"Who Are We Kidding?"

During the height of Tropical Storm Lee, when it stopped raining for six minutes, Summer and I got a little stir crazy and decided to get gussied up and go out of the apartment.  We killed a ton of time showering, combing hair, putting on makeup, the whole bit.  When we were all ready to go, Summer and I looked at each other like, "now what?" and she goes, "who are we kidding?"  Because we had been SO LAZY for SO LONG and we really didn't truly want to go anywhere.  So instead we took the following photos of ourselves.  We tried at first to get some cute ones...

(I can see that I only have three poses in life.  hmmmm I need to work on that.)


And then it went downhill, really fast:

I'm like, "Summer, let's look ugly!"  But I tricked her:

And then she goes..."OK, OK, let's look ugly!"  But then she tricked me:

So I go, "OK, let's look ugly!"  And I tricked her.  Again.

And then she tricked me.  Right here I died laughing at how I fell for the trick the second time, and how she fell for it twice too:

So then we both did ugly-face:

And then, we legitimately tried looking nice, no tricks:

And then we went to bed.  What a waste of a shower.

UGHHHHHHH......

You MUST click HERE!!!!

icky icky icky icky icky

Overheard on Decatur Street

We live on a famous, busy street.  We are within walking distance of several French Quarter landmarks like Cafe Dumond and the Central Grocery.  As a result it attracts a very interesting crowd.  Everybody from gutter punks to old fashioned bums to skateboarders to tattooed riffraff to business people to obnoxiously drunk tourists to high school students on class trips to very old suave gentlemen dressed like stereotypical pimps from the 1970s using umbrellas for canes*.  And oh! the interesting characters we encounter!


Here are some overheads for you:

"He tried to kill me with a hunting knife.  And I was six months pregnant."


"You know my cousin Wendy a crackhead.  When I was growing up, it was like, you know, don't let Wendy in the house because she'll steal your TV."


"He whacked me in the balls with a bottle of vodka."



Here is my beloved Decatur street, as seen from my favorite $2 Martini Monday seat at Fiorella's Cafe.  In the photo you can see my new living room and my balcony and my bedroom.  I'm not telling which one in case you're a nut job.  Also to be seen is the nightclub next door to my bedroom, but I'm not telling which one that is either in case you're a nut job who knows how to tell what thing is next to what other thing.

*I saw the "very old suave gentleman dressed like a stereotypical pimp from the 1970s using umbrella for cane" man again today!  His outfit wasn't as 'stereotypical pimp' as it was yesterday, when he was dressed head-to-toe in a maroon coattail suit complete a long thigh-length brocade vest and a feather in his cap.  Also today the cane was an actual cane (not an umbrella), but you get the point...I guess I took this photo to prove I wasn't making it up:

I love this guy!

Kady at Wal-mart / What's that on Your Jeans?

Summer and I went to Wal-mart to pick up some necessaries.  When we parked the car, a man pushed his empty grocery cart at me and said, "you'll need this.  There aren't any carts in there."  I was so touched by the kind gesture I didn't have time to realize he was totally scamming me so that he wouldn't have to put his cart away.  I made a mental note to use that one in the future.  Well played, my man, well played.

After we went inside, the first order of business was to go pee, because I was dying.  I was dying so bad I didn't have time to do the usual 'line-the-seat-with-toilet-paper' thing I do when I'm in a public restroom in America.  So I decided to squat like I do when I'm in, say, any other country.  But I had to go so so so bad!  And I guess somewhere mid-pee my stream went rogue and I totally peed all down my leg and onto the floor.  Yes I wiped it all up, and Summer goes, "what are you doing on the floor?"  "Taking a nap", I replied.

When I emerged from the stall, I showed Summer what happened and she goes, "FAIL."

And then she said, "I would rather sit on a public restroom toilet than have pee on my jeans."  I whole-heartedly DISAGREE.  Yes it was embarrassing to walk around Wal-mart with pee on my jeans, and of course, a little gross.  But, it was my pee.  You should have SEEN that toilet seat!  EW!!

That's pee on my jeans.  I think I can still wear them a couple more times, no?

Sometimes I Feel Like...

The funny thing about being a woman is that you can go from feeling like a fatty fat fatty to an athletic, thin, strong person and then back to the fat fat feeling again all in the span of ten minutes.  

Perhaps because I ran around like a crazy person when I waitressed this summer and ended up losing a bunch of weight without even trying.  And now I'm not running around and I'm eating crazy amounts of fried shrimp and beef brisket.  Anyways, Summer and I are trying really hard to work out.  For example, in the last week, we have gone for several nice long walks, a couple of really good runs, done an ab/arm set, a leg set...we're doing great.  But that fat/skinny/fat feeling is always there.

For example, after eating fried chicken I feel like this:

Yes, that really is me.  Thailand April 2010

And then I go for a run and do ten pushups and I feel like this:

Yes, that really is me.  Costa Rica February 2011

And then I have two glasses of wine to celebrate the nice run and ten pushups and I feel like this:

Yes, that really is me.  Minnesota June 2011

Am I right, ladies?  I can't be the only one who feels this way?  *crickets...

My First Tropical Storm. Lee.

I think we're through the worst of Tropical Storm Lee.  Today it has been pretty windy, but no rain.  As of yesterday, it had been raining for four days straight.  The wind was so strong that every night around 4am I was awoken by the sound of the balcony doors blowing open, and I had to create new and exciting ways to keep them shut.  This tropical storm was kind of a big deal, which we really didn't know, since we're on high ground and there was no flooding here.  But in other areas of New Orleans, there have been tornadoes and evacuations due to flooding.

Chair bracing door, with coffee table bracing chair.

Heavy bin of paperwork bracing door with table bracing bin.  Door on left blew open for photo.

CLICK HERE to read actual news about Tropical Storm Lee

I kind of liked hunkering down for three days and not leaving the apartment.  All we did was eat, clean  the entire place from top to bottom, watch movies, and I sent several million postcards.  Speaking of which...Did you request yours?

Email your name and address to:
kady@aladyrevealsnothing.com
and I'll send you a personalized photo postcard!!

Summer-isms, Vol. 13

"We are so bad at high-fiving."

"That song came out in 1999.  So, it's been bothering me for 12 years."

"Sometimes, you remind me of this guy":

Toni Collette, in her role as Buck, aka 'this guy'.

"I didn't sleep.  I laid down, I closed my eyes.  I did everything right."

"Aw, man, I just smelled Thailand.  Do you smell that?"

"Well, does your mom like how I look?"



**Looking for your Kady-isms fix??  CLICK HERE.

"I'm Their Only Child. Except for my Sister(s)."

The other day I called to talk to my mom and dad to let them know that even though a tropical storm was headed my way, I was going to be just fine. I got their answering machine.

Huh?

They're always home. ALWAYS. Waiting for my calls.

I finally reached them on my mom's cell phone, where I found out that they went to International Falls for five days.  I guess when the cat's away the mice will play.

It reminded me of this hilarious commercial inspired by my life:



 

Summer and Me...Doing What We Do Best

"My life's as good as an Abba song.  It's as good as Dancing Queen."

My 1,000th Post(card).

*image stolen from thecahokian.blogspot.com

1000!

I can't believe I have posted 1,000 pieces of meaningless drivel since my humble debut just three years ago.  My very first post was on September 16, 2008.  I was headed to South Africa, the dream trip of a lifetime: safari, Johannesburg, Cape Town.  Zebras, lions, sunsets, elephants, Umbrella Thorn trees, Xhosa language, Afrikaans, Nelson Mandela, you name it.  I had a brilliant idea to start a blog, because previously, whilst traveling, I had been sending an email of my exploits and asking friends and family to forward. What a hassle!  No photo capability!  No feedback!  The blog idea just made sense.  My people would now be able to catch up with me on their own time.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think anybody outside of the 'friends and family' label would EVER be interested in my travels, let alone my mundane life in Northern Minnesota.  But, you keep coming back, you little Creepy Starers, you.  EW!!  Are you going to murder me?  I would hate that. And so would my dad.  Hal.  You might know him.  He prefers it when I'm alive.


And so, Dear Reader, how can I ever thank you????


In honor of this very momentous occasion, I want to exhibit my appreciation to YOU, yes, YOU, personally, for your continued readership.  Because I truly, truly appreciate your visits.  


And so I'm going to send you, via the good ol' United States Postal Service, a personalized photo "1,000th post"(card).  Just email me at:


kady(at)aladyrevealsnothing(dot)com


...with your name and home address in the United States (sorry, foreigners...)* and I'll send you a personalized photo postcard via www.postcardly.com (who is not a sponsor unfortunately, just an amazing website to which I was referred. *Thanks, Ashley...~'MERICA!)


Please, don't be shy.  I'll send 1,000 postcards if I get 1,000 emails.  For my 1,000th post!  Get your free postcard!  Right here!


Maybe you'll get lucky and receive one of the following photos:

 "What a BLAST" in New Zealand.

"The Long Arm of the Law" at the Great Barrier Reef.

"Having a Whale of a Time" in a Thailand waterfall.

Email me, OK??  This means, you, EVERYONE.

*Dear Canada (this means you, dbs, Grahams, Meghan's family, all my B.C. peeps, that London Ontario person...etc),
You are not disqualified from this Postcard Extravaganza.  In fact, you very much "qualify" for a special handwritten postcard.  I'll just have to do a little extra work for you.  But you're worth it.  After all, I'm practically Canadian.
Love, 
Kady

Big News For A Lady Reveals Nothing

Introducing....my new web address!!!

I figure I'm a big girl now, a grown-up, if you will, and it's time my blog acted grown-up too.  Here's my new web address ( you might want to save to your favorites... )

www.aladyrevealsnothing.com

You'll still be able to reach me at www.kadyhexum.blogspot.com...but why would you want to?

That was so five minutes ago.  Plus I paid Ten Big Ones for the domain for the whole year.  Ten smackers.  Ten doll hairs. TEN DOLLARS.



Stay tuned for some more big news for my US readers...(and most of you are US readers).  Exibit A:

Pork Chops in New Orleans

Behold, our first home-cooked meal in the French Quarter in New Orleans.

Here's a little how-to:

Pour a little olive oil on the pork chops.  Rub both sides with coarse sea salt and crushed black pepper.  You'll need fresh sliced or pressed garlic and tons of fresh Italian Parsley.  (Very Important: has to be Italian Parsley.)  Don't put the parsley or garlic on until you've grilled one side of the pork chop.  When you've grilled the first side, flip, then smother with garlic and parsley.  I say this because you don't want that parsley falling into the grill, but you also want the parsley to sort of cook.

Try, if possible, to grill the pork chops on a New Orleans balcony overlooking hopefully Decatur Street or similar.  And if you can, get a single clarinet player to serenade you with some soft, distant jazz.

We served with beets, which I sliced and sautéed for about ten minutes in olive oil, butter, coarse sea salt and crushed black pepper, and a salad of greens, tomato, avocado, cucumber and dressed with a vinaigrette made with olive oil and balsamic vinegar.

Please serve with a wonderful White Zinfandel, but you might want to make sure you have enough wine glasses for all involved...as you can see, Summer and I have to rock-paper-scissors every night for the one wine glass.

Summer-isms, Vol. 12

"I think I made an underwear mistake today."

"People were smoking on us."

"I can't believe you walked home barefoot.  Because, you're not.  Me."

"$3.60???  That's unacceptable!"  --reacting to the price of a triple shot of espresso over ice with one pump of mocha at Starbucks.

"I feel like I don't deserve to wear these clean clothes -- that's how gross I feel."

Taken just after her Marilyn Monroe-ment when the breeze came up and so did her skirt.

Want some "Kady-isms?"  Check Summer's blog here.

The Downside

I am in love with this city.  In LOVE.  Here's a couple reasons:

• Paul Rudd works at Starbucks.  Or his taller, more attractive doppelgänger
• I get to say, "yes ma'am", and "yes sir" whenever somebody finishes a sentence.
• I get to call ladies by "miss-and-then-their-name", like "Miss Annie" or "Miss Ruthie".
• I have a free apartment in an amazing neighborhood with a free car parked outside and free food in the fridge.
• A man on a bicycle will deliver mac & cheese, shrimp po'boys and crab cakes right to your door.
• You can buy alcoholic beverages in drive-up windows.
• I have a grill on my balcony.  You know, the New Orleans balcony, with the lonely jazz music playing in the soft distance?
• The man on the bicycle will deliver beer too, if you ask him to.
• The architecture is amazing.
• Impromptu parades.

• Muffalettas:

Oh. My. God.

THAT SAID...

Summer and I saw three rats yesterday (way too close to our apartment), and I've been yelled at by no less than six homeless people.

We see a lot of Katrina devastation.  Tons of stoops in the lower 9th ward, with no house on top:

Most houses still have the markings from spray-paint identification.  To read a great article about these markings, and see more photos, click here.

These ones always get to Summer:

And of course there are still abandoned homes everywhere with vegetation growing throughout:

Just being here has been an emotional experience.  I have gotten used to hearing a lot of tragic stories out in the field every day at work, since everyone has a Katrina story, and they share them with you.  Some stories are both horrifying and inspirational.  But nothing prepared me for what I heard today.

Miss Annie and I were stopping at our last device-repair with a man in the lower 9th who told us that his son was murdered two years ago.  He pointed behind us to two bullet holes in the wall and explained that his son fell right where we were standing.  Somebody just came to the door and shot him.  "Youngsters these days, they'll kill you for nothin'.  Nothin'".  I didn't know what to say.  And it gets worse.  Just one year after the murder, this man's wife died in the hospital and five months after that, his other son was mugged while driving a delivery truck and shot, for his empty wallet and gold necklace.  

Summer-isms, Vol. 11

"I don't know.  But I can tell you all my jokes today bombed."

"I loved that elementary school.  I was the queen.  And Justin was the king."

"My fingernails are always disgusting."

"And when I say one hundred...I mean forty."

"I think between you and me we can figure out what to put bacon in."

Slow Yo' Roll

Ran across this one during work the other day.  Couldn't help but stop and take a photo.  Well now it has become a great new catch-phrase for when I'm eating (have you seen me eat?...it's fast), because today at breakfast Ashley looked at me, disgusted, and said, "Kady!  Slow yo' roll."

A Cryptic Message

Summer arrived in New Orleans just two days before me.  I got a text from her that said, "btw I have a piece of info about some of our neighbors.  I'm worried you might die."  I was like, "what?" and she said, "It's too good.  I wanna see your face."

When I arrived, Ashley and Summer took me into our bathroom and had me look out the window.  "Over there is the convent.  There are real nuns living there."  etc.  "And, see that pink house?  With the green shutters?  OK.  See that little grey one to the left of it?  With the black shutters?..."

She wasn't getting to the point fast enough and so I was like, "who lives there?"

Summer looked into my soul and asked, "who would make you die?"

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.

I am living less than one block away from the Jolie-Pitts.

I don't even know what to do with this information.

I think Summer was pleased with my reaction, as I hyperventilated and collected myself and then hyperventilated some more.  Here is a photo out of our bathroom window.  Their house is the little gray one in the center.  With the two dormer windows.

I swear I saw Brad watching me go pee last night.  What a creep!  (Just kidding.  They're not home.)

Here's a picture of the front of their house, which I walk by every morning and every night when I go to and from my car.  I stole it from another website, since I will not be caught dead photographing their place (in the open).  I only keep my face straight ahead while my eyes stare the whole way by, looking for signs of life.

Photo stolen from bittenandbound.com

If you know me, you know that I think of Brad and Angelina as personal friends and frequently have daydreams of running into their family by Lake Nokomis in Minneapolis, asking them "what are you doing in town?" and then inviting them over for dinner.  Of course they come.  In my imagination, we laugh and talk.  The kids get a kick out of my made-up-on-the-spot poop songs, such as Fishing in the Toilet for Poop and Pee.

LOOKS LIKE MY DREAMS ARE ABOUT TO COME TRUE, FOLKS.

The Minister

In a nutshell, my job is to provide technician services for New Orleans energy customers who have opted into a grant-sponsored pilot program which provides a device that monitors energy usage (kWh).  That usage is displayed on the device and translated into a dollar amount that can be tracked realtime and projected for the end of the month bill.  The goal is to educate homeowners to reduce their bills and hopefully save the environment in the process.  I have been hired to enter the homes of people whose devices aren't working properly and fix them.

I love the program.  I have actually heard people say, "So you mean, if I turn off the TVs in the bedrooms when I'm not watching them I can save money?"  Hey, you don't know what you don't know.  I'm happy to be a part of it and I can't wait until the devices are implemented nationwide and I can have one in MY house.

My absolute favorite part of this job is overhearing the conversations between the energy company rep and the homeowner while I'm doing my job on the device.

Today's overheard conversation was with a minister who admitted to siring 25 children and, no, he wasn't making it up.  I know this because I asked him to name them and he did.  Here are some of my favorite quotes (and please use your best 'Southern Baptist Minister' accent when reading):

"I got a bill for four hundred dawlahs.  I almost had a baby with a bonnet on."

"I got 25 kids.  Be fruitful and become many.  But man, sometimes it's an uphill struggle with a downhill pool."

"I don't want nothing that ain't gonna put nothing on the table.  I don't even want a goldfish."

"My son come here.  Take a bath.  Look in my cupboards.  Don't you have no bath at your place?  You got a brand new baby.  I know you got a bathtub."

"A dog is a pimp.  What yo' dog do for you?  Keep you in debt.  He pimpin' you.  You feed him, then he pass it.  Then you gotta clean that up.  Vet bills?  Yah, he pimpin' you."

"My youngest girl, I call her 'my little hemorrhoid'.  Cuz she gotta talk to me every morning and every night.  She tell me, 'don't you say goodbye to me.'"

----------

We were at this minister's house for three hours.  He smoked several cigarettes during that time so when he left the house, it didn't seem strange.  But when he got in his car and drove away, I couldn't believe it.  "What the?"  The mystery was solved ten minutes later when he returned with a round of Cokes for us.

Later, when I overheard him tell the energy reps that he was going to start taking cold showers to save on energy, I couldn't help myself.  I said, "You shoulda thoughta that 25 kids ago."

New Orleans, Day One

• I arrived in New Orleans last night at 10:30pm.  
• Rented fabulous new company car.
• Got lost in a sketch neighborhood.
• Locked doors at an awkward moment between me and a dude yelling at another dude.
• Found new apartment.
• Struggled with luggage.
• Told a bum I didn't have any cash and please don't help me with my luggage.
• Met Summer and Ashley and Edie, watched some Project Runway.

• Slept on uncomfortable too-short couch, since landlady inexplicably still lives in what is supposed to be my bedroom.
• Showed up for work.
• Learned that we do not say "B" at work.  We say "Bravo".  We do not say "F". We say "Foxtrot".
• Had first (and definitely not last) fried shrimp po'boy for lunch.

 

• Got a badge card.  (Check out my company car)  :

• Accidentally made fun of boss' accent.  By repeating his exact phrase about Walmart in a mocking tone.
• Finally the landlady moved out.  Our apartment couldn't be more adorable.

• Balcony!!

Summer is purposely making a weird face here, if you were wondering.

Kitchen

Porch swing...in living room!

• Fell in love with the neighborhood.  (It looks just like it's supposed to.  From my imagination.)

• Had rabbit and shrimp jumbalaya, deep fried oysters and crab claws, a beer and went to bed.

Radio Silence?

If you don't hear from me in a few days, it's because I MOVED TO NEW ORLEANS WITH MY BEST FRIEND SUMMER.

I'm pretty excited...let me share with you a transcript of Summer's voicemail to me when she arrived, two days before me:

"Oh my God...this is not a real place. This is not a real place!  It's amaayzing.  I'm...this...is not...real life...OK...love you...I just pulled up, met Donna, she's adorable, and I'm walking Edie just to find some grass and I feel like we're in another country, this...is gonna be so...fun...OK love you bye."

*(Photo of French Quarter stolen from igougo.com)

Goodbye, Hal and Dianne.  Love you!

Sayonara, Suckers!

More Awesome Restaurant Worker Tricks

In honor of my last night at the restaurant, I bring you just some of the hilarious hi jinx I pulled at the restaurant this summer.:


A gentleman asked me for some Heinz 57, just as I was pulling it out of my apron for the table.  Before he saw it in my hand, I quickly did the "pull a quarter from behind the kid's ear" trick, only it was a Heinz 57 bottle and a man's ear.
*I perfected this one last night with a lady.  First I said, "I'm sorry, there's something behind your ear." and then produced the bottle.

I dropped a drink behind the bar.  Luckily the glass didn't break, but there was a mess of ice and liquid all over the floor.  Bend over and wipe it up?  Not me.  Instead, I threw two towels on the floor and skated around, finishing off with a nice Michael Jackson Moonwalk.

My neighbors and my mom and dad came out last night.  My dad put his cowboy hat on his seat for storage.  After I took everybody's food orders, I bent down, lifted the hat slightly and asked, "and for you sir?"

A man was bellied up to the bar and asked if we had personal sized pizzas because he was starving but didn't want a whole pizza.  We didn't, so he decided on a whole pizza.  He asked how long it would take.  I told him ten minutes, ran back and threw one in the pizza oven, which, I didn't realize, shuts off automatically at 11pm.  When I went back to check on it, I ended up having to move the pizza to a toaster oven.  I came back out and told him 5 more minutes.  He was like "WHA?", cuz he was starving.  But he was a good sport and we were laughing about it.  When I gave him the 2 minute mark he said, "you know what? just bring it out. As is."  So I did.  And luckily it was perfectly cooked.  But just to make sure the mood stayed light, I delivered it with a bite taken out of one of the pieces.

If you accidentally give somebody a Bud Light instead of their requested Budweiser, ask them if they *wink* are sure...you know...and look at their gut.  (This only works on skinny people.  Do not, I repeat, do not try this on a non-skinny person.)

Overheard at Work

"I'm living proof of how stupid I get."

"We got a beautiful weekend...why are we wastin' it in here?"

"Now listen, you been tellin' me to shut up all night.  It's my turn to tell YOU to SHUT UP."



...A couple weeks ago I was bartending and a large group came in just as I was about to call it a night and lock the doors.  Dang.  Anyway there were a couple different groups, actually, and Group A was celebrating the birthday of one of its members.  Groups B, C, and D thought that was pretty awesome and there were rounds purchased and congratulations offered.  And then somebody thought it would be a great idea to bust out the Happy Birthday song.  When this very loud group got to the <insert name here> part, you know..."Happy Birthdaaay, deaaar ........" they just kinda did the hmmm hmmm because of course, nobody knew the guy's name.  I saw it coming...I couldn't help myself...I screamed out "WHATS-YOUR-NAME" during the awkward silent pause.

Hal-isms, Vol. 16

"When's the last time you been picked up by the seat of your pants and the scruff of your neck and been suitcased out the door?"

"I had cancer.  And I didn't see any Splenda on that thing when they took it out."

Hal-isms, Vol. 15

On me finishing the ice cream:
"SavethatbucketwashthatbucketI'llputitinmypileofbuckets!"

On me blogging:

"Quit your gloggin'!!"

On travel in Norway:
"Why would anybody want to pay thousands of dollars to look at a bunch of old farts in wooden shoes?"

More on me blogging:
"Why not just go, start up your cloggin'."