Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The Best, Most Epic Hal-isms EVER. (aka Vol. 27)

If recording my Dad's intimate voicemails and sharing them with the world is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Hal, in rapid-fire.

And for those of you who need transcription:

"Kady this morning I hear 'are you ready for breakfast, Sweetheart?' Guess who she was talking to? Me or the dog? Bye."

"I don't know if you remember me Kady but when you were a little girl I was your father. I'll...try to call you back."

"Kady. I am truly sick and your mom is laughing. And at ten minutes or twelve minutes to one. I can't take it anymore Kady. [mom laughing] Bye."

"Kady, I'm just callin' you back. Anyway. I shoulda let you tell your side of the stories or whatever, but...ah, God I wanted to say somethin' to ya. Um...well...I love ya. Let's see...what else? I think I'm just gonna shoot myself and so I should tell everybody once I love 'em and then I'll just um...won't have to pay for them dang glasses. Bye."

"Sorry to bother you. It's just your Dad. Bye."

"Kady. Here's one for you to tell the whole gol' dang world: You don't appreciate bladder control 'til you don't have it. Bye."

"Kady, it's your Dad, I found my glasses after a month and a...a month or better."

"Kady it's your Dad. Ah, Bye."

"Kady. Um, look up the word sabbatical you probably know more about it then I do, but, I've been watching these stupid movies where people's daughters disappear. Haaaah...I can't lose much more water, and I'm not talkin' about urine. We gotta talk. Bye."

"It's your dad Kady. I know you're busy and everything else is more important and. Make a buck. Anyway, the house is done as far as the siding and the venting and the sidewalks and the cee-ment. So...I'm just...some guy give me like...34...28...54...62 quarts of wine. So I'm just sittin' here, and there's three quarters of one...quart...Or a fifth, they're probably fifths, but anyway, but whatever they are there's three quarters of one. Now not there. Bye."

"Kady this is your Father and I just want to tell you that I love you and how wonderful it is to have you as a Daughter. I hope it's not the Beta Blocker I took earlier this morning. I hope it's for real...Bye."

"Kady it's your Dad those flowers are startin' to bloom along the Highway. A few here and there. Bye."

"If you've been mentally. Or no, no if you've been kidnapped, would you mentally telepathy me or something? I haven't heard from you! Anyway the flowers along the Highway here now are becoming quite regular the blooming of 'em it's not over with yet or it's not done. Lot left to go but it...they're here Kady and you can see clumps of 'em every once-in-a-while."

"Kady. Another Revelation. I just turned my dogs loose in my yard and they're just running around here. Tearing. The first time in two-and-a-half years other than when YOU let 'em out. know what? It don't seem to matter. They're just havin' fun. Bye."

"Kady it's your Dad, give me a call as soon as you can, will you? Bye."

"Call me or I'm gonna shoot Rowdy. That's the threat. Sick and tired of not hearin' your voice. Bye."

I called him right back.


DB Stewart said...

Best Dad ever.

Devia said...

Love it. He is the best Dad ever!

Anonymous said...

so funny! i love the one about him being your father when you were a little girl.

Kerry said...

I'm so glad this didn't end tragically.

Azure said...

After reading this, I feel I understand you a little more.

Hobo Siren said...

Azure-- hahahaha! This is good stuff, Ma.

Anonymous said...

I cried and I laughed, not necessarily in that order. You are a very lucky gal to have a Dad who cares so much.

Anonymous said...

Roxie said..

Podcast to keep forever!
On the 2/13/12 call, do I detect a train in the background? It's an old familiar sound to made me perk up. :)

A Lady Reveals Nothing said...

Yep. My parents live right by the train tracks.

Kim said...

Which side?

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