Today I went "Op-Shopping", or second hand store shopping. I went to a huge Savers'-style place, which had an entire rack of used underwear for sale. All hung on hangers and priced to sell from $.99 - $2.99 per pair. This idea haunted me for the rest of the day. Why the HECK would anybody buy used underwear at a used clothing store? And let's not forget that it's actually somebody's job to hang each pair, individually on hangers and price them. And you know that each pair must receive at least a visual inspection. EW. Let's face it: some pairs probably make it all the way to the second hand shop that just don't make the cleanliness cut, even according to "Op-Shop" standards. I imagine this poor employee's conversation at home goes something like this: "How was your day at work honey?" "Crappy. Literally."
In my opinion, there are only two acceptable reasons to buy used underwear. Number 1 -- Money. "Maybe some people can't afford brand new underwear", you may be thinking. This reasoning would work if they were selling at, say, 5 for a dollar. But you can get brand new underwear for a buck a pair! Which brings me to reason Number 2 -- The Environment. This one I can really get "behind." Shouldn't we applaud the re-use of anything that is still useful? And that's when I came up with my brilliant idea for a new business.
Yes, you got it. Re-Crotching. If you think of it, it's just a tiny 2 x 4" portion of our underwear that gets gross and needs replacing. You just snip out that section, stick in my new self-sticking crotch replacement piece and VOILA! New underwear!
How will I market this product? Infomercials! Imagine a woman going through her underwear drawer. She is searching for a good pair, to no avail. She grabs two huge handfuls of underwear. She holds them high into the air, looks at the camera, shakes her head, then stuffs them all into a bag and grimaces as the announcer says, "Tired of bringing your underwear to the second hand shop?" A big red circle with a line through it stamps over this scene.
Next you see a woman seated comfortably at her desk with a huge pair of scissors in hand, and a huge smile on her face. She snips a pair of underwear in two places, removing the unwanted crotch section with great ease. She peels back the self-adhesive strips and secures my new, gleaming white replacement piece into place. She's surprised! See how easy! It's wonderful!
Later on in the infomercial, the announcer asks, "But what happens to all those unwanted used crotch sections?" and then it shows a woman who has just washed her face. She is patting it dry, pat pat patting it dry. Then she smiles and holds up her patchworked-off-colored cotton towel. She winks. Another woman rolls over in bed , running her hand over her patchwork pillowcase as her face also caresses it. She's so relaxed. The announcer exclaims, "Just send them in! We recycle them too!"