Wednesday, August 29, 2012

No Posty

So I've been a little negligent with the postings lately. It's mainly because my time here in Minneapolis has come to an end and I am moving out of the cozy little basement apartment I've been banished to for the last seven months on Saturday. As a result my dance card has been completely full trying to soak in as much Minneapolis and time with friends as I can before I leave.


Gonna miss my fake "parents", Larry and Chris...thanks guys for the safe warm cozy bed. And thanks for letting me stay for seven months when we really only agreed to two. Love you!

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Sunday Favorites: A Difficult Choice

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. Enjoy! This story originally appeared on April 17, 2011 when I was living in Brazil:

Unfortunately this baby cockroach and centipede made friends right under my kitchen table, and so I had to brutally murder one and set the other one free.  A terrible decision, 'which one lives and which one dies'...I didn't have time!  Did I make the right decision?  Was making my decision based on not wanting to feel the centipede squish in my hand the right basis?
This may haunt me until the day I die.

I may move to New York City and meet a handsome man and pretend it never happened, but he'll sense something is wrong...and finally, one alcohol-ridden night, I'll tell him. 

Are you getting these Sophie's Choice references, or are they wasted on you, you idiot?  Maybe they're wasted on you because I don't remember much about that movie...just the moving to New York City and the pretending it never happened.  I really can't remember how she told him, and if there was alcohol involved.  Who's the idiot now?

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Summer-isms, Vol. 40

"Jay Leno is still on tv ??"

"I hate getting bad massages in other  countries."

"Don't you guys feel young again?"

"I think half of that band makes my coffee."

"I have three pet peeves in life: number one when people ride with their bike seat too low...what are my other pet peeves?"

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

"You Can Stop it Now, Beth. Nobody's Looking At You."

In high school, my best friend Beth Lindahl used to make me die laughing by making faces at me and never cracking a smile until I peed my pants. One day in Health class, she must have been trying to get my attention but I must not have been looking at her because Miss Stadum yelled out to her (over the silent din of a class full of kids who were reading or something):



I was reminded of that story this evening...

I went with some friends to go and see the Walker Art Center's last installation of Music and Movies in the Park. Barrio restaurant in downtown Minneapolis sets up their food truck at these events, and it was there that I had my Second and Third Dinners this evening.

As I approached for Third Dinner, I noticed that the food truck employee was wearing a "Nacho Libre"-type mask and was yelling "HOLA!" at the customers in a "BOO! (scared you)"-type fashion, and I was really not into it.

So I stood there looking at the menu, while this guy waited for me to notice him and his dumb mask. I wasn't impressed, but I could tell out of the corner of my eye that he really wanted me to notice him. I couldn't be bothered and so without taking my eyes off the menu I said, 


...and then I took this photo without his permission.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Say Goodbye to my Freckle-Stache!

You may remember I have a slight dermatalogical issue on my upper lip that I affectionately call my "freckle-stache". Scientifically, I believe it's called "hyperpigmentation" or "excess production of melanin" caused by "sun damage". Basically my upper lip is the one place on my entire body where I have successfully been able to get a tan.

Here's me after four months of continued sun exposure (albeit under a sun hat and with 70+ SPF on every inch of my body) in Central America. Freckle-stache in full force:

And here's me after four months of continued 75 hour work weeks in a Minnesota mortgage company office with no natural sunlight (albeit covered up with a large amount of Bare Esscentuals Bare Minerals powder). Freckle-stache in full force:

Well.  Today I read on NPR that the Chinese have come up with a very handy solution to my problem. It's called the "Face-kini" and it's all the rage on the beaches of China. You can buy one for $4.00 or make one yourself with old clothes. Check it out:

Click here to read the full story.

Another thing you'll learn from the article is that the Chinese like indoor pools better because they don't want to get a tan. That would make you seem poor like a common worker. But the pools are overcrowded and unsanitary and test very high for UREA, which you may recall is the chemical in URINE, which we usually call PEE here in America.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Sunday Favorites: Ben Affleck, You're the Man of My Dreams

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. Enjoy! This story originally appeared on March 13, 2011:

About a month ago, I had a dream that I was getting ready to fall asleep in my Costa Rica bedroom, like face-down.  I remember that my elbows were at my sides and I made fists by my face.  Picture that position, because it's very important to the story.  Anyway, Ben Affleck came up, got into the same exact position, and cozied up right next to me, snuggled in, resting his head by my left armpit.

I was worried that my breath stunk, because come on, it's Ben Affleck, so I turned my face away from him, but still allowed the snuggling.  But I forgot about my armpit.  Because then he went, "ahhhwwwhhhh" in horror and disgust at the smell, pulling his head away.

Sorry, Ben Affleck.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Fancy Ladies

These two fancy ladies just pulled the trigger on a flight from Istanbul, Turkey to Colombo, Sri Lanka for sometime mid-November.

What a couple of Hoity Toits.

"Yah, it's like my body odor doesn't even smell. At all."

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

What About "Real" Dangers?

Some people like to visit cemeteries in New Orleans because of their incredible history and also the unique way bodies are entombed aboveground because of the floodplain. It was something that Summer and I "meant to do" while we lived there but we didn't for two reasons:
  • We couldn't be bothered.
  • We were told we'd get mugged.
"Apparently" there are "people" who "watch" tourists going into the cemeteries and "follow" them in and "rob" them. We were skeptical about that but more than one person told us about this "danger" and others that usually turned out to be the warnings of crazy paranoid people.

Well, last weekend we rented a car so that we could show Laurissa a few of our favorite things outside the French Quarter and I thought it might be nice to find Uncle Lionel's burial place. I found on the Google that he was laid to rest at Mount Olivet, which is not too far from City Park, where we were already going. Summer reminded me about the "muggings" and I decided to be a grown up lady and call our Hotel's Concierge and ask if he would recommend tourists visiting a local cemetery.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: "Hi, we're guests of the hotel and we were wondering if you would recommend visiting a local cemetery. We had heard that it could be dangerous for tourists."

Concierge: "No! You don't want to go there. It's getting dark."

Me: (yikes...could the people be right?...but it's only 5pm...) "Well, we'd like to pay our respects to Uncle Lionel who was laid to rest at Mount Olivet and were wondering if that would be safe."

Concierge: "Well that's a great idea but it's getting dark. You don't want to go to a cemetery after dark."

Me: "We would be going right now. In the daylight. Would we be safe?"

Concierge: "No. You don't want to go to no cemetery!  That's Creepy."

Me: (ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...he's talking about ghosts...) "What about real dangers? Are we going to get mugged?"

Concierge: "No. Why would you get mugged?"

So we drove over to Mount Olivet. It was closed. FYI, when I Googled information regarding his whereabouts, I learned an interesting piece of weird information. They stood Uncle Lionel up at his wake. No joke.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Well at Least He Has a Customer...

Guess Where I Am?

My favorite city ever.

Here's a little tribute post I did on October 3, 2011:

In no particular order, an incomplete list of things I love about New Orleans.

1)  Complete and utter disregard for traffic laws.  

What's that vehicle, you ask?

It can't be.  Can it?

Yep.  It's an old man.  In a wheelchair car.  Driving down the middle of the street.

And then crossing that street.

2)  Shade tree philosophers.  Here, the "median" or grassy area between two lanes of traffic is called the "neutral ground".  We found out yesterday that the name comes from ancient times when the two opposing sides (American and the French, Creole, Native American sides) were divided along Canal Street.  The grassy area was a "neutral ground" between the sides, and I believe it was where the Louisiana Purchase itself was signed.  Anyway, lots of dudes sit in the neutral ground and talk all day long.  Some set up chess games, some have picnic tables and some just sit on overturned milk crates:

3)  Beads everywhere!  Even in the trees!

4) My coworkers.  I love them.   :(

Left to right: Brandon, Annie, Ernest, Summer (but she doesn't count because she's coming with me).

5) Soul Food:

Fried catfish, shrimp, baked mac and cheese with sausage and green beans from Gloria's Place.

6) The yummy smell of my street when they wash it with soapy sudsy water once a week:

7) The skyline view from the ferry to Algiers:

8)  Our apartment....

9) The way people alter the One Way signs.  Some say "One Day", some say "One Love", etc.

10) Distinguished gentlemen having a chat on the street corner.

11) Lionel Batiste.  Oh yah.  I met the coolest cat in the French Quarter last night.  This is the third time I've seen him and each time he keeps getting cooler and cooler.  I kept my cool though as I asked for this photo.  Kind of.  I think I asked him to marry me.  If I wasn't on my way to Darlington, I just might have had a chance.

I dare you to show me anybody cooler than Mr. Batiste.

I will be back.  Oh yes, I will.  Lionel and I This city and I belong together.  

It's been not quite a year...and I'm back!

Friday, August 10, 2012

Friday Blog Love

Can you believe this girl's reaction to NOT winning a gold medal? It was so. Just. Wow. Anyway, I absolutely LOVE this new tumblr page which puts McKayla in impressive situations and there she is, not impressed.  Check it out.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Hal-isms, Vol. 28

"Yah, I'm sure he'll be there. Struttin' around with his thumbs under his suspenders."

"Do I think I'm superior to everybody else? Of course."

...And in response to last week's wildly popular "Best, Most Epic Hal-isms. Ever.":

"I don't know why you make all that crap up."

"That's not my voice. That's a stranger."

"I will refute it to anybody who asks, but nobody's asking."

Here's another 15 second recorded voicemail:

Podcast Powered By Podbean

My mom had to snap this photo for us girls, because my dad NEVER wears shorts. (As evidenced in the change in color of his skin from leg to arm.)

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Summer-isms, Vol 39

"You know I couldn't wait to get this bra on and now I can't wait to get this bra off."

"I feel like every man uses Head & Shoulders."

"If I don't do it fast I don't do it at all."

"I have an invincibility complex."

"You're the worst public speaker I've ever seen in a corporate environment." (I've never publicly spoken in a corporate environment.)

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

From Our Readers

You Guys: The most wonderful thing happened.

I got a Fedex package.  From a reader.

And it was.

The most.




He was afraid I already had it.

He forgot I don't have anything.

THANKS D. You sort of made my year.

Monday, August 6, 2012

The Meeps

Miyo and I hung out again this afternoon. My favorite quote of the day?:

 "I farted a lot of times today."


Sunday, August 5, 2012

Sunday Favorites: Life is Good

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. Enjoy! This gloat originally appeared on April 11, 2011:

Every once in a while, I have a moment, where...I'm laying on a rock, in the most beautiful place in all the world, and I think, 'all my friends back home are working today. And I'm in Brazil. Fishing in the ocean with an Argentinian. Speaking Spanish.' 

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Cheating with the Posting and the Pudding Pops

Just a little Cheat Post for you today -- check out Hobo Siren's post about what we're up to today:

I've done this race four times already.  Here were my times:

2006 - 2:21
2007 - 2:18
2008 - 2:31
2009 - 2:43

Odds are good I'll be pushing three hours for 2012.  Of course I'll let you know. 

2012 - 2:29. <---------I will not shake a stick at that.

Here I am in 2006 with my running buddy Brett:

In 2007 Alason got me cupcakes!  

In 2009 I ran with Anna.  Jeez I'd really love to see that 'armpit fat' turn a little bit more into 'side boob', but it just ain't happening.

Break my leg! I mean Break a Leg, Me! 


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The Best, Most Epic Hal-isms EVER. (aka Vol. 27)

If recording my Dad's intimate voicemails and sharing them with the world is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Hal, in rapid-fire.

And for those of you who need transcription:

"Kady this morning I hear 'are you ready for breakfast, Sweetheart?' Guess who she was talking to? Me or the dog? Bye."

"I don't know if you remember me Kady but when you were a little girl I was your father. I'll...try to call you back."

"Kady. I am truly sick and your mom is laughing. And at ten minutes or twelve minutes to one. I can't take it anymore Kady. [mom laughing] Bye."

"Kady, I'm just callin' you back. Anyway. I shoulda let you tell your side of the stories or whatever, but...ah, God I wanted to say somethin' to ya. Um...well...I love ya. Let's see...what else? I think I'm just gonna shoot myself and so I should tell everybody once I love 'em and then I'll just um...won't have to pay for them dang glasses. Bye."

"Sorry to bother you. It's just your Dad. Bye."

"Kady. Here's one for you to tell the whole gol' dang world: You don't appreciate bladder control 'til you don't have it. Bye."

"Kady, it's your Dad, I found my glasses after a month and a...a month or better."

"Kady it's your Dad. Ah, Bye."

"Kady. Um, look up the word sabbatical you probably know more about it then I do, but, I've been watching these stupid movies where people's daughters disappear. Haaaah...I can't lose much more water, and I'm not talkin' about urine. We gotta talk. Bye."

"It's your dad Kady. I know you're busy and everything else is more important and. Make a buck. Anyway, the house is done as far as the siding and the venting and the sidewalks and the cee-ment. So...I'm just...some guy give me like...34...28...54...62 quarts of wine. So I'm just sittin' here, and there's three quarters of one...quart...Or a fifth, they're probably fifths, but anyway, but whatever they are there's three quarters of one. Now not there. Bye."

"Kady this is your Father and I just want to tell you that I love you and how wonderful it is to have you as a Daughter. I hope it's not the Beta Blocker I took earlier this morning. I hope it's for real...Bye."

"Kady it's your Dad those flowers are startin' to bloom along the Highway. A few here and there. Bye."

"If you've been mentally. Or no, no if you've been kidnapped, would you mentally telepathy me or something? I haven't heard from you! Anyway the flowers along the Highway here now are becoming quite regular the blooming of 'em it's not over with yet or it's not done. Lot left to go but it...they're here Kady and you can see clumps of 'em every once-in-a-while."

"Kady. Another Revelation. I just turned my dogs loose in my yard and they're just running around here. Tearing. The first time in two-and-a-half years other than when YOU let 'em out. know what? It don't seem to matter. They're just havin' fun. Bye."

"Kady it's your Dad, give me a call as soon as you can, will you? Bye."

"Call me or I'm gonna shoot Rowdy. That's the threat. Sick and tired of not hearin' your voice. Bye."

I called him right back.

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