Thursday, August 7, 2014

Soul Glo, (An Appendectomy Aside)

I ended up in Urgent Care sometime after being released from the hospital and that's a whole other long forthcoming story (thanks for your patience).

Basically I had a very bad night of pain and my sister Kasey graciously took me in and sat with me for what turned out to be a five-hour ordeal. Most of that five hours was spent waiting for the lab results on a simple blood draw to confirm that my white blood cell count was no longer elevated. And most of that waiting was spent in the chair that you sit in while a nurse takes your blood pressure inside a room within the Urgent Care. Kasey took the extra chair near the door and we chit-chatted about this and that. Mostly how IRRITATING it is to go to Urgent Care and wait for five hours.

During this chit-chat I rested my head on the wall.

At some point I moved my head. 

But my hair was stuck.

To the wall.

I screamed and she unstuck it and we looked to see what was so sticky. Well, it was the collective greasy-head spot of all the previous patients. Obviously.

Well, would you have believed me if I hadn't taken a photo?

So, here we have two Hexum girls, alone in a Doctor's Office with a grease spot on the wall, right where one of their heads were resting just moments earlier.

Here's what happens next. And you can apply this to basically any uncomfortable situation a Hexum girl might find herself in. It's a pretty standard, no-deviations formula:

1) Freak Out
2) Breathe Lamaze-style
3) Dance quickly, back and forth, from one foot to the other, arms bent at elbows, palms pulsing down toward the floor
4) Continue breathing Lamaze-style. (Never stop breathing Lamaze-style)
5) Take a photo
6) Fix the problem, so that nobody thinks you did it. Do this QUICKLY so nobody catches you doing it

7) Freak Out again
8) Breathe, Lamaze-style
9) Laugh hysterically
10) Start crying from laughing so hard
11) Laugh more because she's crying too
12) Cross legs to prevent pee from coming out
13) Laugh at other Hexum girl doing same
14) Pee a little
15) Grab crotch with one hand to stop the pee and wave opposite hand in front of face
16) Say maniacally, "I PEED A LITTLE!"
17) Laugh at her for saying "ME TOO!"
18) Repeat steps 8-16 until somebody walks in the room

1 comment:

Mom said...

What river was I swimming in when you two were spawned? were you? Really. In reality. Actually.

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