Zach-isms, Vol. 5

Zach told me that I snore a lot. But only when I drink. (But I drink a lot. So anyway that was the conversation we were having and I was mortified.) And so he consoled me: "I don't mind your snores at all. They're like a bouquet of decibels."

 

Zach-isms, Vol. 4

"I try to be easy on the eyes."

"I'm not laughing at you OR with you."

"I do toot kind of a lot, but what happened this time?"

"Old people have oatmeal every day."

"Whatddya mean 'have I pooped?' Do you think I'm new? I'm the king of bowel movements."

Zach-isms, Vol. Fart

"I'm not farting ON you, I'm farting WITH you."

"I like to toot around you."

"It's like a weird bladder infection, but it's brought on by poop."

"You know how I always say I like my farts? I didn't like that one."

Zach-isms, Vol. 2

"You have a very large arm. That arm should win a competition for something."

"I really feel that I'm 100% mentally there I'm just not audibly there and I mean that in a really sincere way."

"You have like a bowling ball head."

"Don't you dare face that on postagram."

"Let's try to do something that'll make our farts come out."

Zach-isms, Vol. 1

Meet my husband, Zach. He's the sweetest and handsomest fellow in all the land and someday I will tell you all about how we met and fell in love, but for now -- the first installment of Zach-isms:

Sometimes he says them when he's still sleeping:

"Is there really M&M's for sale?"

...and sometimes when he's still awake:

"After being married for a few months I now know that women's poops don't not smell."

"Which chin should I kiss?" 

"I saw my friend Brian the baker. His name is Brian and he's a baker."

...and sometimes I get really excited when Nora McInerny Purmort retweets a picture of my uglyface review of her book to her 10,000 Twitter followers:

"Why do you want 10,000 people to see your ugly cry face?"