SHARKNADO!!

I must see this movie.

Sunday Favorites: The Tuxedo

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. This story originally appeared on October 25, 2010:

My friend tells me the most hilarious story from when he was a leetle tiny boy:
Unfortunately, he peed his pants at school. He hoped to get away with it. Nope. His friends were like, "did you pee your pants?" 

His answer? 
"No. Uh....my mom accidentally washed my jeans with my dad's tuxedo."

The following are the details of the story that make me DIE:
A. Not only did he NOT pee his pants...
B. He asserted that his family was rich and his dad had a tuxedo.
C. He clearly didn't do his research. You can't WASH a tuxedo in the washing machine.
D. If you DID wash a tuxedo in the washing machine, with your little kids play jeans, would it bleed onto the jeans? In the crotch? NO.

Summer-isms, Vol. 55

"My outfit doesn't even match my outfit."

"I have no self control when it comes to roasted chicken. I could eat the whole thing."

"I don't know how the Lady and the Tramp song goes."

"I'd rather have diarrhea any day of the week."

"New Orleans was my pork awakening."

2012 vs. 2013

Same dad...antagonizing the same dog in the same yard in front of the same garage. What's different?

 

 

RIP, little Acura.

 

Lady's Slipper Hunting

It's that time of year again, folks! Maybe my favorite...

 

I'm visiting my parents this week and today my Dad and I went out hunting for the Minnesota State Flower, the Showy Lady's Slipper. Two years ago they were primarily of the pink-and-white variety, and we saw a few yellow ones as well. We haven't seen any yellows this year, but instead have seen TONS of straight white lady's slippers. TONS! (I thought they didn't exist).

They grow in the ditches along the highway next to my parents' place. And there are millions!

 

The elusive white!

White!

 

Present Time!

Parents and smart phones. Something's not quite right. I say: Bring a little nostalgia into the picture!! 

eBay: search for "retro handset smartphone". Now she can put the dumb phone in her purse and talk like a NORMAL PERSON on her headset. (She had been getting a little too "Real Housewives" for my taste...always putting people on speaker and holding the phone in front of her mouth.)

p.s. Extra favorite daughter points for matching the headset to the phone.

Sunday Favorites: The SL-Serc-hos

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. This story originally appeared on February 8, 2012 when I was working for a meter company in Arizona:

Speaking of Fashion Shows and professional photography...I'm feeling nostalgic for the high fashion workwear that Summer and I donned while programming water meters in Oro Valley, Arizona.  SL-Serco asked us to model for their fall catalogue.  We knew that we couldn't leave without documenting the fabulousness so during our last week together we made an appointment for a studio shoot.

You'll forgive the poor quality, as these are merely photos of the photos.  

All are property of Sears Portrait Studio.

Gloves.  Kneepads.  Radio equipment.

The jump shot.  Classic.

"Sir, my friend Kady here is looking for the flood."

Here are some pics of the whole Oro Valley (Tucson) crew.  What a bunch of great sports:

This is how we got at those hard to reach pits.

LtR: Summer, Tyler, Clayton, Kady, Nate

Our motley crew installed 1200 water meters and programmed close to 1400 radios in just six weeks.

Who's Your Friend?

Hal-isms, Vol. 39

"I'm going to the pee place. Talk to your mom."

"Onacologist? You mean the guy that looks in your brain and tells you your uterus fell out?"

"I see Tawny* and I think 'I got five girls and that's the one I really wanted as a daughter.'"

"I've had to shoot a few people to get their attention."

"I think this world is teetering on a pinhead. And you know what? Everybody's a pinhead."

*Tawny is my cool friend. The daughter Hal never had.

Fancy Business Lady

I was recently sent on a Fancy Business Lady trip to a satellite branch in Mankato, MN. Any big head that I had received by way of the assignment quickly vanished when I remembered that I would have to drive there in Ol' Blue. The first day I parked right out in front and made some excuse about an "accident" and a "replacement vehicle" blah blah blah. Ol' Blue only failed to start for about twenty minutes after the first day. Everybody had already gone home, Thank Goodness. It finally started, Thank Goodness.

The next day I parked out back.

When I came around the back of the office building, I saw the coolest old barn. It became the backdrop for the following photo which I entitled "Who Am I Kidding?"

And then I went to Wal-Mart and bought these:

Took Ol' Blue to the Doctor



Sweet computer diagnostics

And learned a few things myself...

Replacing the distributor cap

Cranking a spark plug in there tight

Ma' Dad.

Credit to @meganamram, Twitter

 

Click here to read why he makes the list. "Love Ya"* Dad.

 

*He hates it when I say "Love Ya". Says it doesn't mean much. Says, "'Love Ya', Yah, that's totally binding."

Meeting the New Neighbors! Finally!

This morning I received the nicest note from a neighbor!

I didn't really know what to do. But I just couldn't let them "get away with it"! People like me, once they meet me (I think) and so I marched right up to the door and knocked loudly. An ancient, crabby, meth-head looking woman came to the door and I showed her the note.

"Gosh," I apologized. "I'm really sorry about this...I got a note. You know, the only space available on the street was the one in front of your house. It won't happen again..."

She wouldn't even look at me. She turned around and went back in the house. WHATEVER!!!

My facebook friends had the following suggestions:

• Park in her yard.
• Leave a bag of flaming poop on her doorstep.
• Burn the house down and roast hot dogs on the embers.
• Park in front of that walkway from here on out.
• March up to the door, West-Side Story style, ready for a dance-fight.

I've been thinking about what I SHOULD have said, and thought up a couple of real good comebacks:

Randomly Hilarious Events

So, I got a random request for a "Face Time" chat (the iPhone's answer to Skype). I accepted, because, well, come on. It seems to have been some little kid. His mom finally figured it out, and boy, did we laugh.

Check out the tiny thumbnail of my friends and me as we tried to figure out what's happening:

 

What is that thing?

Shower cap!

Here's where we nervously chanted, "Don't hang up. Don't hang up. Don't hang up."

New best friends!

 

 

 

 

Probably One of the More Pathetic Stories in my Repertoire

I used to go to therapy. I thought it was great, you know, having somebody really listen to all of the most important issues in the whole world or at least your life and have that person go, "yah, you did the right thing" or "you are so smart and funny" or whatever. (They never really say that.)

So I found this lady and we met before work on several occasions and I would pour out my heart and she would put her hand on her chin and stare intently at me and for a moment I would feel like she was really, really listening and then...

...she'd nod off.

Here's my impression of her. And the first in a new series I like to call "video punchline".

This happened in every single session. I never said a word about it. Which means her therapy clearly didn't work because I was there to "gain confidence" and "speak up for myself".

Is that irony?

"I've never had a therapist ask me to lie down. I have... had a therapist fall asleep on me." ~Kady-isms

Summer-isms, Vol. 54

"I cannot wait to be brave enough to go into that body oil store."

"Don't people know they can start, like, an IRA instead of getting a tattoo?"

"Can't you just say 'big-butt-peach-dress?'"

"Boo Hoo. I don't need a cervix."

"I use my hands way too much in every video you've ever secretly taken of me singing in the car."

 

She Ain't As Sweet As She Looks

Yesterday, I became a 36-year-old. My mom must have read my post about that awful cannibal joke I told on a bus, because I received the following email from her:

 

"What did I do after dumping you 36 years ago?"

 

Going Out With a Pffffffft

Last year about this time, I participated in the MS150: a 150-mile bicycle trip from Duluth to Minneapolis, Minnesota.

As part of the gig, my team (Clockwork Active Media Systems) had to ride north to Duluth on a bus. One of the owners of Clockwork asked me to "emcee" the bus ride. I was incredibly flattered, until I realized that basically meant "read the rules of the ride to the people on the bus" because "nobody else wants to do it".

Give them what they want, I say. If you're going to do something do it well, I also say. I went to the front of the bus and took the mic (a CB piped throughout the bus speakers). The bus driver ruined all of the fun and told me I couldn't stand while he was driving. So I sat down.

Obeying Bus Drivers, Since 1977

The ride rules were stodgy and boring, but I "livened them up" by ad-libbing here and there. I had the bus in stitches if I do say so myself. I killed it, and they loved me! The more they laughed, the more I joked. I was just a little bit offensive, but not overly so. I used my typical schtick:

• old
• lonely
• would anybody be interested in spooning?
• dead grandmas
• etcetera

I was in my element. The problem was, I had not planned out the conclusion to my set. (I didn't even know there would be a "set".) On the fly, I decided the best way to end would be to "tell a joke". Everyone was already laughing...So I set up the following:

"What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?"

Silence. (Perfect!)

"He wiped."

Crickets.

Nothing.

I silently returned to my seat.

And sat down.

That Kady. She always goes out with a...pffffffft.

Sunday Favorites. Overheard: No Midgets

New to A Lady Reveals Nothing? You've missed SO MUCH. Not to worry. Every Sunday, I dig through the archives to repost an old favorite. Mostly because I'm too lazy to come up with new content every single day. This story originally appeared on August 14, 2011 when I was bar tending up north:

Well-meaning, but possibly drunk woman to younger, single man:

"When you start looking for a wife, here's what you look for. Trust me. I know this, I have kids. First, no illigitimate babies. You wanna raise somebody else's baby? Second, no student loan debt. You marry somebody with student loan debt, guess what? you're gonna be stuck paying it off. Third, no credit card debt. You marry somebody with credit card debt, guess what? you're gonna be stuck paying it off. Fourth, no midgets in the family. What?! You think I'm kidding? You don't want midget babies. Trust me."

Hal-isms, Vol. 38

 

 

"You know what? A lot of these problems are me."

 

"Neurologist? Don't you mean your uterus?"

 

"Quit this traveling."

 

"I said one dirty thing. We don't have to spend all afternoon on it."

 

"Well listen: I don't have all day to talk to you. They asked me if I was your father and I said, 'sometimes.'"