Misunderstanding

I got this text from my friend Laurissa who was vacationing in Greece:

Trendsetting

Sunday Favorites: Measuring Up

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to re-post an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. Enjoy! This story originally appeared on September 3, 2013:




So it's not like I'm obsessed about it, but I turned 36 this year. I was born in 1977. My niece Miyo has taken to calling me "Grandma" and "old lady" and when I protested, my mom pointed out that technically, I could be a Grandma. 

I always thought that at 36 I'd be all grown up. Except I frequently eat dinner over the kitchen sink and fall asleep in my clothes. My bedroom looks like the bedroom of a 16-year-old boy and I once found a chicken wing in my bed.

Today, I was feeling very curious about which celebrities are the same age as I am and how I stack up when making unfair comparisons to their lives. Here's what a simple Google search revealed:

Shakira, Singer. Born February 2, 1977. Married to that hot soccer player above and just had her first baby. Not a natural blonde, but it looks better on her than me. Fabulous poet-lyricist-singer. Amazing at belly dancing. Her hips do not lie.

Rob McElhenney, writer It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Rob was born April 14, 1977. He is married (to Kaitlin Olson who plays Dee on Sunny) and has a baby. He makes his living as a writer. Looks good, even when fat. Gets to work with Danny DeVito.

James Van Der Beek, aka Dawson, Dawson's Creek. James was born on March 8, 1977. He is married with two kids. He makes his living as an actor. He enjoys watching football and baseball.

Maggie Gyllenhaal, actor. She was born on November 16, 1977. Married to Peter Sarsgaard, two kids. Gorgeous. Has gotten paid to kiss The Dude. Nurses her children in public. (Google it.)

Orlando Bloom, actor. Born January 13, 1977. Likes to make millions by signing on to epic trilogies i.e. Pirates of the Caribbean and Lord of the Rings. Married to Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr. They have a baby. 

Robin Thicke, that guy Miley Cyrus twerked up on. Born March 10, 1977. Married. Baby. 

• Sarah Michelle Gellar, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. April 14, 1977. Married to Freddie Prinze Jr. Two kids.
• Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty, The Help. March 24, 1977. 2013 Oscar nominee. In a long term relationship. Named "Sexiest Actress Alive" by Glamour magazine.
• Liv Tyler, actor. July 1, 1977. Very famous dad. Has a son called Milo.
• Zachary Quinto, actor. June 2, 1977. Single. Hot. Gay. The new Spock.  
• Colin Hanks, actor. Son of Tom Hanks. November 24, 1977. Married. Two kids.
• Kerry Washington, actor. January 31, 1977. Married to a San Francisco 49'er.

The list goes on and on. Need I even mention Saved by the Bell's Dustin Diamond, aka Screech?

So far, the only ones I seem to be winning over are Brittany Murphy who is dead, and Edward Furlong who I thought was dead, but was arrested as recently as January 2013 for beating his wife. (However he does have a baby.) 

---

Meanwhile I get angry when my greasy hair can't make it one more day without a shampooing and I get a real sense of accomplishment when I finish a full season of some TV show all in one day.


SO: Which celebrities are from your birth year, and how do you measure up?

Good Friends

Oh we have fun:






Running on the beach...

Going wheeling...

You may remember that I was able to spend some very special time with my very good friends during their big wedding week. I'm happy to report they were able to make it my wedding (last minute! I couldn't believe it!)

original photo credit to Nylon Saddle Photography

Why I Got Married, Honestly

Because being single is hard.

Pedicure?

My sisters texted to see if I wanted to get pedicures -- I had just gotten one so I declined, but sent them this picture to be hilarious -- with the caption -- "Nope. I'm good."

Kasey goes, "gorgeous, what color is that? Broken Robin's Egg?"

hahahahahahahahaHAAHAHAAAAA

Little Red Hen

My parents came down for one of my mom's follow up cancer visits and I secretly took this picture of them sleeping on my air mattress (which by the way led to some seriously funny bickering/planning about how they were going to get out of it the next morning --) 

It's funny because they helped me SOOOOOOOO much with my remodel

Sunday Favorites: Whoever Said It's the Journey, Not the Destination Had it Only Partly Right

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to re-post an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. Enjoy! This story originally appeared on November 25, 2014:

If you want to get to the other side of the world, here is a little warning: It takes a long time. You will sleep for an hour at a stretch on the plane in a strange contortion of your body that is anything but comfortable. You will brush your teeth in the airport bathroom, and then wash out your armpits in the same sink. Your underwear will be very dirty and you will opt not to change them because the next pair are going to get just as dirty anyways. You will stand in one million lines behind one million idiots. The plane will shake and rumble and you will not grab Carol from Winona or Matthew from Melbourne or the husband of the lady from France's hand but you will want to, and you will give yourself permission to at the last minute when things get serious. You will put your passport back in your purse even though somebody will need to see it again in 30 seconds. You will ride a train all the way to gate D and then find out your plane leaves from gate B. You will make friends on that train with John and Tricia from Nashville, en route to Italy to stay for the 9th time with friends they made just by eating at their restaurant. You will make such good friends with them, in fact, that after the six minute train ride, you will hug them and he will kiss your cheek and they will wish you luck and tell you to be safe and you will say have fun! and you will wish you could see them again but you can't. You will ask the flight attendants to please let you go up and down the spiral staircase because you've never been on a double-decker airplane before and they will let you and then you remember that you totally have been on one, you think, with your sister Kim, but you can't be sure. Maybe you're just thinking of Snakes on a Plane. Some lady will cut the customs line in front of you and your eyebrows will raise because WHATS THE HURRY and then her husband will see your eyebrows raise and you will feel bad because WHATS THE BIG DEAL and then you will wave your hand GO AHEAD and then you will both laugh. You will put a sticker on the bandanna you brought to wipe sweat and catch sneezes but mainly to act as an eye mask on the plane and it will say "please wake me up for meal service". You will help Carol from Winona with her seatbelt, her headphones, her TV, the bathroom, and her Immigration card. You will choose the salmon bisque but only actually eat the mashed potatoes because you are a fake vegetarian but really you're just not hungry because WHAT TIME IS IT? You will watch Lucy, Edge of Tomorrow, and Boyhood and several episodes of 30 Rock and you will get mad when the captain interrupts any one of them to tell you something important in another language. You will decide that fine, you will watch Guardians of the Galaxy, but only because other people are watching it around you and WHATS THE DEAL WITH THE RACCOON but you will be too tired and you will fall asleep instead. You will read a half-chapter of your book at a time and then fall asleep and then put it down and not remember anything you read. Matthew from Melbourne will tell you about his severe nut allergy and how on the way to London he had to ride the plane connected to an oxygen tank for four hours and you'll feel bad that you made fun of his gluten free sandwich. "It's all they had for me", he'll say, and you'll selfishly take the two free seats between you but unselfishly put your head next to him and your butt far away because you're feeling gassy. You will ask strangers to watch your things while you go to the bathroom and you will hope for the best. You will be seen in this getup because you're going to Africa but the airplane is freezing, and you won't even be the slightest bit ashamed:

Your body will say, "wait a minute, where are we?!?" and refuse to poop after teasing you with feelings of having to poop. You will hold your head high because you are a seasoned traveler who carried on and it takes only seconds to get your shoes off and your liquids out and your suitcase up on the X-ray machine belt and this being in airports feels SO GOOD because you're GOING SOMEWHERE and you will laugh at yourself and your ego and dip your head a little because it was probably holding itself up too high. You will make jokes with every. single. person. you encounter but less than 6% of them will laugh or even get it but who cares, you're GOING SOMEWHERE! You will wish you had the courage to ask the men in Dubai who wear those beautiful white robe-dresses to the floor with beautiful checkered scarves on their heads for a picture but you don't because they're a culture, not a tourist attraction plus you're worried because you have ignorant prejudices about their opinions of women but later you wish you had gotten that photo anyways.

You will patiently wait until everybody gets their bags from the overhead compartments but HURRY UP ALREADY JEEZ and then finally you will get off the very last plane and you will want to kiss the ground but you don't because EW and then you will see this...:

...and you will cry a little because it's so good to be here and you're sleep-deprived and then you will arrogantly walk right by all of the people trying to get you to rent a car because you thought ahead and reserved one and the steering wheel will be on the right and the stick shift on the left and you will grind the gears in front of the man and you will hit the windshield wipers instead of the blinkers but who cares because YOU'RE HERE.

Canning Shelves

There's not a lot of storage in my new place -- so ya gotta get creative -- I asked Zach to build me some shelves for excess kitchen stuff under the steps and they turned out really cool. 

This photo's credit to our wedding photographer: Nicole Feest at Nylon Saddle Photography

The House

I'm going to catch up and post lots of "remodel updates" (we're currently at the sheetrock stage of the saga) but here are a couple shots of my finished house:

Sheetrock

I think we left off with insulation when I last posted about the progress of the house remodel. Keep in mind these pics are all several months old now -- but I still think it's fun to see the progress.

I hired my chiropractor's brother to do the sheet rock -- his crew did such a nice job with the hanging, mudding and taping. I was so impressed -- out of all the subcontractors I hired up until that point, they were the only ones who showed up on time, finished on time, stayed on budget, and cleaned up after themselves.

And of all the work that was done, in my opinion it's the sheet rock that is most satisfying, because that's the point at which your construction zone starts looking like a real house.

Hal-isms, Vol. 63

"Meth and Zika: It's a volatile cocktail. You cannot to both."

"You know what I don't do? I don't take my dogs to Zikaville in Mexico and they come back with small heads."

"People always say 'oh, he crapped his pants.' But really, he just failed to sit down in time. That's the problem."

"I learn by experience Kady. Because I'm old now and I can't see. I can't hear, I can't smell and I can't feel. So I experience things and then I put them in my repertoire."

Sunday Favorites: My 15 Hours in Kenya

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to re-post an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. Enjoy! This story originally appeared on December 30, 2014:



On the way from Seychelles to Mozambique, I had an overnight layover in Nairobi, Kenya. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to leave the airport because of visa requirements. Sarah's friend from Nairobi was traveling and so she couldn't host me, and so I sent out a couchsurfing request just in case. The woman who responded told me that I could just pay $25 for a "transit visa" and leave the airport no problem.

However, she couldn't host me either because although she lived close to the airport, traffic is so bad that it would have taken me two hours to get to her place and two hours to get back to the airport and there goes my good nights' sleep. 

SO -- I had no plan except plan B: Sleep in the airport. I have done this. It is no fun. 

On the little bus that takes you from the airplane to the airport I met Jackie, the nicest person in the whole world. She told me that I absolutely had to get to the game park and then physically walked me through customs, (VIP line - she's a diplomat), and then waited for me to go to the bathroom which included brushing my teeth and washing my face, brought me out of the airport, arranged for a taxi service to take me to the game park, then to a famous restaurant called "Carnivore" (think Fogo de Chao) and then back to a hotel near the airport and THEN in the morning from the hotel to the airport. I keep forgetting to email her a thank you note. This reminds me I GOTTA DO THAT.

Everything went pretty swell, except traffic IS really bad and so we got to the game park 10 minutes too late and they wouldn't let me in, no matter how hard I told them that I was from Minnesota and we don't have elephants there and I only had one night and all I got was a mean mean lady saying "it is impossible."

So my poor driver just took me to an animal orphanage instead, and that was really really fun because there were lots of cute kids there and we played and played.

And my driver taught me how to speak Swahili...the important parts anyways:

Jambo - hello

Mishkuru kutana nawewe - nice to meet you

Asante - thank you

Tuko salama - we are ok

Kwaheri - goodbye

Tafhadali - excuse me

Sina pesa - I don't have any money

I am in this picture -- can you find me?

Check this out. The older boy was running back and forth and the lions were copying him! I about died at how cute and awesome it was and then his little brother and I got involved and the driver took a video. Pretty cool.

 KENYA!!!

Prince, Vol. 2

My mom informed all of us kids of Prince's 9:30am death.

At 5:30pm.

Prince

Prince died yesterday. I got a call from a co-worker who told me the news. So, I yelled out, "PRINCE DIED!" to my office (similar to how on February 8, 2007 I yelled out "ANNA NICOLE SMITH IS DEAD!" to my office (they rely on me for celebrity news).

Anyway everybody in Minnesota is grieving in one way or another. We've lit up our Capitol building and many bridges with purple lights. A free block party and a free dance party at First Avenue was organized. About a bajillion people showed up and danced all night. They were still lining up to get in at 3:30am.

A facebook friend of mine posted that she called her dad after hearing the news and this was their conversation:

"Dad!"
"I know. I just heard."
"Heard what?"
"Prince is dead."
"Oh no - it IS real."
Moment of silence...


How sweet. They shared something together. A love of Prince and his music.

Curious, I called my own dad. This was our conversation:

"Dad! Prince is dead!"

"WELL WHAT THE HELL DO I CARE?"

I guess we share something else.

Roomies

My niece Hanna got married in January, but her roommate apartment broke up around November 1st. So I told her she could move in with me for the interim three months.

Hanna is cute and hilarious and we joke around a lot but living together was sort of terrifying. I told her to bring three pairs of underwear and one bra and a toothbrush and one change of clothes because my house is too tiny for a bunch of crap, but she didn't listen.

Move in day!

And then I told her she didn't have to pay rent or buy groceries and I would drive her to work every single morning so she wouldn't have to spend an hour on the bus as long as she cleaned my house top to bottom with a toothbrush once a week. A small price to pay in my estimation. I told her that it wasn't going to seem fair but I was going to be insanely irritated if she left one spoon in the sink, meanwhile I would probably have seventeen wine glasses in, on, under and around the bed. And it would be her job to pick them up and wash them.

But she didn't listen.

Her side of the bed

And one time I came home to find this business. I about freaked out! But instead I shamed her on Instagram in front of all of her friends:

We had a blast though. We hung out in bed and watched one million episodes of Gossip Girl and shared this giant Rice Krispie Bar and had a million hilarious conversations about her crazy dreams.

...and sometimes she did a chore or two.

The Worst Kind of Turd is an Honest One, Vol. 5

I got this text from my little turd nice Hanna the other day...

See? Turd.

She makes a good point. In all cases. I did get married. I haven't written a post here in forever. I don't know what to write now that I can't use my "I'm going to die alone and be eaten by my cats" shtick. 

And, my husband "builds me adorable custom shelving":

Adorable Custom Shelving

I guess I'll have to write about funny things that happen to married people. Like, seriously, this guy has NO Netflix etiquette. He watches OUR show by himSELF just because I fall asleep everytime the TV is on.

It's not that funny. I know.

Hal-isms, Vol. 62

"I should go in the bathroom. I have cramps."

"I'm a reasonable person. Actually, I think I'm quite wonderful."

"I'm not used to un-Norwegians."

"There's another one. Walkin'. With a grocery bag. That's all you do down here."

"Well, I better put my eye drops in and go to bed. You know what I don't have? Baby Aspirin."

"I raised you kids by telling each one I loved the other one."

Joys of Living in Construction Debris

When you have to use your rear-facing camera for a mirror because your house isn't done yet:

Some Up North Fishin' Photos for your Viewing Pleasure