Old Lady Kady Contest

Don't forget to cast your vote in Summer's hilarious "Old Lady Kady" photo contest:


http://www.hobosiren.com/2012/02/old-lady-kady-contest-submissions.html





Old Lady Summer:

My New Header and some Friday Blog Love

I hope you like my new blog header.

I totally stole it from Sarah Von of Yes and Yes, whose blog I adore and sponsored last month as part of a Blog Doctor guinea pig program.  She featured my blog and created a cute little photo banner for me...and I liked it so much I decided I had to steal use it for my new header.

Click on the photo below to follow her blog.  You might learn something new about yourself (or cats in vests.)

Landlord Advice

It's true that some people have to learn the hard way.  But that doesn't have to be you.  Don't make the same mistakes I've made!

Let's say you've spent the last four weeks caulking bathtubs and replacing smoke detector batteries and fixing faucet leaks and pulling gobs of hair from drains and painting entire floors and toothbrushing toilets and Chinese-New-Year cleaning in order to bring your beloved home up to Minneapolis City Code by way of one-hundred point checklist...in order to pass a $1000 inspection to obtain a $69 license so that you can find a renter suitable to live in the house you have nurtured and loved immeasurably over the past nine years...

...better not to explain to said renter (especially if that person is an attractive professional manly-man) how your new living situation has a precariously placed bathroom off your Hosts' kitchen, within earshot and smellshot of the entire first floor.  Do NOT further explain that you feel like you're "on stage" every time you go in there.  It's also not necessary to tell him you're thinking of "changing your schedule" while pointing to your colon.  

Oh Man

Can Eva Mendes do this, Ryan Gosling?  I bet she doesn't even have a hat with a little animal on it.  Or a fluorescent vest.




 

Jokes I Think of Too Late

I really wish I could go back in time sometimes and say a really funny thing after that other thing happened.

Like that time when I got stuck in the elevator at work.

Don't you think it would have been hilarious if I had stripped down to my tank top, strewn all my stuff all over the elevator, messed my hair all up, and was in squatting position, eating my sauerkraut with my hand when the doors opened and my whole office was standing outside?  I could have talked to them in the made-up grunt language I was forced to use because I had no one to talk to for so long stuck in that elevator.


"Tay inna wiiiiih"

I actually HOPE I get stuck again.  I won't screw up such a choice opportunity a second time.

Three Kitchen Items I Bring With Me Wherever I Go

When I'm living out of a suitcase (or two), obviously I have to keep my belongings to a minimum so that I can fit them back into that suitcase when it's time to move again.

That's not a lot of space.  So, what kitchen items do I tuck inside my underwear and jeans, and move around the country with me so that I can feel a tiny sense of normalcy in my "homes away from homelessness"?

# 1 Cook's knife and Cutting Board:
(Yes, that's two things but they go together.  Shut up.)

You know I love chopping vegetables.  It's probably my favorite activity, after pinching zits and singing karaoke.  So for me it was worth investing in a really good all-purpose knife (back when I had a real job, of course.)  My Cook's knife was expensive, but I use it for every single knife job in the kitchen.  Meat, tomatoes, fruit, veggies, everything.  If you have some knife skills this puppy'll mince your garlic super tiny.  I've had it for years and I only sharpen it like once a year because that's when I see my mom and dad and I make them do it. 

My cutting board is just a standard wooden number that I picked up at World Market years ago.  Most furnished apartments stock plastic cutting boards and that just does not work for me.  I prefer wood to plastic 1,000 times over and so I bring mine wherever I go.  

#2.

Pour-Over Coffee Maker:

This is how the Brazilians make their coffee.  And the Brazilians are crazy for coffee.  Summer teases me because I call this my "pour-over machine".  But it doesn't do anything.  It just sits on top of your coffee cup and basically holds the filter in place while you slowly pour hot water over your grounds and voila!  I swear pour-over makes the very best coffee.  If you're making for more than one person then you just use more grounds and a bigger container underneath.  Easy.  You can pick one up for less than five bucks.  Starbucks also sells porcelain versions if you're not into plastic.

#3.
My 'K' Coffee Cup:

Summer gave this to me.  It makes me feel like I belong wherever I am.  K is for Kady!

BONUS ITEM:

And, if I have the luxury of driving to my destination, thus facilitating a little more extravagance in the items I choose to bring, I will add a fourth bonus kitchen item:

#4.

Electric Kettle:

Most other people in the world employ this handy little dandy.  Why Americans do not I'll never know.  They're just not as popular here, so they're a little harder to find.  I picked mine up at Herberger's I think for about $35.  It's made by Black & Decker.  I use it in the morning for my pour-over coffee and at night for my Hot Toddies.  Obviously you can heat water in any pot or a tea kettle on the stove, but once you've used an electric kettle you'll understand.  They're just ten times faster.  I've even been known to get my pasta water boiling in the kettle so I don't have to wait forever for the pot.  

Sunday Favorites: The Toenail

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing?  You've missed SO MUCH.  Not to worry.  Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite.  Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day.  Enjoy!  This story first appeared on October 14, 2010:

"I Risked my Life to Take This Photo"

I see so many problems with this kind of big toe nail. 

1)  Can't wear tennis shoes.

2)  Can't wear socks.

3)  Can't run in bare feet.

4)  Can't get that pesky pinky toenail to stay stuck on.

5)  Can't pee in a public restroom without having a photo of your foot taken.

In the end I was able to get a photo without much ado.  The worst part of this whole scenario is that my camera flashed.  I thought maybe I could get away with the sound only...but then the flash happened.  Not to mention that it is completely illegal to take photos in public restrooms.  (duh).  I pictured that lady getting up and then wiping and then kicking the crap out of me.  Without washing her hands first.  Cuz a lady with that kind of pedicure ain't messin' around.

I got a great comment on this original post, from Anonymous my friend Cory:

I done said...

Just think of the can do's: catch and then cut the head of a lizard. Really scratch the back of your knee good. Scratch someone else real good. Self defense comes to mind. Aids in swimming-more thrust. Point with big toe more accurately. Ahhh, create shade for a small insect. Place to put your gum whilst eating. Bare foot tap dance. I could go on but I think you get the point. 

Uncle Aaron's Rebuttle

You may remember I wrote my aunt Julie in 1985 to "tell Aaron to pull his pants up, will ya?"

He just saw that post. And texted that 20 year old sweats with moccasins are the new thing. And I said "oh that's going on my blog."

Friday Blog Love

This week's shout out goes to Kerry at Ed and Reub.

Ed and Reub are the dogs.  Kerry is a teacher, a fantastic photographer, and a new Grandma!  I love Kerry because she posts the most hilarious comments on my blog.

I stole this photo from her main page.  I'm sure she won't mind ;)

This post makes me die because Summer is constantly pointing gun fingers and saying in a very high pitched squeal, "Pew Pew".  Turns out it's actually "Puce Puce".


Check out this post.  To die for.

Dunderhead

I'm trying to get my house ready for the renter who is moving in on Saturday, and as a result have been painting every free moment for the last week-and-a-half.  I had help last weekend, and finished almost everything except for a few 'second coats' here and there.  My plan was to finish up completely last night but when I got home from the gym after work I went straight to bed for a quick snoozer.  That was at 7:30pm.  I slept until 6am.  And it was delicious...but I had to get up and finish painting what I didn't paint the night before.

Let me tell you I am SO over painting.

I was doing a cut in, trimming up the sides of one of the walls in my bedroom when my brush got a little dry.  Gingerly, carefully, slowly so as not to hit the sides, I dipped my paintbrush in my coffee cup.

Don't worry.  I didn't dip it in the box of wine.

Nostalgia

Please forgive another post about childhood writing.  You see, I'm packing to move AGAIN and have been coming across a lot of great old relics.

These letters came from Auntie Julie, who saved them and later sent me photocopies.  The first two are from when I first started to learn to read and write.  I was three.  (I was very smart.  Unfortunately I peaked at about eight.)

DAR [sic] JULIE
FROM 
TO JULIE
FROM KADY
JULIE
I LOVE
YOU
HOW
JULIE
JASON
IS
MY
BOYFREIND [sic]

Why on earth would I scribble out 'I LOVE YOU'?  Well I didn't.  See below.

KASEY
DID THAT
SCRIBBLE
I CRIED
SO MOM
HIT HER
BUT THATS
OOOK
YOU CAN
STILL
READ IT

Justice was served.  "I cried so mom hit her."

The next one is dated November 1984.  Seven years old.

Dear Julie,
I'm sorry I didn't write to your
letter.  School  School is great.
We're talking about camma's [sic] and conten(?)
I'm in batton [sic] and I'm in group 4 and I've
been in for a month month
I really miss you soooooooooooooo
so much I I realy [sic] miss you
sooooooooooooooooooooo much
There's a picture on the back
I got a cabbage patch
Named Ethen Nathanial!
Love Kady

The cabbage patch was actually Kasey's.  My dad found it in the dumpster at our apartment complex.  It was naked and had a noose around its neck.  My dad didn't bother to take the noose off before presenting it to Kasey.  We were over the moon.

Julie     November
Sorry I didn't write to you the other

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"   Everybody gets boobs.  Except Julie.  Annie eyes.

This next one isn't dated, but judging by 'The Goonies' reference, it was 1985 and I was eight years old.

[picture of lips] "smack"
Dear Julie,
How are you?  We haven't
ben [sic] writing for a long time
cuz' I ben [sic] writin' letters
to other people.  Mandy (our
dog) just had baby pups their [sic]
cute their [sic] so tiny.  Gosh I 
hardly got any-thing to say
but I guess I can manage.  Do you 
think you can tell Aaron to
pull up his pants alright. Tell
Debbie I said, "HI" O.K.
We watched this one movie
called 'The Goonies' it wo-
uld be the best show you ev-
er saw ah it is good you 
should see it (if you didn't
see it) there's this one man
in the show he has one eye
down by his nose and has ab-
our 4 (four) teeth in his mouth
it's just cool.  See on
the next B side.  turn over

like I said I don't got any
thing to say I better go cuz' 
I got a lotta writin' to do.




Love,


Kady
Hexum


P.S. Love ya sooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
[picture of arms hugging]
much
Bye

I got nothing to say.  But I got a lotta writin' to do.

Always the Writer/Poet/Dreamer

You may not be able to handle the cuteness of this post.  Just a warning.  I.  Used to be.  So.  Cute.

A few years ago, I got a call from my second grade teacher Mrs. Myer.  She and I are pictured here:

If you can guess who I am you are amazing.
Second row, second from right.  Pink imitation polo.  Duh.  How cool was Adam Aili, with his hands tucked in his pants?  (Poor Adam Stromstad in the front with his sideways tucked in shirt.  You know his mom was embarrassed about that.)   And poor Mrs. Myer.  White tights?  Brown shoes?  Come ON.  I can't even spin that.

Anyway,  Mrs. Myer was so sweet.  She said that she had been saving a little poem that I had written and she wanted me to have it.  She was apt to save her students' best work and then return it to them post-high school.  Here, for your reading pleasure, is the poem that I wrote when I was seven, cerca 1984/5.

(Either I had or had not heard of iambic pentameter.)

I Wish I had an Animal
by Kady

Dreaming of poodles.  While cats remain trapped, below.

Amigo                     (*huh?)
His mother said,
Come Pete my son.
Tell me why your eyes are
sad My little one.  His father
said, How quiet you are
let me play a tune
on my old guitar.

Can you see the detail on that "H"?  Vines.  Like the beginning of all good story books.  That guitar is awfully big, BTW. Plus everybody knows guitars have six strings.  Idiot.

First of all, it's interesting that my poem is written from the point of view of my brother, Pete.  Maybe I was scared my parents would know that it was ME who really wanted a pet.  Better to lay the blame on poor Pete.  Second of all, my dad has never and will never "play a tune on my old guitar" because he doesn't play guitar.  It's true he might have had a beard, but the T-shirt slogan seems unfair:

Beer is all I dri-

nk

I don't think that's a fair representation of my dad.  He was more a Whiskey Sour guy.  Also he was never bald.

I want a cat any
old cat or something like
that.  A dog any old dog
or at liest [sic] a frog.  please
could I have a frog, or a
dog.  or a cat or something
like that

I remember being kind of proud of being able to draw poodles so well.  But what about the back end?  Who knows.  I like how I decided to scribble out and use "or something like that" later...moments later.

puppies are neat 
they always curl up at my 
feet.  Raccons [sic] have dark
black masks they scurry
to do their many tasks
they wash their food before
they eat something good
something sweet.

I realize now as an adult...raccons [sic] eat neither good nor sweet things.  They eat mostly garbage.

Now this is my favorite part.  It's all iambicly perfect, rhyme-y, and adorable:


as I said before to you
I want a cat with a eyes of blue
one that tries to look her 
best that washes wat east
and washes west that
washes north and washes
south with the washcloth
washcloth in her mouth

The tail is a little scary.  But that tongue.  That washcloth tongue.  I think I got the point across.  [Annie eyes.]

and papa if you think I want
a bird I think it is my 
prayers you've heard
I'd never turn on 
the big T.V. I'd rather
play with a bird in a tree

Ha!  Big T.V.  We didn't even HAVE a TV.  And somehow ol' Hal got a severe combover here.  And a new name.  Papa?  I never called him that.  Ew.  Weird.  "Papa can you hear me?  Papa can you see me?"  It's so...Yentl.  Not so...Hexum.  Even my combover 'papa' is like "?" in his thought bubble.    Why is the tree grabbing my boob?  And why am I me?  Wasn't I my brother Pete?  [Annie eyes again.]

The End


card

If you want to check out this book, it is available.  ...Strange.  It hasn't been checked out once since 1985?

Hal-isms, Vol. 21

"You misquote me at times in that magazine of yours."

"My memory must not be as good as your abbreviations."

"Kelly's off the list.  You're back on top.  She challenged me to a couple things and then remembered stuff from years ago I didn't do."

Sorry Kelly.  It's clear I had "favorite daughter" locked in years ago.

Sunday Favorites: Why I Love and Hate Flying

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing?  You've missed SO MUCH.  Not to worry.  Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite.  Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day.  Enjoy!  This story first appeared October 11, 2008:




Favorite things about flying:

1. The plane usually is going somewhere cool.

2. Walking around with just a tiny backpack and everybody else has huge wheeled luggage.

3. Feeling independent and cool being a lone traveler.

4. Being able to cure myself of ear-popping by holding my nose and blowing out my ears.

5. Farting, but knowing nobody would ever blame it on cute lil' me.

6. Day dreaming about a crash where I am the hero, and I selflessly help everyone out of the plane. Sometimes I die, but sometimes I become the surrogate mother of the baby I saved who had no other family.

Least favorite things about flying:

1. All the farting that goes on. SHEESH! Maybe the atmospheric pressure change causes gaseous noxiousicity to happen...I don't know but planes constantly smell like poop.

2. Sitting next to people who don't have the good sense to put their arms in front of them, rather than in my seat; when I clearly am leaning waaaaay over to make room for their dumb arm.

3. Poor little babies crying the whole way.

4. Having to pay for ginger ale :(

5. Waking up and noticing that I had my head leaned back and my mouth open.

6. Waking myself up with a snort.

7. Having to pee so bad and the stupid Fasten Seat Belt is ON THE WHOLE TIME.

8. Sitting next to ladies who think their perfume smells so good that they need to bathe in it.

9. Finding wads of hair in your hand when all you wanted was to find the seat belt that fell below the seat.

10. Day dreaming about that crash again, but this time worrying that everybody will push past me and I will get stuck and burn to death.

Something...Seems...Off?

"I'm sorry -- you have two caterpillars crawling across...do you want me to...no?  OK."

Today's fortune cookie:

"YOUR INFLUENCE HAS A PROFOUND IMPACT ON OTHERS."

Yes everyone.  Caterpillar eyebrows are the new groomed eyebrows.

Friday Blog Love

This family adopted the "Zero Waste" lifestyle a few years back.  Seriously.  Zero Waste.  They're the kind of family whose garbage-in-an-entire-year-can-fit-in-a-thimble.  Even if you're not ready to make the Zero Waste leap, you can sure learn a thing-or-two about reducing waste from this awesome blog!

The Zero Waste Home

Refuse, Refuse, Refuse.  Then reduce, reuse, recycle.

Guest Post: Exploring The Twitter, by Minty Wafflefarmer

Looking for some insight on The Twitter? I'm still learning how the whole thing works. I follow a guy by the name of "Minty Wafflefarmer" and he makes me laugh every day. If you're not following, do it now.  I asked "Minty" to write a guest post to bring us up to speed on this whole Twitting thing, and he has also included his favorite Tweeters! Enjoy~ A Lady Reveals Nothing

Hello Internet word renderers,

My name is Minty Wafflefarmer (not a real name) and i use the "twitter handle" @australianimal and i am going to write about some things to do on the interwebz when you are bored or in the middle of a "very important" work meeting or job interview.

First off, there's the website called Twitter www.twitter.com Its pretty new. Maybe you've heard of it? Some people don't understand Twitter. Its kind of weird. Twitter can be used for many things, but most newcomers are like "what is this? a bunch of Facebook statuseses?" because you only get 140 characters to put in a thought or something. For example you could put:

"I just brushed my teeth, but instead of toothpaste I grabbed the Preparation H. OH NO!" 

You can be a little share bear about any or every part of your daily life. Lots of REAL CERTIFIED CELEBRITIES are on Twitter and do just that. That can be for some people I guess. But for me, I am enjoying using Twitter to tell little short "jokes". I am on there anonymously and I enjoy putting strange silly little one-three liner jokes which hopefully will make some of my followers chuckle. I guess it's like pretending I am a stand up comedian and the followers are members in the audience. Anyway, you can get feedback on your jokes if you link your Twitter account to a service called Favstar. (www.favstar.fm) When someone retweets a tweet of yours or Favorites it, Favstar counts up each of those for each tweet you do and then you can see if a joke you told was funny to however many different people. Its like the laughs at a comedy show?  Here's a tweet I did awhile ago:

"When Renee Zellweger was little she'd ask her mom, "Can I be an actress when I grow up?" Her mom was all SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR LEMONS."

Here is a list of people on Twitter that I think write the most consistently funny jokes. Most are good clean fun, but: "Language Warning" sometimes.

@trumpetcake 

@Matty_Softmitts

@Cheeseboy22

@christianduguay

@fleshcake

@bridger_w

@MarylandMudflap

@lizard_wizard77

@badbanana

@outerjohn

@kramediggles

@sbellelauren

@TheSofiya

@markleggett

@AmberTozer

@wolfpupy

@shelbyfero

@MaybeNotSteve

@meganamram 

You know what other sites are good for fun? www.pinterest.com and www.stumbleupon.com my goodness you could waste so much time on those and still have more fun than "going outside" also don't forget Words with Friends and Instagram if you haven't yet tried those/live in a cave. :) Thanks for your time today and follow me on twitter for a giggle or 40 or none depending on your tastes. 

Signed,

 the albino koala "Minty Wafflefarmer" https://twitter.com/#!/Australianimal

Shhhhhh!  Minty sleepy!

Currently Obsessed With...

...Lush Shampoo and Conditioner

You can find Lush in some Macy's, and they also have their own storefronts too.  Their products are handmade, they don't test on animals, and they try to use as little packaging as possible.

BIG.  It's shampoo.  But it's got coarse sea salt in it which just gives your hair tons of volume.  Tons.  This is why swimming in the ocean is so good for your hair.  But we're not all lucky enough to live next to an ocean.  It lathers up so thick too, so you're also going to get a nice clean shampooing.

Veganese conditioner.  It's Vegan, thus the name.  This stuff smells SO good and won't weigh down all the good you just did volumizing with BIG.

This is me before BIG and Veganese:

And this is me after:

**Bonus product review: Aromaco deodorant bar.  It has Chamomile vinegar, which "tightens pores, acts as an antibacterial agent and soothes the skin"; Patchouli, which "kills bacteria and soothes the skin";  Baking Soda and Witch Hazel.  Great option for folks who don't want to use regular deodorant (me.)  I recommend storing in a ziplock bag, and also getting the bar a little wet first otherwise you'll rub the skin right off your underarm as the bar can get pretty dry.

Meet the New Mr. A Lady Reveals Nothing!

Mom, Dad,
Meet your new future son-in-law (As long as his Widow doesn't mind):

Ted Hawkins.  He's gorgeous, he's a musician, and just listen to how he loves his woman.  If this song isn't your favorite song in about 30 seconds, there's something seriously wrong with you.





"What do you want from the liquor store?  Something sour, or something sweet?
I'll buy you all that your belly can hold.  You can be sure you won't suffer no more."

I love this whole album.

Summer-isms, Vol. 23

"I like a Katy Perry song."

"What do you call sportspeople?  Oh.  Athletes.  Athletes are the most uninteresting people in the world.  Unless it's David Beckham."

"What if we got accused of killing each other and we DID?"

"It was the 90s.  I mean it was 2001."

"Oh no!  I still think I'm 23."