Wednesday, July 14, 2010

'Twas the Toilet Seat That Brought us Together

My dad and I bonded over toilet seat repair yesterday.  But not in a good way.  About two weeks ago, I leaned to the side to wipe, because that's how I do, and the toilet seat snapped off on the left side.  Which made leaning to the right very dangerous in future encounters.  (I do not approve of between-the-legs wiping.  It doesn't work for the 'front-to-back' rule, and also not for number two, and so for 33 years I have been a leaner-wiper.  Ooohh...I'd love to hear your comments on this subject...maybe an unofficial poll in the comments section.  And remember, you can remain anonymous!  But I'LL know who you are, because I have ways of finding out.) 

Anyways, of course my dad was angry, because who breaks a toilet seat?  ME.  His no-rent-paying, delayed-lawn-mowing, in-charge-of-nephew-who-spreads-sand-on-precious-grass-watching, internet-time-spending, TV-watching ingrate of a daughter who never can quite read his mind about pet peeves and irritations early enough to prevent them from happening in the first place.

Fast forward to yesterday, when we decided to run some errands and go to the bank and post office.  I had to exchange a $5 Canadian bill into real American money and he had to deposit cash in order to buy another dog my mom doesn't really want him buying.  (A "discussion" -fight- for which I was the mediator.)  Anyway, I wanted to spend my $4.55 US money on something spesh, because I arrived at that $5 bill by over-flirting with an adorable older German man from Fort Frances who happened to dine at one of my tables.  I decided to take my Prostate-Cancer-Recovering dad for ice cream, and why the heck shouldn't we stop into K-Mart and I'll pick up a brand new toilet seat while we're at it?

We went to K-Mart first (obviously) and I ran in by myself.  I grabbed the cheapest toilet seat, three brand new clean $1.79 toilet brushes for good measure, generic Swiffer dusters ($5 cheaper than Swiffer) cuz we out, and an Aveeno SPF moisturizer to stop my freckle-mustache from getting any bigger.  I got the heck out of there for only $41.51.  Take that, Target!  Good thing I saved all that money on the necessities, so that I could spend $19.99 on moisturizer.  But I digress.  Two Hardee's ice cream cones later we got home and set to installing the toilet seat. 

My favorite part was CLEANING THE GUNK OUT FROM UNDER THE OLD SEAT BOLTS.  Gross!  But so satisfying.  Insert rolled-dad-eyes here.  My second favorite part was when my dad had to remind me that it was almost impossible to break the toilet seat.  By muttering.  Under his breath:

"fat ass".


Anonymous said...

Okay, several things:

1. I AM a between the legs wiper just because I've been cursed with these short T-Rex arms and long body. (thanks Mom and Dad! Nice Genes!)

2. You CAN be an effective between the legs wiper if you know where some things stop and other things begin.

3. I'm posting this anonymously not because I don't want anyone to know it's me, but instead because I don't want some future employer to google me someday and happen upon this comment and know all about my wiping habits. That would put him at a distinct advantage.

4. I also have Aveeno moisturizer. SPF 100. I still have a freckle 'stach, but I'm not very good about using the Aveeno because when I sweat and it gets in my eyes it STINGS!

5. Tell old Hal that it is not impossible to break a toilet seat because I've done the very same by just leaning over to get a new roll of TP. And if that doesn't convince him, throw him on the ground and sit on him.

Anonymous said...

I should've said something when I was there a couple weeks ago! Your whole blog post on this could've been avoided, had I spoken up. I too almost feel off the seat a couple of times and I noticed that the seat was wonky. And I'm also a side swiper, like yourself. Sorry Kady.

Anonymous said...

Sider wiper here. Always have been, and pretty sure I always will be. And I'm a guy, for the record, in case it makes any diff.

Anonymous said...

I thought everyone was a side wiper.

Anonymous said...

I thought everyone was a side wiper.

Anonymous said...

I stand up/squat over the toilet to wipe. Always have. Is that weird?

kady said...

Yes. Standing up is weird. Unless you are in Southeast Asia and you don't want rats biting your butt.

Unknown said...

Let all side wipers unite! There is no shame in that. ANYONE can break a toilet seat, by the way. Faulty screw tightening, if you ask me.

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