasn't going to let them have their conversation and that clearly I wanted all of the attention on me. They gave me a slight pity laugh (because come on, that jealous bit was FUNNY) and then mercifully the elevator doors opened and THEN I said,

"I'M GONNA GET OUT OF HERE REALLY FAST BECAUSE I'M EMBARRASSED."

I went left when I should have went right, and then I figured it out and had to turn around and walk past them again and then I walked really really fast out of the building, with the three handsome men following me all of the way out.

WHY can't I be more like her?

Elevated

Have you ever been so shocked by something that you aren't speechless, per se, but instead without thinking at all you utter something really stupid?

Like the one time at work when I was alone on the elevator. When I arrived at first floor, the doors opened and I was face-to-chest with the most beautiful man I had ever looked up and laid eyes on. I was so dumbfounded as our eyes locked on one another other that my dry mouth could only faintly utter one word:

"Tall."

In a google image search for this post, I entered 'Don Draper elevator' (naturally) and after finding millions of very handsome yet disappointingly non-elevator images of Don Draper, continued on to find this hilarious yet unrelated video. It gave me a case of the LOLs. Enjoy:

Shut Up, Elevator Worker Man

For the past three months, we have been undergoing "Elevator Modernization" at my office building. Which basically means they are finally fixing the deathtrap that was our elevator situation.

Anyway, there are guys and they ride on top of the elevators and they hang out in it while it's suspended between two floors and they sit in front of it and tinker and so of course I chat with them as I'm waiting for the working elevator to arrive.

A couple weeks ago, I had to go do some embarrassing things in the bathroom. At work, if nature starts knocking on my backdoor, I always go to another floor, you know, so nobody knows me or my shoes. I took the stairs to the floor beneath my own. As I walked by my elevator repairman friend (to go in the bathroom he was stationed directly in front of), he said, "Aren't you on the wrong floor?"

Yah.  Duh.  Shut UP.

DANGER. CAUTION. Elevator Repairman's about to bust you out.

*I realized I have a few embarrassing elevator stories on the blog and here they all are for you, under a new label I like to call: 'elevators'.

Jokes I Think of Too Late

I really wish I could go back in time sometimes and say a really funny thing after that other thing happened.

Like that time when I got stuck in the elevator at work.

Don't you think it would have been hilarious if I had stripped down to my tank top, strewn all my stuff all over the elevator, messed my hair all up, and was in squatting position, eating my sauerkraut with my hand when the doors opened and my whole office was standing outside?  I could have talked to them in the made-up grunt language I was forced to use because I had no one to talk to for so long stuck in that elevator.


"Tay inna wiiiiih"

I actually HOPE I get stuck again.  I won't screw up such a choice opportunity a second time.

Things I Don't Like

1. Realizing that I hadn't gone to the bathroom at all at work today - not even once - until leaving work at 8:30pm.

2. Taking the stairs late at night because of a very rational and normal fear of the elevator. Refer to an earlier post regarding rational fear of elevator by clicking HERE.

A Harrowing Experience

This morning, late as usual, I pulled into the office parking lot. A woman was behind me coming into the building, but not close enough behind me for me to wait and hold the door. We have two sets of doors to enter at our building. So I tried to kind of hurry so that I wouldn't be in the uncomfortable position of having to stand and wait while she realized I was standing and waiting and then have to run to catch up to me, just so I could pat myself on the back for being polite.
**Yesterday I was the girl who had to run to catch up because some guy 20 yards ahead decided to hold the door. It's just uncomfortable anyway you slice it.**
So anyway, I kind of hurried up to get to the second door too, and didn't hold it either, but it was OK because she was way too far behind. But then she started to catch up, and so when I got to the elevators I was annoyed because I knew that now I would really have to wait for her. Both elevators were waiting on 1st floor. So I ran in one, hit the 4 button a hundred times rapidly and crossed my fingers that she wouldn't jump in the elevator at the last minute.
She didn't!
I made it alone!
No awkward conversations, no me explaining why I didn't hold any doors and no laughing nervously, while she, probably annoyed too, wouldn't respond or even crack a smile.

So anyways, I felt the elevator reach my floor, and you know an elevator will raise up, settle, ding and then dip? It never dinged! It never dipped! I was hanging in that suspended spot before the ding and the dip. I got stuck in the elevator. Surely somebody was punishing me for being so greedy and impolite. I immediately called the front desk at my office and told Barb that I was stuck in the elevator, and added for drama, "I'm scared". The elevator felt really weird, hanging in space, it felt bouncy and not stable at all. Suddenly I realized what a tiny room an elevator is and I started to get claustrophobic.

I was in the "safe" elevator. Our building has two, and in the past somebody had to use their umbrella to get themself out of that elevator. One time some kind of piston exploded and sent tons of oil into the lobby of our building, causing the tiles and carpet to be replaced. It was out of commission for about a month. So I have to say I wasn't really surprised to realize I was stuck, I was just surprised that it was in the good elevator.

I looked around and decided I was going to have to get comfortable. I took my coat off. I took inventory. Coffee. Check. Phone. Check. Mace. Check. Super Awesome Lunch. Check. (About 2 pounds of sauer kraut and polish sausage from Kramarcek's). So I knew I would be OK if this turned out to be an all day thing. But I still felt panic in my stomach. What if the elevator dropped 4 flights? Would that hurt? Would I break my ankles? Would I die? So I texted some people and tried to stay "haha" about it. People started to crowd around in the hallway, and they were talking to me through the door. Brad from my office tried to pry the doors open and I guess he got it open like and inch on the outside. I tried to pry them open from the inside, but of course didn't get that far.

I was irritated because I was 20 minutes past my usual half-hour late point. (Do the math, 50 minutes late.) I was hoping to slink past my boss' office. And now here I am, busted, and I can hear her outside the door, talking to me. Oh well. I yelled to her "CALL MY MOTHER! TELL HER I LOVE HER!" Later I screamed, "I'M LOSING HOPE!"

The whole experience lasted about 15 minutes. Then suddenly the doors opened! My entire office was standing in the hallway cheering. The funny thing was, I'm standing IN THE ELEVATOR talking to everybody, and they're like "GET OUT OF THE ELEVATOR!!!"

I still have some butterflies in my stomach. SCARY.

Highland Bank

A little known fact about the building that I work in:

There is a hair-restoration place on 5th floor. Urban legend has it that there is a private entrance for local celebrities to get their hair plugs put in incognito. I work on the 4th floor. Frequently I see men in the elevator, coming down from 5th floor in baseball caps. I try not to make eye contact, because I'm sure it's a sensitive deal. Kind of like when I used to go to my therapy sessions for my MENTAL HEALTH and I didn't want anybody looking at me in the elevator. So, as you can see I am a very compassionate individual.

WELL, today there was a dude who got off on 4th floor, as I was getting into the elevator. He walked around a bit and looked confused and so I asked him if he was looking for Advisors Mortgage. He said no, he was looking to leave the building. So I laughed and explained that we have the slowest elevator in the world and though he may have thought he just went down four floors and was on "one", he had actually only gone down one floor and was now on "four". He played along and laughed with me and then nervously said, "I JUST GOT AN EYEBROW PUT ON". So I looked right at his eyebrow and there was a huge scar so I say, "OH NO, DID YOU HURT YOURSELF?" And then he says, "NO IT'S A CHILDHOOD THING." And then I say, "WELL IT LOOKS REALLY NICE."

I wish I could type the sound of nervous laughter on both our parts.

Elevators

This morning, I got in the elevator, and the guy ahead of me said, "What floor?" And so I said, "4". So he punched 4 and 5. So he must have been going to 5.

But I have this thing where I hate the silence in the elevator and so I continued talking. I said, "And 2, and 3." Because it's supposed to be funny, because I noticed that he was on 5. And I always hate it when people punch in 2 or 3 because those people should just walk up the stairs and also because since I'm on 4, I want to be the first stop. So I assumed he would be annoyed that I said 4, and then I wanted to let him know I felt his pain. So then the elevator was slowing down to stop at 4, and so I go, "Have a good daaaaaaaaaaaa-y" (singing opera) and then the elevator took about 10 more seconds to open, and then I said, "I said that too soon!"

I wish I could just ride the elevator in silence like everybody else in the whole world.