Baudette MN

When my mom went into the hospital, I ran to the local grocery store to grab lots of Doritos, cheese snacks, mixers for the alcohol we snuck in there, and tons of juicy gossip magazines. 

This is what was on offer:

and don't get excited about that VOGUE either. It was VOGUE Knitting

Doppleganger

You ever been scrolling through a famous person's Instagram and found a picture of yourself? I mean, not really YOU, but like your doppleganger??

Check this out - doesn't that totally look like ME with Carrie Brownstein from Portlandia????!!!?

It's not me.

Please Respect My Privacy During this Difficult Time

Good Friends

Oh we have fun:






Running on the beach...

Going wheeling...

You may remember that I was able to spend some very special time with my very good friends during their big wedding week. I'm happy to report they were able to make it my wedding (last minute! I couldn't believe it!)

original photo credit to Nylon Saddle Photography

Jose Gonzalez

Literally so sick of celebrities trying to get their photo taken with me!

Mom Genes

Announcing the very happy news that my mom does not carry the Angelina Jolie "breast cancer gene" (and therefore probably neither do I) with more screen grabs from our mass-text-omy:

She has decided to have a lumpectomy, which should happen very soon. Then she has to wait four weeks to recover and then goes straight into 16 weeks of chemotherapy. One day on, thirteen days off. Eight sessions total, two different drugs, four times each. After that, recovery and then seven weeks of radiation. Five days a week. 

Bright side? In just 29 short weeks it will all be over. (That was sarcasm.)

This blows.

You know - if you or somebody you love had breast cancer and I didn't show the appropriate amount of concern by making you a casserole and covering for you at work and knitting you a scarf I'm very sorry. 

Best School Assignment Ever

Look what came home in 11-year-old Murphy's backpack for homework!!!

It really warms my heart that our school system is teaching what really matters to our nation's disabled children. Celebrity news.

Awwwwwwwww...he got it right!!!!!!

I Guess I Have a Sense for These Things, You Know? When Younger Women Pass Milestones I Haven't Yet Met...

I totally called something two weeks ago. But I only told it out loud to the receptionist at my Pilates studio. It was this photo that had me suspicious...

I'm not trying to be a hag, you know I have a chubby stomach. I'm just saying, hers is not chubby, OK? I mean, see what I mean?

And you know, these days people date forever and then they get married when it's time for the babies, or at least I think that's what they do.

Anyway, it turns out there was something to my suspicions, as the editor-in-chief of InStyle magazine tweeted a congrats about her "impending motherhood". She has yet to confirm.

Meanwhile I'm staying home alone every night either canning or messing around with photos of my friend's baby tossing poor Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie into the air while holding a framed picture of Kim Jong Il...

Genetics - Part 1

Part of your mom having breast cancer is learning all about genetics and BRCA1 and BRCA2. Apparently there are 21 genes that can predispose you to breast and ovarian cancer, and these are two of them. If you have this BRCA gene, you're 80% likely to get breast or ovarian cancer and so some women opt to have double mastectomies even before they are diagnosed with cancer. Get rid of the problem.

The gene is rare, but Geneticists test women for it when:

• they have lots of breast cancer in their family
• they get diagnosed very young
• they get more than one form of cancer in short order.

My mom's mom and aunt both got breast cancer in their 60's, which wasn't in and of itself a huge risk factor. But she has had lung, uterine and now breast cancer all in the span of about two years. So her oncologist strongly recommended that she have a genetics test. My mom couldn't care less about this, she figures she's 65 years old, what does she care? Get a lumpectomy and drive back up to Lake of the Woods County, where there isn't even one stoplight. But the five of us girls are like, "um, excuse me? We'd sort of like to know..." since if she has it, we have a 50% chance of having it. But it's a blood draw and takes three weeks to find out the answer. And she can't have her surgery scheduled until she gets the results. So, she relented and got the test, but now she's irritated about the wait and just wants to cut her cancer out of her body YESTERDAY.

To be honest, the prospect of being tested positive for the BRCA gene would not necessarily be a bad thing for me. Yes, I'd probably have to get a double mastectomy and that would royally suck, but I'm mostly interested in the idea of having the same gene as my best friend Angelina Jolie. How glamorous! We already have so much in common!

Here I am, frantically working away on the veil just before her ceremony.

*All kidding aside, Mrs. Jolie has done a lot to raise awareness about BRCA. In fact at the oncologist's office they referred to BRCA as the "Angelina Jolie" gene, which goes to show you the positive impact her letter to the NY Times has had.

Hospital Humor

My mom is having a million appointments this week to try and figure out the extent of her cancer and how to proceed. Today there's a pet scan and a biopsy and a meeting with a geneticist. She might have the same breast cancer gene as Angelina Jolie! And maybe so do all us girls!

Anyway, she's being treated at the Piper Breast Center at Abbott Northwestern, which is like the best best best hospital in my opinion and conveniently located only about two miles from my house. 

Today she was taken back for her biopsy from the front waiting area to the back waiting area and the nurse said that I could go with her but not my dad. 

I go, "it's OK. He's seen her boobs before."

Updating Myself on World News

Big Week

OMG you guys! I had SOOOOOOOOOOOO much fun at Brad and Angie's wedding!!!

I danced all night long!

As Maid of Honor, naturally I was called upon to give a heartfelt serenade. 

Brad loved it so much! He put his arm around me and we three chatted about this-and-that. 

And then of course the honeymoon. So relaxing. The views were absolutely breathtaking.

We like to let loose -- 

#family
#real

Fanny

A good friend of mine was recently photographed and subsequently mocked for his choice in hands-free gear-carrying:

According to my source:

The Oscar winner, 44, laughed off his style choice with a big grin during an interview with CSN Houston's Julia Morales. He attended the game with his 6-year-old son Levi, and topped off his retro bag with a white T-shirt, khaki pants, a baseball cap and sunglasses.

"I'm not afraid of the fanny pack. You gotta kinda put it on the side to make it look a little not as nerdy, but still, practicality wins out," the Dallas Buyers Club actor said. "I got so much gear in here that I don't want in my pockets."

You know what, how many times have you been around someone and they're like, 'Aw, man, I forgot so and so and I gotta go back to my car.'" Pretending to take something out of his hip pouch, he added: "I got mine right here."

I couldn't agree more, Pal. That is SO TRUE.

And I do want to go on record and state that it was me who very probably single-free-handedly started this trend:

As snapped by the paparazzi, April 2011

And again, January 2014

Oh, Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling was spotted wearing this shirt with a picture of a young Macaulay Culkin on it:

And then, to be hilarious (and it was), Macaulay Culkin tweeted this photo of himself:

And then the photoshoppers went nuts:

Crazy photoshoppers!

It's like Inception, only cuter.

Twitter Fail

Sometimes I post my hilarious, yet under-favorited and under-retweeted tweets here on my blog in hopes that somebody will appreciate them. 

Move Over Bette Midler, I've Seen Beaches One Million TIMES

Move over Bette Midler!

Literally. Move over. You're in my scene.

Jewess Jeans

When we were just young teenage girls, Kasey, Shanna, Tara and I made a copy of an old favorite Gilda Radner SNL commercial, "Jewess Jeans".

Sorry for the poor quality. This was recorded on VHS in 1992, then with an iPhone.

I'm kind of embarrassed (no, not by the fact that I was rubbing my butt and pulling my pants up high, high, high) but because this video has 5,573 views on Youtube. It's hard to find the original commercial and people are probably sorely disappointed when they find ours.

Measuring Up

So it's not like I'm obsessed about it, but I turned 36 this year. I was born in 1977. My niece Miyo has taken to calling me "Grandma" and "old lady" and when I protested, my mom pointed out that technically, I could be a Grandma. 

I always thought that at 36 I'd be all grown up. Except I frequently eat dinner over the kitchen sink and fall asleep in my clothes. My bedroom looks like the bedroom of a 16-year-old boy and I once found a chicken wing in my bed.

Today, I was feeling very curious about which celebrities are the same age as I am and how I stack up when making unfair comparisons to their lives. Here's what a simple Google search revealed:

Shakira, Singer. Born February 2, 1977. Married to that hot soccer player above and just had her first baby. Not a natural blonde, but it looks better on her than me. Fabulous poet-lyricist-singer. Amazing at belly dancing. Her hips do not lie.

Rob McElhenney, writer It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Rob was born April 14, 1977. He is married (to Kaitlin Olson who plays Dee on Sunny) and has a baby. He makes his living as a writer. Looks good, even when fat. Gets to work with Danny DeVito.

James Van Der Beek, aka Dawson, Dawson's Creek. James was born on March 8, 1977. He is married with two kids. He makes his living as an actor. He enjoys watching football and baseball.

Maggie Gyllenhaal, actor. She was born on November 16, 1977. Married to Peter Sarsgaard, two kids. Gorgeous. Has gotten paid to kiss The Dude. Nurses her children in public. (Google it.)

Orlando Bloom, actor. Born January 13, 1977. Likes to make millions by signing on to epic trilogies i.e. Pirates of the Caribbean and Lord of the Rings. Married to Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr. They have a baby. 

Robin Thicke, that guy Miley Cyrus twerked up on. Born March 10, 1977. Married. Baby. 

• Sarah Michelle Gellar, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. April 14, 1977. Married to Freddie Prinze Jr. Two kids.
• Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty, The Help. March 24, 1977. 2013 Oscar nominee. In a long term relationship. Named "Sexiest Actress Alive" by Glamour magazine.
• Liv Tyler, actor. July 1, 1977. Very famous dad. Has a son called Milo.
• Zachary Quinto, actor. June 2, 1977. Single. Hot. Gay. The new Spock.  
• Colin Hanks, actor. Son of Tom Hanks. November 24, 1977. Married. Two kids.
• Kerry Washington, actor. January 31, 1977. Married to a San Francisco 49'er.

The list goes on and on. Need I even mention Saved by the Bell's Dustin Diamond, aka Screech?

So far, the only ones I seem to be winning over are Brittany Murphy who is dead, and Edward Furlong who I thought was dead, but was arrested as recently as January 2013 for beating his wife. (However he does have a baby.) 

---

Meanwhile I get angry when my greasy hair can't make it one more day without a shampooing and I get a real sense of accomplishment when I finish a full season of some TV show all in one day.


SO: Which celebrities are from your birth year, and how do you measure up?

Wait For It...

McShash (my cool friend who's always in the know about cool stuff) hipped me to this dumb stupid video and I love it so much. HILARIOUS.

I Put My Finger On It

I was very underwhelmed when I saw the Spring 2013 Chanel Campaign in Vogue. Something about it didn't feel "fresh" or "new", and I couldn't help but feel that I had seen it somewhere before.

 

 

 

Then it hit me. The image is startlingly close to a Campaign that Summer and I did in Winter 2012 when we had to sleep on a table in a train station in Northern India:

 

 

 

Chanel is going to hear from my lawyer. (1-800-Ask-Gary.) What do you think, do I have a case?

Kim Jong Hal?

Remember when I noticed a disturbing resemblance between my dad and a certain female British pop star?

Well, today I noticed a disturbing resemblance between my dad and a certain unpopular North Korean world figure.

Yikes.