"I like the movies. But they could cut the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff."
"A stabbing? Body bags? Automatic weapons? That's scary, even to me."
"I hate it when women crap their pants and then stand around and cry about it."
"When I die I'm gonna take my $34, split it up as even as I can, give it to you kids, and then whatever's left we'll put an ad in the paper. 'Hal's dead. Chevy for sale.'"
Me: "I have a question about dairy cows." Hal: (without waiting for the question) "Four teats."