Monday, December 30, 2013

2013: The Year in Review

It's that time again, Folks! You know. Where I brag about stuff I did all year. (Remember 20102011, and 2012?)

January 1, 2013

Well this year started off pretty weird. I mean, Summer and I woke up in Agra, India on January 1st after visiting the Taj Majal for crying out loud, but then that very same day I ended up sending a little kid to jail.

The next day we went to Veranasi and took a lovely boat ride along the Ganges and saw the funeral pyres you've heard so much about...

...and then we walked to Nepal...

...then Summer flew to Paris and I flew to Japan where I saw some real live Geishas...

...and went snowboarding at Nagano...

...and then I came home again and spent some quality time with my parents...

...went to Puerto Rico where I faced a great big giant fear and got certified in SCUBA...

...and for the first time in over three years, I wasn't homeless anymore.

I moved into an apartment directly across from one of my best buds Laurissa. And then Minneapolis had a freak snow storm on April 19th, and she and I jumped on the city-wide bandwagon and made barefooted snow angels. Hers only had one arm, because martini.

...I learned how to curl...

...which in turn gave me the sweetest profile picture ever, I must say...

...after that a Pizza Man totaled my car and ruined my back for life.

...on the upside I became the proud if only temporary owner of this lovely old 1987 Dodge Dakota pickup truck which I lovingly called Ol' Blue:

Fancy Lady

Some other events of 2013: dad and I went Lady's Slipper hunting again...
...Summer and I roadtripped down to Kansas City...
...Hanna inadvertently made me a tampon holder...
...I faced a great big giant fear and crossed a great big giant thing off my to-do list and now I'm hiding it here in this list so as not to draw too much attention...
...the girls and I went on our Annual Girls' Weekend...
...went to my first Habesha wedding (oops I forgot to wear white):

So, what was your favorite post of 2013?

Mine? I can't pick just one! Here are my three favorite posts of 2013:

  1. Chanel Ad? Or...
  2. The most hilarious thing that pretty much ever happened to me.
  3. Kim Jong Hal

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Hal-isms, Vol. 48

"Vegans can't shoot animals? I thought they just couldn't eat 'em."

"You don't know the nice poles I got out in the garage."

"I'm working on my colorectal cancer. The doctor said eat carrots and so I had one today and I'll have another one next week."

"To hell with all of yous. Except Kady."

"Why do my ribs hurt so bad? Am I overweight?"

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Inside Family Jokes You Probably Won't Find Very Funny

We're sitting around playing games from about 4pm. 3 hands in it was 6:30pm...

Hal, to no one to my mom: "...are we going to have a light lunch?"

Why it's funny:
  • My dad is always wondering "where is dinner?"
  • Nobody was starving.
  • Apparently my mom was just supposed to get up and start making dinner in the middle of our game.
  • "Light Lunch." At 6:30pm?
  • Hal had just been snacking on Kit Kats and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
  • Where is my DINNER, WOMAN???

Pete and I about died.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Hal-isms, Vol. 47

"I'm not saying you're right. I'm just saying everything you said is true."

"What's this information? We've been reading this for years on"

"You ask me to tell you I love you, so I do. But it's not true."
*[yes it is.]

"Play your ace or burn in hell."

"Kady. I love you. I love you more every day."

Monday, December 23, 2013

Shash-age Links

This poor lady science reporter gets troll-mail all the time. Watch her read it. Sad.

This amazing dad made his kid a prosthetic hand for like ten bucks.

This is really cute. Remember ladies, people are also watching you scream at your kids in Target. So pretend a little harder maybe?

I am joining a choir right now. You never know when you'll be needed. for a surprise Nelson Mandela flash mob tribute. This made me cry.

Ever wonder where your old clothes go? Sometimes they go to Africa. Some people used the internet to find a T-shirt's former owner. Twenty years later.

I wonder if anybody will ever love me like this.

I am 100% certain that nobody will ever love me like this.

Have you gotten your Kady-isms fix today?

Well, I mean, I've never had athletes foot, so...I can corroborate these findings.

 This will always crack me up until the day that I die:

Friday, December 20, 2013

Peach-faced Parrot

A little seriousness for ya. The following is an excerpt from a letter that John Steinbeck wrote to his friend the politician Adlai Stevenson. It's a commentary about the state of the United States, only he wrote it in 1959. Me thinks he'd be rolling in his grave if he were alive today.
Adlai, do you remember two kinds of Christmases? There is one kind in a house where there is little and a present represents not only love but sacrifice. The one single package is opened with a kind of slow wonder, almost reverence. Once I gave my youngest boy, who loves all living things, a dwarf, peach-faced parrot for Christmas. He removed the paper and then retreated a little shyly and looked at the little bird for a long time. And finally he said in a whisper, "Now who would have ever thought that I would have a peach-faced parrot?" 
Then there is the other kind of Christmas with presents piled high, the gifts of guilty parents as bribes because they have nothing else to give. The wrappings are ripped off and the presents thrown down and at the end the child says—"Is that all?" Well, it seems to me that America now is like that second kind of Christmas. Having too many THINGS they spend their hours and money on the couch searching for a soul. A strange species we are. We can stand anything God and nature can throw at us save only plenty. If I wanted to destroy a nation, I would give it too much and would have it on its knees, miserable, greedy and sick. And then I think of our "Daily" in Somerset, who served your lunch. She made a teddy bear with her own hands for our grandchild. Made it out of an old bath towel dyed brown and it is beautiful. She said, "Sometimes when I have a bit of rabbit fur, they come out lovelier." Now there is a present. 
If I have kids, and I'm sure I totally will since I'm 36-years-old with no glimmer of hope for a boyfriend any time soon! they are going to be like tiny little slaves, cleaning and scrubbing and polishing and clipping my toenails and so when I give them a morsel of bread they'll say, "thank you Mommy dearest! thank you!"

You think I'm kidding.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

What's the Opposite of a Pet Peeve?

What's the opposite of a Pet Peeve? You know, when you see something you really like? What's that called?

I don't know what it's called. But here's something that I like. I like it when I see women in hijab with their cell phones shoved in there so they can talk "hands free":
I like it a lot.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Monday, December 16, 2013

Shash-age Links

HAHA Glamour Shots. (Thanks, Chris.)

I love the Onion. Oh man I love the Onion so much. Here are two articles that cracked me up enough this week to actually share them on my Facebook wall.

I wonder if anybody will ever love me like this.

Haha this guy totally fake-interpreted Nelson Mandela's funeral. I am very sorry for any deaf people who tried to watch the service and couldn't understand, but it's SO funny how when you watch him, he's totally using the same five signs the entire time. Even I can see that. It's so hilarious to me. And his straight face! And now he's saying he's schizophrenic and had an episode on stage? And not it's being reported that he was involved in a mob killing of a man who stole a television? It's too much.

I love reading articles from people who have done long term travel. Ditto to this guy's list of things he learned while traveling.

I'm really proud of  my CRAZY nephew Miles. He's going to jump in a frozen lake on January 25th to support his brother Murphy and the Special Olympics! Click here to donate.


Saturday, December 14, 2013


Hanna found this story in her room when she was cleaning the other day. She wrote it when she was little. I've done my best to type out her exact story, including all the [sic] moments.

The title of the story is "THE STORY OF THE FANTASTIC RACCOON"


Once upon a time there wass a chair named Ralph. He loved it when people sat on him and farted. The person who farted on him the most was his owner Franchesco! Franchesco was rich with gold. He loved to play violin but he stunk at it. He had a beard that riched the floor. His favorite food to eat was boiled saurkraut and ketchup. He had a pet parrot name ALphredo. Alphredo would sit on the back of Ralph the Chair and poop. Ralph liked farta, not poop, so he decided to kill Alphredo. All he needed was a fabulous plan. T O days later he still didn't kn0w his plan. 1 day latter he found his plan. 

His owner Franchesco took a walk every Friday afternoon. While he was gone Ralph would give Alphredo some crackers filled with sleeping pills. After he fell asleep Ralph would put him in the doll bath with a bottle of shampoo on his head. It would look like the bottle hit him in the head and knocjed him out, causing him to slip under the water and drown. It was a genius plan! It was Thursday today! He only had that night to prepare. He waited till everyone else was asleep. Then he snuck into the kitchen and stole Alphredo;s crackers. He got the sleeping pills out of the medicine closet. He carefully crushed the pill and covered the crackers with them. He put everything back where it was before. He went back to his room and fell asleep.

The next day Ralph was so nervous he coulen;t talk right. When Franchesco sat on him to fart Ralph was sh king so hard the fart sounded like brer-er-er-er-er. Franchesco was so embarressed by the sound of his fart that he didn't sit on Ralph again to fart the whole rest of the day. 

Once Franchesco left for his walk he beagan his plan. Alphredo flew over and landed on Ralph's head. He poop a horribly large green bird turd right between poor Ralph's eyes. Ralph was so mad. Polly want a cracker" he cackled. He walked to the kitchen with Alphredo on his back, singing a horrible song the whole way. Ralph hatee it when Alphredo sang. He was a terrible singer. He took the crackers down from the shelf. He took the sleeping pill cracker out of the box and gave it to Alphrdo Alphrdotook it and ate it with one bite. "Ha ha ha", said Ralph. Soon enh enough the parot fell asleep. Now for the rest of the plan, Ralph said. He took the parot to the bathroom and set him on the counter while he filled the bath. When it was full he took the parot and put him in the bath. "Now for the bottle", he said. He went to the cabinet and pulled out a bottle. He didn;t have any fingers so he dropped it right away. "oops", he said. He went to pick it up again but it slipped out of his legs and fell on the floor. When it hit the floor the cap broke and fell off. Shampoo oozed all o ver the outside of the bottle. Ralph decided to cleab it off later. He tried to pick up the bottle again but it was so slippery that it slipped out of his legs again and flew through the air, leaving a trail of soap wherever it flew. The bottle crashed into the mirror, smashing it and sending little shards of glass all over the bathroom. Now Ralph was mad. He chased after the bottle screaming and swearing, smashing up the whole house. He speant so much time chasing the bottle and was being so loud thzt Alphredo woke up. "Hmmmmm", he thought, I must have fallen asleep, but I don't remember trying to take a bath." He went off to find Ralph. He was shocked the whole house was shashed up. And there was Ralph, laying on the broken couch staring at a shampoo bottle. He was crying! When Ralph saw Alphredo he screamed and picked up a knife off the table. Alphredo backed up against the door just then the door opened and Franchesco walked in, just as Ralph threw the knife with all jis might at Alphredo. Alphredo saw the knife and ducked, but Franchesco didn't see it. The knife flew through the air, and then it stopped. It stopped lodged in the heart of Franchesco. He died instantly, falling to the ground beforeRalph evennknew he had even come home. There was an instant of silence, then there was a blood curdling scream from Ralph. He ran across the room and flung himself at Franchesco, skreming "Oh i'v killd himm" Alphredo stared at him. Alphredo was a very good parot He thought that everybody was a good person. He was moved by Ralph's crying. "Oh you poor thing", he sobbed "what happened?" Ralph was shocked out of his crying fit. "I , uh, well, there was, ya see, um. Sudde

And that's where it ends.

Hanna, performing child slave labor by cleaning the tub because her old Auntie's back hurts.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Book Review

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.
by Jonathan Safran Foer


That pretty much sums it up.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

More Elevators

What? You haven't had enough of the tales of me acting a fool in the elevator?


A few weeks ago, I was riding back up to my office after lunch when a man got in after me. He was holding a stack of seven pizzas. There was already another man in the elevator with HIS lunch, a styrofoam container in a plastic bag, and a bunch of other people without any food, like me. I said to the group:

"Oh Man if this elevator gets stuck it's gonna get crazy in here." And then I dug in my purse to find my keys and put them in my hand, you know like how they tell you to do when you're walking alone at night so you can fend off rapists and muggers:


And then I lowered myself into this offensive "every-man-for-himself-elevator's-stuck-I'll-kill-you-for-that-pizza" stance right here:

It's not always a Victoria's Secret fashion show at my place, you know.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Elevator PUNCH!

As some of you know, I have a hard time being "normal" when I ride in elevators.
Today, a co-worker and I were playing the "mock-race-to-the-elevator-so-you-can-quick-shut-the-door-on-the-other-person-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha" game but he made it first and so when I got to the doors and they opened he was right there and I was right behind him and I bumped into him and we fell into the elevator.
Well. There were already two people in there. (Attractive business-y type men, of course).
I hadn't put my coat on yet. I started to put it on and when I put my arm through the sleeve I pretended to surprise "arm-through-coat-sleeve-PUNCH!" in the face the attractive business-y man standing nearest to me.
He mustered up a slight smile and then I yelled "HILARIOUS!"
A real Barrel O'Laughs, Me

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Sorry, For Real

The five of you may have noticed that I'm not posting as often as I used to.

There's a very good reason for that. I ran out of money and got a job. A real one. And all my brain seems to be capable of handling in the evening hours is back-to-back episodes of television. So, you know, sorry about that. It's really hard to come up with something interesting to say day after day when the only interesting thing that happened that day was that I forgot my lunch and had to go down to the cafeteria and spend $8.00 on a very boring salad and then I ate it at my desk.

Just remember, I have posted 1,656 times on this very website and you can click around and read old archived posts. There's a menu of topics on the right hand side of the page:

Might I suggest:

Some of my very favorite stories are housed under life up North.
Hal - Read about my ridiculously funny dad, including the hysterical run-in with prostate cancer a few years back. Or read all the crazy stuff he says at Hal-isms.
Hilarious - Just my opinion...
Embarrassed - (This happens a lot).
Kady Stupid - Well, I mean. I am.
And of course there is fartpooppee, and tampons but -- you know. Proceed at your own risk.

OR: You could go all the way back to the very beginning and read every single one!

Life will get interesting again soon, I hope.
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