The Evolution of an Appendectomy, Volume 7

...And then they wheeled me in to surgery and all of the sudden I got very scared because SURGERY but it was too late and then I woke up. I remember feeling like I had just had a very vivid dream about work. And then I was glad I wasn't at work, and "oh yeah. surgery." So I was like "oh man you guys I was dreaming about work" but then I got back on my game, and as per usual I took it upon myself to brighten the days of the post-op staff with a little hilarity and, of course, as is so common with me, the oh-so-typical resultant accolades taking the form of laughter.

"WHERE IS MY SON!? I DEMAND TO SEE MY SON! WHERE. IS. MY. SON?!?!!" I screamed, in as dramatic a movie voice as I could muster.

Nobody laughed. You know I think now, after all this, that Doctors and Nurses and Anesthesiologists are more concerned about things like "white cell counts" and "oxygen levels" and "blood pressure" and "are you alive?" and "how do you feel?" than they are about having a good laugh. I guess that's why they studied the sciences and we all studied the arts. I heard my post-op nurse say to somebody walking by, "this one's a jokester", as if to explain why her patient was embarrassing her.

Oh man this guy next to me would NOT SHUT UP. He was talking about all kinds of stuff. And he was all like mad and being mean to the post-op people. It was so clear to me what he was talking about and it was SO ANNOYING. I couldn't WAIT to tell everybody all of the details of absolutely everything he was complaining about. Here's me later, telling that story (in my favorite Summer-Grimes-filmed-appendectomy-video that never fails to make me LOL):

Overheard at Work

"When you bowl as good as I do, you don't need bumpers."





 

Overheard at Work. New Orleans

I was thinking lately about all the weird and strange and depressing things I overheard when I was working in New Orleans for Serco...

Warning: Depressing.

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One woman told me they had to evacuate for Katrina pretty quickly and thought they would only be gone for three days. So they decided to leave their dog behind. They left him a bunch of food and filled the tub with water. They said "goodbye" and "see you in three days." Of course they didn't make it back in three days. In fact, they didn't get back for six months. Turns out their thieving neighbor robbed them blind and in the process accidentally let the dog out of the house, at which time another neighbor took the dog in. When the homeowner finally returned to her home, she decided to just let the neighbors keep the dog because they had become so attached after rescuing him. Fortunately they're just a couple of doors down so she gets to see her old dog all the time.

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...Another conversation with a very nice guy in his sixties:

"Marriage these days only lasts about 10 years.  In my day, it was for the long haul."

"I don't get involved with dogs.  In my day, if a dog bit the neighbor's kid, their mother told them, 'that's what you get.  I told you to stay away from that dog!'  Today, mama calls doctor, lawyer, jury."

"My son was killed.  He didn't want to take my advice."

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...Another old black lady, while talking to me referred to George Bush as "your president."  I said, "why did you call him "my president?" and she didn't reply.  She just looked at me like, "duh."

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...Another woman told me that of her 9 children, only four are still living. One went missing for three weeks at Rita. Then he was found dead. Another died of cirrhosis of the liver, another had an aneurysm, and one was murdered. The fifth died in Katrina.

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SOME QUOTES FROM THE LADY WHO WAS TOTALLY HIGH, AND FORGOT TO TELL HER HUSBAND THEY HAD COMPANY BEFORE HE WALKED OUT IN HIS BOXERS AND THEN GOT VERY EMBARRASSED:

"I'm on more pain medication than anything.  But sometimes I don't take the medicine cuz I don't want to get addictive."

"I don't do drugs.  It's not my thing.  Crackheads.  That's not how you wanna look."

When her husband came out in his boxers (because he didn't know we were there) she told him, "That's what you get."  He replied, "I'm about to finish you right now."

Overheard in Minneapolis, (Rated PG-13)

I have a very good buddy named Kasey who doesn't drive which basically means that he meets lots of interesting crazy people on the bus. We got together for a drink the other night and he told me some "overheards" that I had to share.

Forgive the language.

Just pretend it was you. Overhearing the language.

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A man on the bus, noticing a woman, not on the bus:

"Oh my GAWD! Look at those CANS!" (Scribbles on paper. Crumples it up. Throws it out bus window. Yells at woman with said CANS:) "Call me!"

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Man, talking to woman, whom he appears to not know:

"Woooooooooo-EEEEEEE!  For you, I'd get two jobs. AND a paper route. Then I'd come home. Give you my seed."

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Woman to Man-She's-With:

"You're just hidin' that money so you can buy some weed aren't you?"

Man:

"You shut up."

...(only he didn't say it that nicely.)

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Crazy man talking to himself:
(Kasey knew this because he wanted to believe he was on a Bluetooth*.  Nope. The man turned his head from side-to-side. No Bluetooth.)

"D-! That is one m-f-'n punk-a Spruce!"

...(As you can imagine, I am trying really hard to call Kasey "Spruce" from now on.)

*And then I said what I considered to be very funny:
"It was the world's tiniest Bluetooth...called Schizophrenia."

Kasey being Kasey...somewhere in Peru.

But Come On. Truthfully:  Can't we honestly say that the invention of the Bluetooth has given crazy people ten more seconds of "are-they-or-aren't-they" leeway that just wasn't there before?

The Minister, Volume 2

Remember the story of the Minister I visited at work?

Well I had to go back to his place on Wednesday.  It was another two hour visit, (last time was three+ hours).  I overheard Mr. Minister tell Miss Annie that he was "as busy as a long-tail cat in a room fulla rocking chairs."  But we passed the time famously.  I found out who was and was not the father on Maury Povich, caught up on my Housewives of New Jersey, and somehow, I'm not sure how? found myself on hands and knees in his front yard, digging in the soil helping him plant a palm tree.  I advised him on how to get it out of the pot and spread the roots and to give it a good soaking.  Later, I swept his living room with a tiny broom.  But it's OK!  He bought me Popeye's chicken for lunch, in another unexplained trip away from the house while we were inside.

I met one of his daughters.  I asked her, "Is it true your dad has 25 kids?"  She said she wasn't sure the exact number but that sounded about right.  She said, "they talk about 'Papa Was a Rolling Stone'.  That's him.  I thought I was the youngest until last year when I met two younger than me."  And then she started talking about her sister Kawanna.  I said, "do you mean Kawanda?", because I remember there was a Katrina, Kareena, Katanya and Kawanda.  But no Kawanna.  She looked at me like I was a crazy person and then said, "Oh yah, see you know better than me.  Her name is Kawanda."


The problem (that we eventually resolved!) with Mr. Minister's meter issue was bigger than anybody expected, and another team from the lab showed up to help, and while we were all collaborating, Kadrell, one of the customer service representatives from the energy company, was enjoying some of the Minister's pickled pigs lips.  She offered me some.  I said OK, because, what have I learned from traveling the world for a year if not to always try new and different foods?  I told her to just tear me off a tiny piece so I could get a taste.  It tasted pickled.  Brine-y.  The texture was a little firmer than wet bread, with little hairs.  Here is the conversation that took place between Kadrell and me:

Kadrell:  "what do you think?"
Me:  "I don't love it.  So how is this a lip?  Is it like the bottom lip of the pig?"
Kadrell:  "It's like this. Pigs don't have lips. They have snouts.  Do you know what you're eating?"
Me:  "What?  Butt?"  (yah right. Why would they call the butt a lip?)
Kadrell:  "Close."
Me:  (ohhhhhhh...)  "Front-butt?"
Kadrell:  "Yes.  You're eating the pig's front-butt.  You're eating pig vagina.  Didn't you notice it was hairy?"*

I gasped, horrified.  It was hairy!  I looked up.  Hoping, praying for it not to be true.  And all I could see was Mr. Minister, laughing so hard at me that his cigarette fell out of his mouth.

*Ripped off of the onion.com

*There is some debate as to what a pig lip REALLY is.  I still don't know.  

Overheard on Decatur Street

We live on a famous, busy street.  We are within walking distance of several French Quarter landmarks like Cafe Dumond and the Central Grocery.  As a result it attracts a very interesting crowd.  Everybody from gutter punks to old fashioned bums to skateboarders to tattooed riffraff to business people to obnoxiously drunk tourists to high school students on class trips to very old suave gentlemen dressed like stereotypical pimps from the 1970s using umbrellas for canes*.  And oh! the interesting characters we encounter!


Here are some overheads for you:

"He tried to kill me with a hunting knife.  And I was six months pregnant."


"You know my cousin Wendy a crackhead.  When I was growing up, it was like, you know, don't let Wendy in the house because she'll steal your TV."


"He whacked me in the balls with a bottle of vodka."



Here is my beloved Decatur street, as seen from my favorite $2 Martini Monday seat at Fiorella's Cafe.  In the photo you can see my new living room and my balcony and my bedroom.  I'm not telling which one in case you're a nut job.  Also to be seen is the nightclub next door to my bedroom, but I'm not telling which one that is either in case you're a nut job who knows how to tell what thing is next to what other thing.

*I saw the "very old suave gentleman dressed like a stereotypical pimp from the 1970s using umbrella for cane" man again today!  His outfit wasn't as 'stereotypical pimp' as it was yesterday, when he was dressed head-to-toe in a maroon coattail suit complete a long thigh-length brocade vest and a feather in his cap.  Also today the cane was an actual cane (not an umbrella), but you get the point...I guess I took this photo to prove I wasn't making it up:

I love this guy!

The Minister

In a nutshell, my job is to provide technician services for New Orleans energy customers who have opted into a grant-sponsored pilot program which provides a device that monitors energy usage (kWh).  That usage is displayed on the device and translated into a dollar amount that can be tracked realtime and projected for the end of the month bill.  The goal is to educate homeowners to reduce their bills and hopefully save the environment in the process.  I have been hired to enter the homes of people whose devices aren't working properly and fix them.

I love the program.  I have actually heard people say, "So you mean, if I turn off the TVs in the bedrooms when I'm not watching them I can save money?"  Hey, you don't know what you don't know.  I'm happy to be a part of it and I can't wait until the devices are implemented nationwide and I can have one in MY house.

My absolute favorite part of this job is overhearing the conversations between the energy company rep and the homeowner while I'm doing my job on the device.

Today's overheard conversation was with a minister who admitted to siring 25 children and, no, he wasn't making it up.  I know this because I asked him to name them and he did.  Here are some of my favorite quotes (and please use your best 'Southern Baptist Minister' accent when reading):

"I got a bill for four hundred dawlahs.  I almost had a baby with a bonnet on."

"I got 25 kids.  Be fruitful and become many.  But man, sometimes it's an uphill struggle with a downhill pool."

"I don't want nothing that ain't gonna put nothing on the table.  I don't even want a goldfish."

"My son come here.  Take a bath.  Look in my cupboards.  Don't you have no bath at your place?  You got a brand new baby.  I know you got a bathtub."

"A dog is a pimp.  What yo' dog do for you?  Keep you in debt.  He pimpin' you.  You feed him, then he pass it.  Then you gotta clean that up.  Vet bills?  Yah, he pimpin' you."

"My youngest girl, I call her 'my little hemorrhoid'.  Cuz she gotta talk to me every morning and every night.  She tell me, 'don't you say goodbye to me.'"

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We were at this minister's house for three hours.  He smoked several cigarettes during that time so when he left the house, it didn't seem strange.  But when he got in his car and drove away, I couldn't believe it.  "What the?"  The mystery was solved ten minutes later when he returned with a round of Cokes for us.

Later, when I overheard him tell the energy reps that he was going to start taking cold showers to save on energy, I couldn't help myself.  I said, "You shoulda thoughta that 25 kids ago."

Overheard at Work

"I'm living proof of how stupid I get."

"We got a beautiful weekend...why are we wastin' it in here?"

"Now listen, you been tellin' me to shut up all night.  It's my turn to tell YOU to SHUT UP."



...A couple weeks ago I was bartending and a large group came in just as I was about to call it a night and lock the doors.  Dang.  Anyway there were a couple different groups, actually, and Group A was celebrating the birthday of one of its members.  Groups B, C, and D thought that was pretty awesome and there were rounds purchased and congratulations offered.  And then somebody thought it would be a great idea to bust out the Happy Birthday song.  When this very loud group got to the <insert name here> part, you know..."Happy Birthdaaay, deaaar ........" they just kinda did the hmmm hmmm because of course, nobody knew the guy's name.  I saw it coming...I couldn't help myself...I screamed out "WHATS-YOUR-NAME" during the awkward silent pause.

Overheard at Work

Well-meaning, but possibly drunk woman to younger, single man:

"When you start looking for a wife, here's what you look for.  Trust me.  I know this, I have kids.  First, no illigitimate babies.  Second, no student loan debt.  You marry somebody with student loan debt, guess what? you're gonna be stuck paying it off.  Third, no credit card debt.  You marry somebody with credit card debt, guess what? you're gonna be stuck paying it off.  Fourth, no midgets in the family.  What?!  You think I'm kidding?  You don't want midget babies.  Trust me."

Crowing

After his prostate surgery, my dad and I were sitting in the kitchen, kind of talking to each other, but not really.  I overheard him thinking out loud.  He said to no one in particular:

"I should shoot a crow.  But what if I gut-shoot him and he has pain like I had? Go in peace brother, we've fought too long. Eat grasshoppers. Crap on my lawn. Wake me up early in the morning."

This man and crows have a stormy relationship let me tell you.  He once interrupted a story I was telling (while standing in the doorway after driving five hours to visit him) to grab a gun and shoot a crow out of the front door -- that sits in city limits.

One time he was visiting me in my high-rise downtown Minneapolis apartment the year we had a HUGE crow infestation (seriously, The Birds-esque).  He saw them off my balcony and went running down the hallway to 'go get his gun' and I had to explain that kind of thing was not acceptable illegal.  You can't just go shooting guns off balconies, even if the crows had it coming.



Come to think of it, when I was a kid, he always told me that I was "pooped by a crow, and hatched by the sun".  In other words, I think he may have killed my real parents.

Overheard in my Dad's Hospital Room

"Hal has an obese stomach."

"They could have at least drawn some underwear on him."

"Rectum? It almost killed him."

Overheard at Starbucks, Kuala Lumpur

"First I had monster gas, then went to thinking I was completely constipated, and then to feeling like I was going to pee/poop my pants."

My new favorite website

Ashley hipped me to an overheard in Minneapolis website.
click here for more HILARITY

Preteen girl #1 coming out of Harry Potter: That was waaaay better than Twilight.
Preteen girl #2: Yeah, Twilight was like eating poop and Harry Potter was like eating gummy bears!

...Overheard at the Office today

"Were you snowed out of your closet?"



~coworker to my boss, who wore sweatpants, a sweatshirt and UGG boots to work.

Overheard From Summer N. Grimes

"What if you hated Mexico and Mexicans? You would be racist."

Overheard at Girls' Night...

One time, a friend's friend's mom went to Europe. She didn't want to pack lots of underwear. You know, to save space. So her brilliant idea was to pack two pairs of underwear and a bunch of pads. Then just wear the pads and throw them away and keep recycling the underwear. I know.

Anyways, because she was past menopause, she hadn't worn a pad for years, and didn't realize that you need to remove the sticker to expose the adhesive backing and then stick it to your underwear. She just placed it there. And so, while on a museum walking tour, her pad of course worked its way down her leg, and out the bottom. She kicked it, hoping no one would notice. But the tour guide did, and he said, "is that your pad?". "No", she said, and then he said, "yes it is, I saw you kick it out of your pant leg."

I Sold My Piano!

And so I'm addicted to Craigslist. I posted the piano a couple of times but didn't have any takers. So I reposted it a couple of weeks ago and a really nice guy emailed and stopped by to check it out. He's a viola player in the Minnesota Orchestra. Alason insisted on being there when he came by to prevent my murder -- the mark of a true friend. Also, I informed all neighbors of his presence and had my pink mace ready. So he liked the piano and thought it would work but wanted to get a professional's opinion. So we spent a couple weeks trying to get somebody out who would confirm that it was a solid instrument. We agreed on a price and then finally, after some hassle, we got a dude and his cronie to come out. He was going to look it over, and if it checked out, move it and tune it all in one fell swoop. Here are some photos of the evening. The whole thing took about an hour, and so I shared a couple glasses of wine with the buyer and we became best friends while the dude was trying to tell him that I was charging too much. But then he asked how much I was charging so that was kind of funny. Also as you can see from the photos the dude was putting his greasy gross tools on my WHITE COUCH. What is wrong with people? Oh, and then he used a LEAF BLOWER to blow all the accumulated dust from inside the piano. Thankfully he waited until it was outside to do that! And then the next morning I went out there and I found CIGARETTE BUTTS on my sidewalk. SHEESH. But, I am so excited and happy that I have this lovely open space in my living room now! And a little moolah in the bank. It's all a part of my master plan to get rid of everything furniture-wise on my main floor and get all new stuff without paying any extra money. So far so good. I took these photos on my cell phone so they're kind of grainy, but you get the picture (pun intended!):

Here's what my entryway looks like, pianoless: