"I ate three bowls of Trix and I thought, 'that wasn't very satisfying' and so I ate two bowls of Cheerios and then I ate four packets of fruit snacks. And a pound of yogurt. And then I took a four hour nap."
"I like to think you're nice and young and fun. But you're just decrepit."
"Like, someone could give me a week-old baby and I could raise that thing."
"You should learn how to belly dance so then when you jiggle your fat stomach it'll be sexy instead of just fat."
"Is this why you gave me these shorts?"