Hal-isms, Vol. 74

"Stick to bein' a cop. Quit this kissin' stuff."

"You expect a lot outta people who aren't Norwegians."

"Whoa whoa whoa what's going on?"
** his phone rang

"I've seen this - the kids are dead the mom screams and screams 'madre dios' let's watch somthin' else."

"That was before when I used to get offended when people did me dirt."

Hal-isms, Vol. 73

"I don't know if you've noticed but I drive not violent. 'Non-violent driving' they call it."

 

"It's time I stopped dreaming young men's dreams. I need to start dreaming of sitting on the couch listening to the neighbors and watching Trump settle the world's affairs."

 

"I buy my eggs in twins."

 

"You try to help other people, and then YOU suffer. That's been my life."

 

"Kady. I can't keep up with this modern world."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hal-isms, Vol. 72

"I don't shower at night. I wake up curly haired."

 

"I'm in a pissing match with a skunk."

 

"I ain't cookin' I'm just gonna eat hard tack and mushrooms."

 

"If you're in denial, it helps!"

 

"You tell them to get some Clamato juice or close their doors."

 

 

Hal-isms, Vol. 71

"I'll have a cup of coffee...try to say something to your mom before she tells me to shut up."

"My God, I can't take my hand off your shoulder without hitting your butt on the way down. I gotta swing wide. Like gettin' off my four wheeler. Swing my leg wide."

"Is everything in China about sitting on a stump somewhere, meditating?"

"Do them Irish people ever stop singin'?"

"When I get dementia and start wanderin' up by Sheriff Gary Fish's place and you guys'll hafta put out an LMNOP on me."

Hal-isms, Vol. 70

"I guess if I get mesothelioma I"ll just have to deal with it."

"Did I tell ya my last encounter with an Indian?"

"I spent my whole life being the bad guy so my family could get along."

"You've become more than a feminist. You're almost like an anarchist."

Hal-isms, Vol. 69 (hey! he's 69 years old!)

"I have to pee. It changes the octave of my oracle chords."

"Try to be paying attention to things that make sense instead of frog turds and butterflies."

"I can walk through a cow pasture but I don't have to step in brown."

"Shut that door. ...And your mouth."

"Your mother's got the cancer, not me. I survived it."

Hal-isms, Vol. 68

"Well, it was a memorable time."

"I don't talk about mushy stuff it gets ya combobulated."

"Maybe we can find our real kids, Mom, and get rid of these sh**heads we got now."

"Rowdy you're the only kid we've had that can lay quietly while we watch a movie."

"Last night I said something to that damn sister of yours and now she's going to write it in her portfolio."

Hal-isms, Vol. 67

"I don't know about gettin' drunk but I'm gettin' diarrhea"

"Well, you marry a gadabout you get a gadabout"

"I know what the community needs"

"This guy left me a gallon of coyote urine, and we were gonna split it..."

"What's so funny about that? He gets two quarts and I get two quarts?"

Hal-isms, Vol. 66

"Kady he fell off the stage. Do you know I've fallen off every log, hay bale, and tractor I've ever seen? And do I whine? Kady, have you ever heard me whine?"

"I've accepted my fate to be an example to all humans."

"Well why don't you go back to sleep? It's 9am...it appears you have a laid back lifestyle. Meanwhile your mom yelled at me for leaving the broom and dustpan out and the door open."

"Give me that one present. Don't blog this."

"If I didn't love ya I wouldn't give a damn."

Hal-isms, Vol. 65

A Voicemail from Hal:

"Kady I know it's hard for you to believe that I can tell about people like Prince and I can...just know everything...I know you think it's not true but we went to a wedding anniversary today and they had a jar fulla candy and you were supposed to pick the number...I guessed two hundred and twelve and hit it RIGHT ON THE MONEY. I know it's bragging and it isn't meant to be and mom's starting to call me Rain Man. Bye."

Hal-isms, Vol. 64

"I rest my case."

"We have to take your mother to her posthumous cancer appointment."

"I see in the news that Butterboy didn't do so well but who knows what the lies are?"

Kady: "Dad - sometimes in life all you have is your family."

Hal: "Oh, BS. I got my dog and my guns."

Hal-isms, Vol. 63

"Meth and Zika: It's a volatile cocktail. You cannot to both."

"You know what I don't do? I don't take my dogs to Zikaville in Mexico and they come back with small heads."

"People always say 'oh, he crapped his pants.' But really, he just failed to sit down in time. That's the problem."

"I learn by experience Kady. Because I'm old now and I can't see. I can't hear, I can't smell and I can't feel. So I experience things and then I put them in my repertoire."

Hal-isms, Vol. 62

"I should go in the bathroom. I have cramps."

"I'm a reasonable person. Actually, I think I'm quite wonderful."

"I'm not used to un-Norwegians."

"There's another one. Walkin'. With a grocery bag. That's all you do down here."

"Well, I better put my eye drops in and go to bed. You know what I don't have? Baby Aspirin."

"I raised you kids by telling each one I loved the other one."

Hal-isms, Vol. 61

"It's muggy and stifling and prejudicial."

"Why don't you keep estranging me until you have to text me in my grave?"

"You buncha gun totin' city folks. Eatin' at Arby's."

"Boy I should buy this paper - there's all sort of tragedy."

"I'm back up to only four pounds down."

Hal-isms, Vol. 60

"She's watching Traveling With Angels or Ten Wives in Atlanta."

"If I click there I'm liable to find pornographic content."

"You should be watchin' Blue Bloods. There's three things going on at once!"

"When you change things it changes things."

"I just wanna say to you that when we disagree...I still love you."

That's like 15 gallons

Hal-isms, Vol. 59

"And you all know that I am very little racist in me."

"You people don't know what a hardware store contains. There's probably cassette tapes and T-shirts in there."

"Kady you're a nice girl. Articulate. But what comes out of your butt in pictures is a disgrace. And your mouth sometimes. It's worster."

"You two wouldn't be so smug if you lived my life."

Hal-isms, Vol. 58

"If I had a memory at all I could really come up with some doozies."

"I'm like a wolf. I scan. I scan. And when I see a break, I take it."

"You're like a gol' dang chickadee. You can't sit on a branch for two seconds."

"I was watching the TV or the gyrolator or whatever you call it."  (he was watching his laptop)

Hal's truck

Hal-isms, Vol. 57

"Chip Morton? Or Johnny Depp?"

"The whole world is so tough until they have to hold their poop. Then they find out they ain't so dang tough."

"Now, Kady, if I said 'there's a moose' is that stereotyping?"

"Women these days are too dang independent. Well, they don't need ya."

"I love everybody. It's just my nature. It's a free-flowing thing."

 

 

 

Hal-isms, Vol. 56

"You been a Mezda and I'm practically a Mezda 'cuz I'm your father."         (Mensa)

"You're upsetting your father. That seems to be the highlight of your life."

"I hope you need a favor someday. Cuz you ain't gettin' it."

Me: "Dad. You never call me anymore." Hal: "I'm too busy writing your obituary."

"Kady! When are you gonna get your life together?!"

Hal-isms, Vol. 55

"My only dirty dastardly deed I ever did in my life..."

"If you could steer the conversation toward liquor I would say, 'I can hold my liquor'".

"I never bought anything. Anything I got is from Boise."

"I'm a woodsman, Dianne. I'm just tryin' to tell everybody what to do but nobody cares."

"Now, is it indecent exposure at night if you pee?"