Friday, August 30, 2013

Hal-isms, Vol. 42

"Kady. Why do you so selfishly only think of yourself?"

"You've always been my favorite. You were my favorite when KIM was born." (Kim is ten years older than me.)

"Oh sure, they'll spend it on whiskey and I'll sit in my crappy diapers."

"Oh my Gosh! It's past my bedtime: Ten-to-Nine."

Monday, August 26, 2013

Summer-isms, Vol. 58

"Should we lose a collective 80 pounds and try to get a sitcom deal or what?"

"It's not a stain. Yet."

"I know your body very well. Because I've studied it."

"Ex-husband gas station snack. Google THAT."

"I DID cook you an eel. I'm sorry I didn't get all the bones out."

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Sunday Favorites: The Korean Elementary School

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. This story originally appeared on June 4, 2010 when Summer and I visited a Korean Elementary School:

Our friend Shawn teaches English in the school system here, and we got to visit his classes today!  It was pretty fun, although I was disappointed to find out that I wasn't able to teach any kids to speak fluent English in just one day.  In fact, we were really only there to answer questions for about ten minutes at the end of each class period.  It was fun.  The questions depended on the level of English of the student and varied from:

"Do you wear your shoes inside the house?"
"Do you like kimchi?"

"How did you find the flight to Korea?"
"What do you do to cope with jet lag?"

Of course, "Are you rich?", "Are you married?", "How much money do you make?" were asked.  It was very adorable.  When I told the class that I had 5 brothers and sisters, there was a collective GASP! followed by hands over mouths.  I also told them Americans eat hamburgers and french fries all the time.  ha!  Spreading the stereotype.  You have to say what they know, I think.  And that's why when asked who my favorite American Music Artist was, I replied, "Lady Gaga". 

Cute little signs leading up the stairs at the school:


The students go to school on Saturday, and also most have nightschool at an Academy.  They are in school until midnight or even later, and work on homework after that.  It's a pretty brutal schedule, and my English-teaching friends here don't really know how effective it is.  Kids just don't have the attention span for it.  They test well in subjects like Math and Science, and do very well at memorization.  I think it's ridiculous.  Poor kids!

But so cute and polite.  They all take off their little shoes and change into tiny slipper-style shoes for class.

Friday, August 23, 2013

The Coolest Guy on the Planet

Who's the coolest guy on the planet? No contest. It's my Uncle Aaron
aka Hal's brother.  
aka Ross' dad. 

So his cholo fell apart? So what? Duct tape.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Fancy Lady Business Trip, Vol. 2

I've been in Green Bay, Wisconsin for the last week on a business trip. This week, I have:
  • Turned off the computer of the person I was training with my knee. While I was training them.
  • Left my hotel room key in the door overnight.
  • Left my car windows cracked at the way wrong end of the parking lot, only to wake up with a start at 5am to a torrential downpour.
  • Walked around a silent office with one squeaky shoe. *Squeak...squeak...squeak...
  • Dripped burger grease all over the front of my dress at lunch. Had to wash it with Dawn dish soap and spend the rest of the afternoon with a huge wet spot in my crotch.
  • Spent every evening holed up in my hotel room because I haven't had a television for three years and there's all kinds of channels up in here.
NOT TO MENTION I have been late every day because the darn Golden Girls is playing back-to-back in the mornings.

There has been a little time for some R-and-R, fortunately. I was able to visit the historic Lambeau Field and get myself some Packer-esque souvenirs (and supplies for the PreSeason game I'll be going to -- by myself -- on Friday):

Oh yes I'll be wearing that hat to the game.

Monday, August 19, 2013

The Big Storm

We had a really big storm in Minneapolis back in June. Hundreds of trees were uprooted by strong winds. They just tipped over. FEMA even declared it a disaster area. Fortunately for me, neither my apartment nor my house suffered any damage. However, many of my neighbors, some just the next block over had trees fall onto their houses. My across-the-street neighbor Laurissa and I went on a little tour of the surrounding blocks and took a few photos:
This poor guy had two trees land on his house.


Sunday, August 18, 2013

Sunday Favorites: Kady Dangerously

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. This story originally appeared on February 20, 2011 when I was living in Costa Rica:

So today I made plans to make brunch for George, a dude who has had Nicole and I for dinner no less than three times without a returned favor.  Since Nicole had other arrangements, my plan was to ride mybici-moto over to Tamarindo and on the way stop at the vegetable market in Villa Real for some supplies.  Well the stupid thing hasn't been running properly and it killed on me a few meters from my place.  So I decided that maybe I flooded it.  And then my new friend Dustin suggested taking out the spark plug and making sure it was clean and dry and then trying again but I didn't have that tool.  And then the gate guard dude told me in Spanish something I didn't quite get and then my friend Katie's boyfriend Jon told me to start it several times with no gas rolling to clean the gas out of the carburator and that didn't work either.  Stupid machine.  All I ask is a couple ten mile rides out of you and all I get is sputter. 

But I was desperate to get out of the apartment today and on down to Tamarindo.  SO I decided to take the bus, but at the last minute changed my mind, because the bus here is not really on a schedule and who knows when it comes?  I decided to hitchhike.  I've never ever ever hitchhiked in my life.  Seems like something I should scratch off my life's to-do list.  Facing another fear, perhaps.  Well, I decided I was in the right place for it.  People here do it all the time.  Grandmas.  Little kids.  It's how everybody gets around.  Why not me?  So I grabbed my crap and stood on the road with my thumb out, determined not to be afraid, to do it like the locals do.  I could be selective about what car I got into.  Right?  Ten cars passed.  Nothing.  It dawned on me that they were being selective.  Ha.

Finally, a car pulled over.  Filled with two shady sketch old dudes and one high weird young one.  I was hot and the sun was burning me, so I called George, walked around to the back of the car, read off the license plate to him for safety, and got in the car. 


My middle name.  I was feeling pretty good.  I would have patted myself on the back, except my patting hand was clenched around my wallet in a death-like grip, and my back was stuck to the cheap vinyl seat.


Now my job was to get these guys to like me so they wouldn't dream of hurting me, so I used my basic Spanish to find out all about them and their kids and blah blah blah.  Then we started stopping.  Miles from my destination.  I got scared.  'Why are we stopping?', I thought, and got ready to jump out and do the tuck and roll.  Suddently the guy next to me (the one with only four teeth) got out and paid the taxi driver.

That was when I realized I was in a taxi.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

More Like Mills Fleet FUN!

My friends and I stopped at a Mills Fleet Farm on a recent girls' weekend trip, because, obviously. There was shopping to be done. I still needed some dark denim Wrangler farm girl jeans and some Cowboy boots. Because, obviously.

I tried on some other shoes, too:

I posted that picture on Facebook, because, obviously. Ten minutes later, I received a text from my little sister Kasey. She had apparently also just paid a visit to the old Fleet Farm:

Like a couple of freaking twins separated at birth who get reunited and show up to meet each other for the first time in the same freaking dress.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Good Night, Moon

On a recent trip to Kansas City, Summer suggested that I stop mooning people.

Only, I never really moon people. At least not the full moon. I like to go more for just an "inch of butt crack".

Exhibit A:

I pulled that trick out when hanging with some new friends. Everybody loved it! (In my mind). Except Summer. She was more...horrified. I really couldn't figure out why, since this is basically my best trick and she's seen it a million. It wasn't until the next day when she informed me that what I thought was an "inch of butt crack" was more like "my entire butt".

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Hal-isms, Vol. 41

"I can't take jokes that don't make any sense and are prerogative and racist."

"I live in a world where there are Tawny Harshas stuffing animals. Not where you take a picture and put it on the Eiffel Tower. Is that so wrong? I guess you'd call it a dream world."

"I'll just hold on to my memories."

"You and I could buy a $10 bill for five dollars. And when we go to sell it it'd be three dollars."

"Oh. You 'love' me. Thats great. I'll put that right in the bank. And when the Doctor asks me how I'm doing, I'll tell him my daughter 'loves' me."

Deer in headlights. Now you know how THEY feel, Dad.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Pure Poetry.

My brother sent me this text tonight -- a photo of a poem I wrote to him when I was younger:

If you can't read it, here's a transcript:


My love for you Pete
stretches from here to Crete
it will outlast time
and unlike a mime
it proclaims loud and clear
that I hold you so dear
your picture I hold close to my heart
even though in the past in my face you would fart
hold me down on the floor
from your butt the juice would pour
I could not withstand
the force of your hands
holding me down
in your stench I would drown
the air would turn grey
but...I love you anyway

How do we know Jeffrey Dahmer was a careless smoker?
He left BUTTS behind the couch.*

*#1: The Jeffrey Dahmer reference dates this poem to approximately 1992, or me at 15. #2: I'm so sorry. That joke is terribly insensitive and I would slap my 15-year-old self up if I had a time machine. Who am I kidding? If I had a time machine I would slap my 15-year-old self up for perming my short hair:

My apologies to the victims' families.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Summer-isms, Vol. 57

"We should put on lipstick. In case there's a man."

"I shushed myself. You need to recognize."

"It was real embarrassing for my mom at the Pizza Inn."

"I got so excited because I thought I didn't drink for two days."

"I STOLE from goodwill cuz I never assumed anyone was going to buy me anything."

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Sunday Favorites: It's Raining Men!

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. This story originally appeared on August 23, 2010 when I was bar tending at a lodge up North: 


I've never felt so very attractive and wanted!  At the Lodge, to date, I have had five offers for dinner and four marriage proposals.  All of the men are over 50, all but one were very drunk, and here are the propective dinner locations:

Chocolate Moose (International Falls-style Perkins)
Thunderbird Lodge (classy joint)  So far this guy is in the lead.  Obviously.

(Not an actual photo.  But not too far off.)

Here is the International Falls fishing Lodge mating ritual, as far as I can tell:
Drunk guy sees I am not wearing a wedding ring.
Drunk guy figures he is single (maybe.)
Drunk guy finds us to be immediately compatible.  (= both single).
Drunk guy asks me out.
To Subway, for a sandwich.

*The Hardee's guy (60-something...) asked if I want to "hook up".  Horrified, yet skeptical, I asked him what exactly "hook up" meant.  He said, "you know, go to Hardee's for a coffee."

Friday, August 2, 2013

I'm Just a Really Good Person Who's Jokes Go Over Most People Heads Most of the Time

Summer and I took a road trip to Kansas City to visit an old friend. On the way we stopped to go pee pee at a rest stop somewhere in Iowa.
We saw a little old man helping his little old lady wife walk toward the bathroom. I noticed them because they were going way too slow and totally in my way and at first it sort of irritated me and then I stopped myself, thought about it, and then decided not to be irritated and instead just be patient.
It's at just such times I'm reminded of WHAT A GOOD PERSON I AM.
I wondered what they were going to do once they got to the door of the Women's bathroom and he could no longer help her in.
"Can I take over from here?" I asked and offered her my arm. She hesitated at first but then smiled and said, "I guess so!" and we walked in and I helped her into her stall.
I even waited for her to finish so I could help her out of the bathroom. It was no big deal, because I had tons of zits to pop. On the way out of the bathroom, she remarked to me as she leaned on my arm, "gosh, this is great!"
So I joked, "you're just faking, right?" (As in, you don't really need help, you just act like you do so you can make new friends! hahahahahahaha!!!)
She looked at me, horrified, shook her head and said, "No!"

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